I walked a long time
yet when I snapped back
to the place I was standing
I saw I had only managed
a few steps
but that's a few steps I never took
before

my eyes keep shifting to the right
and I'm pulled to look at the road
transported
to this frigid piece of time
stuck, aching as it tries to move it's hand
down and force the seconds on
I'm not fooled, I know it's lost
in thought
just begging the world around to
hold their breath
so for the first time ever the moment could remain
unrushed and untouched
by anything other than
the past

like a fool I allow this
electricity in the air to
buzz and collapse into my
thoughts
and my heart starts reciting
a funny joke
that sounds like this:

"so this girl was sitting on
a curb
at this old campus
in the shadow trees cast
from the stars
and she kept looking
                                           right
and she kept looking
                                           right
this girl saw
these trees and these lights
and they acknowledged she was there
like a fine gentleman would tip
his hat
and she kept looking
                                           right
with some odd inclination that
she would find what she was
looking for
funny huh?"


I let my chin fall to my chest and
stared at all the pavement under my shoes
it was solid
I reached to shake the hand
of the fine gentleman's mighty branch and
it was solid
the metal railings, the reserved parking signs
all solid

I gulped in
buckets of icy electricity-
felt it stir inside
I can hear it humming
and it sparked this idea that

I'm solid too

No, I can't ignore this
but
it shouldn't control me

I feel ridiculous
just this mug
with this purple heart and this
yellow background
and do you know what I did?
[here comes the kicker]
clutched that little thing to my chest and
out from my mouth stumbled the most awful sounds
like they were lost in darkness, feeling the air blindly
confused at their mere existence, prodding jabs of exhales,
littering the space with blurbs of mismatch speech
silly as it sounds
I knew if I let myself
I could fill that purple heart with salt water
don't doubt it a bit
shocked about this incident
well
no, truthfully I'm not
as soon as my eyes locked their gaze
I could feel a stir
this buzz of an awakened monster
monster
and one just can't remain calm
with that
oh well, better luck next time
as in I might find a sword or a hero or
I don't know
courage
to look away and not dwell
idle in the same space, loitering
purposefully unintentional
if you can believe that
* side-note
rolled the word "Respect"
around in my head
for awhile
stretched it like taffy in the window, shot it at
faces as though it were a lecture
mulled over the depth of it
r-e-s-p-e-c-t
rreessppeecctt
came to this conclusion:
is it possible to respect "this"
....."this"
yet at the same time secretly
openly?
show that I wanted to hear you say
"yes, that'd be fine"
but it came out as
"thank you for respecting this"



oh.
ok

I should....
no, can't
       can't     can't
won't.
refuse actually. do I like hurting? is there a reason I don't just
move       on
normally when goodbye is said, twice, it means you leave
as in put one foot out into space and
pull
     down
see what happens, see what passes. well, I really wasn't ever normal
knew that from the start
but this?
I'm on an edge. this thinned pathetic rim
that looks to me a bit
u
  n
     sta b l e
clearly
                        [not clearly]
there is a problem
or something broken
I'm dealing with it, but let's be honest
sometimes it feels like I'm
meshing with it
blendingintothisbigmess
that's so hard [for me only] to separate
forgot about that- have to be more specific
[for me only] is this still more than a bad taste in my mouth
[for me only] it stripped me of common sense
[for me only] I can't sleep at night
All I want to do is
         be free
free to either walk through a day and not think your name
name   name
       name               name name
or free to fall into your arms at the end of the day
every day
whatever
I know I talk to a wall
                                      wall
and I'm here              wall           and you're there
                                       wall
                                       wall
and I swear I'm putting all I have into
[insert "letting go" here]
but instead-
trying to understand why I can't
leave you behind

I don't remember
how it feels
next to you
anymore

it only took
my breath                        
                           away
and my heart
only sorta
                           fell      
when you said
I'm sorry
it's for
                          the best
for both of us

this is what
I get
for saying
I love you