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Megan Grace Sep 2013
all my poems have stopped
sounding like poems and
just read like I'm trying to
write you the same letter
in eighty different ways.
Megan Grace Apr 2014
Thank you for loving
me even when I am
messy.
Megan Grace Oct 2014
breathe,
breathe.
you are
flakes of
silver and
copper tubing
and lilies at
sunrise. do
not be afraid
of the thickness
of your words
or the quake
of your laugh.
you are more
than the confines
of tongues that
have tried to
define you, more
than words spoken
into your neck.
you have a century's
old soul and the
things that have
written themselves
into the backs of
your hands are
just markers for
this lifetime.
you are okay.
breathe,
breathe.
keep going.
Megan Grace Jul 2014
i'm  finding  comfort
in the  fact that, even
for a little while, you
were  just  as  lost  as
i always  seem  to be
yours,
Megan
Megan Grace Aug 2014
you
used
to look
at me like
i  had  been
plucked out of
the sky by some
magnificent being
just for you, like my
heart   was   n o t   an
abandoned  house, like
my fingertips could spell
out your  future  in the air
right before your eyes. god
what if i never find another
person  who will  love  me
the same  way you  did?
"i hope i can love someone
wholeheartedly again. not
because    i'm    simply
comfortable  w i t h
them but  because
they  are  really
what i want."

i hope my
love was as
uncomfortable
for you as yours
was     for    me.
Megan Grace Aug 2014
if you were here i like to
think that i would yell, i
would scream (because
even after all of this i
haven't lost my will to
be boisterously loud) or
maybe I would hit you
(god I've never actually
put my hands on another
person unless it was soft
and meant "hey i love you
please don't leave me")
i just want you to feel the
thunderstorm tumbling inside
me how can i make you see
that how can i make you see
that how can i make you i
wanted to buy a house with
you, you ******* *******
yours,
Megan
Megan Grace Sep 2014
listen,
i avoid your shows
and your friends
and your mom (and
god i loved your
mom more than i
loved you, i think)
and i have even
stopped going to
target in case you
might be working.
i'm so tired of
going out of my
way to be normal.
yours,
Megan
Megan Grace Oct 2014
please do not drive
by my apartment.
please do not drive
by my apartment.
please do not drive
by my apartment.
please do not drive
by my apartment.
*******. i've been
doing so well.
you did not pick me,
so you are not
allowed to do this
to me anymore.
please do not drive
by my apartment.
i wish i hadn't noticed you there.
Megan Grace Nov 2014
i hope someday someone fixes you
(not fixes you,  really, that  word is
too  harsh)    i  hope  someone  will
love you enough for    you    to love
them back, for those gaping   holes
in your stories,inyour chest,inyour
futurethatyoualreadyhaveplanned
out to be sewn up tight and secure.
i hope  someday   you  let  someone
help  you  g e t  your  ****  together,
that you want to make it work     so
badly that you grovel, that you beg,
that you spit  your  guts  out  on the
sidewalk outside their house just to
prove    your point. i hope someday
y   o   u   '   r   e          h   a   p   p   y   .
Megan Grace Dec 2014
i would have given
you every ounce in
my body if you had
wanted it, if you
would have taken
care of it. i only
wanted my name
to be safe in your
mouth, but you
tangled it with hers
and toward the end
it all started to come
out in a garbled
mess that i (and you)
had trouble making
sense of. i'm so glad
you no longer are
allowed to look at
me like i taught the
sun how to shine,
that my skinny arms
don't belong to you,
that i am not- and
never will be again-
in love with you.
I saw your mom yesterday.
I did not ask about you.
Megan Grace May 2015
i have let you keep me up at night for
too long. there used to be a limit to what i
would allow myself to do- how much i would
allow myself to think of you, to remember your
temperaments and the sound of your footsteps-
but i think i've forgotten what and where that
line was. lately i've been scared to be another
placeholder, scared to get attached to someone
new, scared to understand someone else's hand
gestures. i used to love the way you could paint
our future with your fingertips across the air,
across my skin, across my skin.
I miss you.

