The way your hands want to hold all of her it’s like when they say that love happens without you even knowing it but I know when it happened to me. It happened when she listened to my favorite song. It happens to me every day. It happens when she lays back in bed with me after getting ready for work just to hold me against her and tell me goodbye. I hope you have a nice day I hope people are kind to you. It happened when she was kind to me, when her hands formed themselves around mine like she was trying to lift the leaves of a plant from the dirt after they’ve been drooping too long. I’ve been drooping too long. I hope you don’t droop too long. I’m sorry I let you droop too long. I want to droop with you.
Love happens without breathing. God knows ive held my breath around her. Suffocating forms its own meaning when she’s pressed against you. It sits on your chest. She lays on your chest and the love stays there. It’ll soak into your skin if you’re not too careful. Make sure to wash your hands. Make sure to get in between the fingernails. You can’t tell me the last time you looked into a mirror. Love will erase your face. It’ll paint a new smile on your mouth except this time it’s upside down. It’s ok if your smile’s a little crooked, just as long as you can still find her between your teeth. It’s ok if your hair is a little messy, just as long as her hands have run through it. You’re realizing now you like messy hair and you hate brushing your teeth.
Loving her is like turning the volume all the way up and breaking the ****. The speakers break and your car is in a ditch but you don’t know why there is blood. It’s on your knees and in between your fingernails. You didn’t know a heart could bleed this much. Anatomic words fall from your mouth but you just want it to be her name just once could it please just be her name. You’re calling for help but all that’s coming out now is her name.
Dullness may be a virtue but so is looking at her and knowing that youre enough. I’ve never been ******* enough. My knuckles have cracked and bled but all that falls out now is her name. How every thing meant something but it also meant something else but it also meant nothing. My hands are tired of guessing. My head is tired of trying to solve puzzles that your hands gave up trying to create. It’s like everything comes with an addendum. I love you but – but the stars are falling. But your hands aren’t your hands anymore. I love you but I’m sorry. I’m sorry I stopped loving for a moment.
My thoughts are never my own. They grow legs and learn how to build things and overthrow the patriarchy. How all I want to do is feel normal again. I say again but when was anything ever back to normal. I want to go back and find normalcy in some kind of form any kind of form. There are words written on my mirror but it’s in a language ive never seen before. My stomach is starting to drop and I remember every broken promise that’s been made to me. There are so many. Theyre starting to take up the whole page. The printer’s running out of ink. My mind is starting to forget how to read words. They aren’t words anymore. Theyre memories of her. They’re memories before the sky fell in on itself and before she ever spoke my name. There are times I want to go back and find her there before she ruined me. I want to find out why she did it. Was it because she forgot how to read me, did I forget to turn the light off before I left in the morning. Why did she do this. There are flowers blooming from her shoulders and she tells me not to worry. Everything will be ok I love you im sorry I hurt you im sorry that I loved you and im sorry that I ever stopped. Words are starting to lose their meaning again and Im so sorry. Why wasn’t I enough. Why didn’t I water the flowers.
There are parts of me that will never forgive you. There are parts of me that will always bleed and there are parts of me that will forget to change out my bandages. There are parts of me that will still punch that brick wall on the side of our house when bad words bubble up in the back of my throat and I cant keep telling you how disappointed I am. I would never lay a hand on you, only a finger. You hit me with your fist and you expect me to still remember to turn the lights off for you before I leave. You want me to water the flowers.
Bursts of love with nothing to back it up.