jaded hypocrite
you made your bed and now you lie in it
gagged and bound
self possession drowned
curiosity spellbound

spiral harder
do you ever wish you had a father?
lovely daughter
such a mouth and such a charmer

apparently made up of
cyanide and cosmic dust
such a way to feel unloved
the mirrors bleed disgust

in transit i lay still
the windows bend and ceilings mock the seas
faces move and their lips seem to stall

progress moves as egos laugh
and i still live in this crevice of a home
and of course the most terrifying things aren't real
but alas my vision's blocked by projections of demons under my bed

help me redirect my will
shadows are not scared of pills
i know now that words can ****
rip the cords out of my throat
i'm sick of sounding like a joke
hope i'm silenced, hope i choke

in transit i lay still—
sharp skin and syringes pierce my eyes
i never was one to put up a fight

progress moves as voices amass
and i could not care less for this ******* called home
and of course they say that only time can heal
but i, well i could have been dead by now

last time i felt sharp was when it cut my wrists
last time i lived was when i jumped ship
thought i knew better than to let stones break my bones,
but i guess i'm just dumb for leaving my limbs exposed
if i stayed here,
for a day or two,
do you think maybe then these knives could get through?
pray to whatever's in the sky for the courage to die
dear god, why do i even try

i closed up
and from the minute you kept me company i felt stardust on my skin but it was so cold and i feel so cold and i can't help but shake
i see cars crashing and i see shadows twitching with fear and with vice
and the energy that radiates from every living thing pierces my wellbeing
constantly
pervasively
i do understand when i say i understand, unfortunately
and i've understood much more than any human stricken with bliss has ever even acknowledged

shields can be beautiful things if you know how to use them
but alas i do not and i still end up getting hit

if there is an end then why am i still falling into this abyss even after everyone else has gotten out
i never caught up to the wonders of an uncluttered mind;
the only thing sound here is my ability to accept

i feel
i feel.
and that's the problem
emotions are purely transient things
and whether that should make me feel
sad
angry
happy
or
if i just shouldn't bother at all

no one wants to hear a thing you say unless they've heard it in their own heads before
and so i hold my breath as the air in the room is taken up by refractory lungs

maybe i shouldn't ask or maybe i shouldn't tell
but the unknown slices my skin with such ease when i feel it in your grip
i spilled my guts hoping you'd give me yours to fill me up again

all i am is chaos embodied in an empty cage of flesh and bone
and
i closed up
because all i am is an open book with a sad story that nobody ever wants to read again

"you knew what was coming so why didn't you get out?
and why do words of love and dreams fall from your lips so much more than what i think is the truth?
what the **** is happiness?
and what is it you actually feel?
and why are you trying so hard to keep me in sight?
exactly how long do you need me here?
why are you different?
speak. for god's sake use your words when you need them
silence is for weak lungs and racing hearts"

i cannot begin to fathom why it is you're doing what you are doing
you only tell me of the ghosts that wander in the vessel of my body and how much they'd like to help me see my beauty
but there is no beauty and there are no ghosts
so why do you make me feel like there is?

i seem to only tread on broken ground
but now i am perplexed and you've left my truths unsettled
if i counted every vein and vessel that ran through your arms i swear you'd find a way to change the number the very next day

i suppose i've come to realize i've only been comfortable with drinking poison
and i've gone without water for so long that the taste's escaped my memory

and why do i care?
these toxic people did nothing but harm
it was right to make them leave,
but why did the confident remarks of "oh so holier than thou" only make the wound deeper?
if they left shouldn't i be happy? is that not the logic?
it seems not, as i am still attempting to lessen the rage in my heart
i am not as small as them and i will not act as such
but if i'm not then why do i care
why do i care
why do i care?!

oh, blood
spills so easily

i feel so much that now i cannot feel it at all
what should kitchen knives mean to me anymore?
what should my bounties of wonder pills do for me anymore?
how should spiteful breaths and contagious malice from friends and former lovers feel in my heart anymore?
i feel sick to the core but it cannot be purged

i will create and take shelter from further harm
four walls no doors no windows and no illusions
and yes i do understand what i am about to do
resistance only teaches a soul to repent
and sense of self will succumb to atrophy
but in all honesty why should it matter anymore?
why does it matter if i make one more dent in a totaled car?

thou only gets what thou dost earn,
and as of now i seem to have only earned four stages of grief and a shattered perception of right and wrong

all these are tangents only my mind has heard
and my lips shall maintain still waters
weak lungs and racing hearts can only drown
and what may lie at the bottom of the sea shall be my salvation

i've seen oceans
commit atrocities
that have been washed away silently
i kept my mouth shut
and left the scenery
i swore i'd never return again

i regret.
i turn the clock back
i felt the waves come crashing in
i felt heavy hands
under my skin again
and i can't seem to shake the fear

i want to forget
but the water's clear
and all i can do is forgive
and i know
i shouldn't be so weak
because what good did it ever do in the end

i just want to forget
but i can't have that
because the water's clear and i can see myself again