I swear I've been doing really
okay.  I take  full breaths  and
I've  been sleeping  almost all
the  way  through   the  night.
I   don't  cry   w h e n   I  walk
through  the  l a s t  place  we
kissed  or  the   final    s p o t
where   you   told   me  you
loved me. I can watch your
favorite movie or listen to
yourfavoritebandwithout
falling apart. The antique
mall no longer turns me
i n t o   a   puddle   and
macaroni  and  cheese
only barely reminds
me  of  our   f i r s t
date. But last night
Kaitlyn and I went
to the  river  and I
stood in the same
patch of dirt where
I watched your notes-
all white and stark in the
moonlight-  begin  t h e i r
journey down south. I sat on
the big rock where Kaitlyn and
Chloe held my hands for what felt
like forever until my chest was rising
and falling  like normal (two months
ago almost to the date but god how
was  it not yesterday?) and  there
were  simply stars stars stars as
f a r  as I could  see, and t h i s
little,     tiny,     insignificant
piece  of  me  missed  you.

you  liked   t h e
way  i   pronounced
"bloodflood,"  all  clean
syllables,  made  me  say
it­ three times for you while
you ate  your  sandwich.  you
said you mostly  mumbled  and
thought no one could understand
you but, god, i did. every eyebrow
wiggle had a  paragraph  beneathe
its surface, every smile was a  song
you   hadn't    written    yet,   every
thumb  stroked  on my cheek was
a promise of forever. you always
made   perfect   sense   to   me.

you made   me feel
like a house full  of
sunlight, a handful
of   lilies,  a  willow
tree in a  light  rain
shower.  thank you
f o r   loving  me  as
m u c h  as you  did.

i wanted it all- your
picket fence promises
and the daisies on the
last   digit   of   your
f   i   n  g   e   r   s

I  wonder  how  many
lifetimes I  have  lived
where    y o u    h a v e
****** me  over. How
many   centuries have
I   loved   you,   have  I
known your fingertips
better  than my  o w n,
have   I felt  t h a t  you
w e r e   my  answer in
everycrackand crevice
of  my  body?  In  what
life  will  you  get your
*******  ****  together?

y  o  u
a l w a y s
told    m e    i
was too  skinny
but no no no i am
beautiful, i am strong
(stronger than i used to
imagine i  could be)  and
my heart is still thumping
like   it   has   been   for   all
these   centuries   i've   lived
even after losing you, even
after feeling like i wasn't
enough  to   make  you
happy.    b u t    jesus
c h r i s t    i    w a s
enough     i    was
enough   i   a m
e n o u g h   .

i saw your mom
today (god she looks
just like you) but i
didn't stop to say
anything to her. i'm
not sure how much
she knows now. your
band played today but
i left before it started
because i don't know
what i'm allowed to
tell your friends. you,
just you, are playing
tomorrow (this festival
is foxlin's yearly big
break) and i'm going
to close my windows
so tight, stuff my fingers
into the open cracks,
so that none of your
melodies travel the two
blocks to my living room.
i wonder how many
songs you'll play
that are about me.