Yours,
Megan
Megan Grace Jul 2014
You sent me a text

I'm in love with you.

simple words I had
already heard from
your mouth but were
nice to see in type.
I don't even have
your number
anymore.
Megan Grace Sep 2013
please just give me
a chance to rub
my name into
your heart like
you did to mine.
Megan Grace Sep 2012
I don't think I'll ever be close enough
to you. Like so close
that I can feel your heartbeat
in every part of myself.
It seems weird to want to
open you up and check out your soul
but that's exactly what I want.
I need to see what you know
and what you've felt
and who you are.
Because right now you're just a name
and a pair of ever-moving hands
that just won't settle
on my body.
Megan Grace May 2014
help me i am
 
                  d
                  e
                  k
       h        o
            o

from the way
you laugh to
the movement
of your hands
when you tell
a story. i do
not want to be
with anyone
else.
Megan Grace Jan 2014
who I want to be is
trapped beneath my
skin, stretching
stretching,
tearing at my
seams.
she cries, "let him go
and the wound will
set me free. oh, god,
please."
Megan Grace Jul 2014
I keep walking through
clouds of you in every
square inch of this stupid
retail store. I wonder if
you quit because you
were tired of doing the
same with ghosts of me.
Megan Grace Sep 2014
do you dream
about me-
no lipstick left
and wild hair?
i hope i am
swallowed by
golden light in
all of them,
that you are only
able to see me in
the wilderness,
that you wake up
with a pain in the
middle of your
sternum where i
used to run my
fingers while we
watched movies or
listened to the rain
under your covers.
Megan Grace Aug 2014
i think
i've forgotten
how to write.
they say you're
supposed to push
through that, but i
keep writing the
same thing over
and over again. i
can only say "holy
**** i miss you" in
so many ways. i
used to say it in
laced fingers and
lingering forehead
kisses. now i say it
in every syllable of
every word i've
posted on the
internet in case
you might see
them (aside from
the fact that they
would otherwise
drown me in my
sleep) and in
desperate
searches
for notes
that i just
maybe didn't
grab when i
threw out the
final pieces of
your things last
month. i don't
know how to
do this, Ryan.
i can't do this.
Megan Grace Jan 2015
i can only love in splinters,
in tsunamis.
i'm having trouble with today.
Megan Grace Aug 2014
there is something serene
about  being  held  under
t h e pressure of an ocean
of a year's  worth of your
words.      i       sunk      in

                               quickly,

my only goal  b e i n g to
find the bottom in hopes
that  the  answer  to   a l l
your  problems might  be
down  there  somewhere,
but instead it  w a s thick
and   dark   and   when  i
looked back  i could  just
barely seethesunthrough
the   water.  n o w   i   am
s        t         u        c         k
in bubbles and blurs and
i swear all these canyons
down herearewhispering
sentences  o f   yours  i've
b e e n  trying   to  forget.
"you are  m y  light at the
end  of  the   t u n n e l . "
when will i surface?
Megan Grace Nov 2014
i shot off rockets into the sky months ago
that burst into words to  remind me to
keep going     keep breathing     keep
holding my heart   higher than the
river of   y o u r   hands that was
flooding down  m y  street and
threatening   to   break  down
my  door.  i  put all  my  best
pieces in aboxandsentthem
to myself    (cc: my closest
friends)   and i am ready
to get them back, to put
my    h e a r t   on   my
sleeve where i have
always  kept it,  to
have you   f e e l
from across this
town that you did
not break me, did not
damage   me,  did   n o t
destroy my gumption or my
eagerness to take on the world,
did not make me into something
i am not.   i am a    worrier but    a
w        a        r         r        i         o         r
and  i  will  not  stop  going  until  my
head is quiet and my hands are still.
and  this  thing you  did  to me- this
supposedly life altering thing- will
just be a soft  reminder  of  only
the  climb i  made  to get  me
back    to    where    i    am.
Megan Grace Oct 2014
i had only wanted you to love me so
much that you had to breathe shallow
to get around everything in your lungs
that spelled my name
it would have only been fair
for you to do what i had to do
Megan Grace Nov 2013
I'm so
sorry
to have
loved
you this
much.
Megan Grace May 2013
I have enough
money to run
away to a pretty
city but for some
reason I'm still
here.
Megan Grace Aug 2014
i wanted it all- your
picket fence promises
and the daisies on the
last   digit   of   your
f   i   n  g   e   r   s
2:58 am

I wonder if you're asleep right
now. You always have so much
trouble falling asleep that it makes
me worry about you, even now.
I wonder if I'm ever the reason
your eyes won't stay shut.
Megan Grace Jun 2013
Today my makeup
was gone by noon
and I didn't take a
shower and I only
slept for three hours
last night so my
eyes were extra
puffy and I ate too
much at lunch and
had an attitude the
next time we saw
each other afterwards,
but you still gave
me a hug and told me
it was valued at
twenty thousand
hugs and you still
told me I looked
beautiful even
though we both
know it wasn't true.
And I can't
                    stop
                             smiling.
So, thank you.
Megan Grace Jun 2014
the first time i went to see
your band you said, "well
now you know we're
nothing special" but god i
can't even tell you what
bubbled inside of me just
watching your fingers on
your banjo (something i
had only seen in your
living room until then) and
that little sway you do on
the slower songs rocks in
the background of my
quietest dreams. every
movement you make is
what i consider the most
special act on the planet.
Megan Grace Sep 2017
“i was born to make biscuits”
and so we let him.
flour, butter, one egg, messiest
table in the hole entire county.
mom watches bug and the boys
roll in the leaves outside, and
greg and i drink coffee by the fire
in thick socks and knitted throws.
a burst of the season arrives with
each sibling but we smile anyway,
kisses and cold hands pressed on
our warm cheeks until we're all
the same temperature. pop's biscuits
are done, so we sit and don't say
grace- just thank each other for
the things we have which no one
else could have given us. mom's
already missing the birds, and
wendy says she thinks she found
one of katy's old hats in the back
of her garage last month and she
even brought it with her this time.
we talk and we laugh and the little
boys nap and we just are.
we just are.
10/23/16

i haven't seen my family in a long time. this is all i can think of right now.
Megan Grace Aug 2013
oh
but my heart
still feels
like it's c   r
                      u
                   m
                       bli
                            n
                               g
when I hear your
words in my head
Megan Grace Oct 2014
today i touched
trees and smelled
leaves and took
a nap with my
dog and my mom
told me, "meg,
you're going to
be just fine."
i went home for the weekend.
Megan Grace Feb 2014
today was the type
of day I know you
love and if you had
been around (and we
were the kind of
normal we used to
be) we would have
stood at the big doors
side
by
side
and watched the drops
run down the length
of the windows and
you would have leaned
down close, whispered
"I wish we were out in
that" and squeezed my
arm the way I liked.
I miss you.
Megan Grace Mar 2014
we are destiny
we are fate
we are- what do people call it?
soulmates?
no not soulmates but something else
that translates to "meant for this"
something that stands for "I cannot break from you, please don't leave me"
I don't want to build a life with
anyone else
Megan Grace Jun 2015
there is this   candle that i keep
in a box and i save it for nights
when i want to think   of  y o u,
when the summer air is too hot
a n d   i  can  imagine  that  you
would   have  turned  o u r   air
conditioning  up so high  t h a t
i would   have had  to put  on a
sweater     while    you stripped
downtonearlynothing.i wonder
if  we  would  have  had   those
gardens you talked about   or if
you would    have taught me to
tolerate beer. i usedto think you
were the  s o l e  orchestrator of
every sunset i had ever     seen,
that you  m u s t  have bartered
some  part  of   y o u r    soul  in
exchange for that laugh       you
had, that all of the absolute ****
i had gone through was simply
there  t o   l e a d   m e   t o  you.
but you did not love me     t h e
same way, you  d i d  n o t  love
m e     the       s a m e           way.
tell me, do we have to bow
down and kiss our own feet
to become whole again?
Megan Grace Jul 2014
i
am
s  o
sorry
that   i
couldn't
help you
find  your
way    back
to your heart.
but we all get lost.
god you were so lost.
Megan Grace Jun 2014
This does not hurt
as much as I had
thought it would.
Although you ran
a bulldozer over
my midsection, I am
somehow still breathing,
somehow still getting up
and moving, because
what else can I do
except go on?
I am going to try this time, really, I am.
fin
Megan Grace Jan 2014
fin
it's just

that I hope macaroni and
cheese makes you miss me
and that you'll be downtown
and drive by my building and
see my car and feel an ache in
your chest because you are not
allowed inside anymore and
that your hands can barely
play all those songs you wrote
about me at your shows and
that the book on astronomy I
gave you glares at you from
the shelf and that no one will
kiss you like I did, no one will
make you shiver like I did, no
one will light a fire inside of you
like
I
did.
is it wrong to be this mad?
Megan Grace Aug 2014
y  o  u
a l w a y s
told    m e    i
was too  skinny
but no no no i am
beautiful, i am strong
(stronger than i used to
imagine i  could be)  and
my heart is still thumping
like   it   has   been   for   all
these   centuries   i've   lived
even after losing you, even
after feeling like i wasn't
enough  to   make  you
happy.    b u t    jesus
c h r i s t    i    w a s
enough     i    was
enough   i   a m
e n o u g h   .
Megan Grace Jan 2014
I lost the power to write long
words about you back when
you lost faith in what I had
to offer. Instead you have
become a jumbled mess
on paper, the only problem
on the sheet I can't solve.
I have begged for
reconciliation for months
now, traveled down a
path you paved just
for me to find that
you built a concrete wall
with a ladder only
on your side.
I deserve so
much more
than this.
Megan Grace Sep 2014
i feel less like
chunks of me
a r e     falling
into  the river
that i  so very
love.     thank
y  o  u    f  o  r
walking away
from what we
could    h a v e
b e e n.  i   a m
w o r t h   t h e
entire     s k y-
every   star  in
the milky way
-and   i f   you
couldn't   s e e
that  then  you
shouldn'thave
been   allowed
to    c a l l   me
y   o   u   r   s  .
Megan Grace Jun 2014
breathe.
because you know what you
do when someone ***** you
over? you calmly take your
heart out of their hands
and leave. you think maybe
you'll sew it back on to
your sleeve but not now, not
today. you put their things
in a box (their cds, their
shirts, their books, their
notes, the little things you
picked up on your dates)
and you put it on the
highest shelf in your
closet, because someday
you will want to remember
them, maybe. if you don't
want to remember them, you
give them the box, you
donate the box, you throw
the box in the river. and
you breathe. because you
deserve better. you deserve
someone who doesn't consider
you a fallback, a plan b.
you will be someone's plan.
you will be the only plan.
you will be my-god-what-
was-i-doing-before-you-
walked-around-that-
corner. remember that
you are enough.
breathe.
I will be okay.
Megan Grace Jul 2014
I'm sure by this point I have
exploded and expanded,
breached countless lines
and crossed several borders,
wrote my name in the
clouds with yours following
it just to see what it would
look like strung out like
that. I want to be purple
and green (and blue so
you'll notice me) and as
orange as the third inner-
most layer of the sun. Please
pay attention to me. It's
the least you could do to
pay me back for the way I
have been overwhelmed
by you for this long.
Megan Grace Apr 2014
Truthfully, my  words are written  with
your laugh pulsing in my veins. I want
to write  haikus on  your fingertips,
sonnets down the  length of your
spine, press my spoken  word
ramblings  into the curve of
your bottom lip until you
finally  get  that I cannot
leave you because you
are every  syllable  I
have  written  for
almost  a  year
now.
Megan Grace May 2013
I was never
going to be
enough for you
because I'm not
strong and I'm
not as smart as
you used to tell
me, and you
were so smart-
god were you
brilliant- but you
always used these
drugged-up phrases
and I never kept
your pace at any
point. So why did
we keep trying
when we didn't
get each other and
our hands didn't
even match right
in the first place?
I let you press
your name all
over my body
but in the end
I just couldn't
figure out how
to put myself
in your lungs.
Megan Grace Aug 2012
I've realized
that I'm forever
going to be
"that girl I met that one time
on tour
who was nice
but not enough
for me"
to you.
I can feel the definition
aching with every day
we don't keep in contact.
I think I knew it
even then
but it's not fun
to know you can't fill a void.
I want to be everything
for you.
And I can't.
But you will always be enough
for me.
Megan Grace Sep 2012
Thank you
for loving me
despite
the fact that I crack
my knuckles
and talk too much.
Three years
have passed
and I still haven't forgotten
how you taught me
the right way to breathe.
And we may be
separated
by miles of soil,
but you're the only place
my heart has
found permanent rest.
Megan Grace Apr 2015
i
l  i  k  e
y o u r    ***
breath  and   t h e
way  your  hair  seems
to grow from you running
your fingers     through it
through   it   through   it
until your bones settle
in   m y       h a n d s.
please never stop calling
in the middle of the night.
Megan Grace Feb 2012
If I could
I'd buy you an
ocean.
I'd give it to you
in the biggest bottle
I could find.
I'd put a ribbon around the top
because that would make it
exponentially fancier.
I'd put a sailboat
right on the water
to remind you to breathe.
It would have an anchor
because I know you like those,
and I'd put little whales in it
because whales are cute.
I'd give it to you on a crowded street
in the middle of some busy city
that we'd pretend to hate
but actually desperately want to be a part of.
We'd be wearing dresses
becauses dresses make everything more special
and there would be bikes.
Everywhere.
I'd wear yellow and you'd wear blue.
You just would, okay?
And we'd both have hats on.
After I gave you the ocean you'd laugh
and call me dumb
but then you'd say
"I love you"
because that's what people who need each other say.
And you'd put the ocean in the basket
on the front of your bike
and you'd smile.
Megan Grace May 2014
today you squeezed my
arm the way i like
and said, "i miss
you all the
t
   i
     m
         e
            .
               "
I just want to keep track of all of these things.
Megan Grace Feb 2014
He called and told
me, "I'm so glad you
answered the phone."
and it was nice to
know that there
was someone out
there who was
happy to hear my
voice.
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