He recalls it happening
but it isn’t something he likes to discuss
girls becoming women

I hold my breath
waiting for him to let go
He hangs on

He
stands a little too close
stares a little too long
and we say no
but he doesn’t listen
he has treated women like this his whole life

When the tears have dried…

I asked him why he thought it was okay
to mistreat and misuse me
Cause I like the attention you're giving me?
Shaking his head, said
Girls are different than boys
He’ll never understand

all the happenings she had not understood
all the forgotten incidents
that would never end

So, we pretend like this isn't happening
Just a bad dream
But the truth is, it hurts
it hurts
it hurts

we are accustomed to swallowing these emotions and staying quiet

But
She is alive
She’s special
a real thing, a good woman
and man will never understand
and they will not give her back to me
my childhood, my innocence

I wondered if I could ever be so perfect again

It reminds us of the stories we’ve heard
from our mothers and grandmothers
that too many women have felt
and we worry about our daughters hearing it
the shameful comments about our bodies

you can do anything you want to a woman

Isn’t she lovely?
Isn’t she wonderful?
A beautiful woman
everybody took for a girl
but she's no fool

Could it be worse?

Her gender has become
synonymous to weakness
incapability
and inadequacy
but then again thats nothing new

To keep herself to herself

But
I am a girl
since the day I was born
this is my gender
my life

we cannot ignore

I will assure you
I salute your existence
girls
females
women
of all shapes and sizes
your voice still has value and merit
Your body sill has worth

Remember, you are a woman to be recognised and honoured

If I put myself in the man’s place
What would he do next?
See, I’m a woman of many talents
and great ideas

My mother would be proud of me

So, I will be no man,
but the man you want me to be
only
I’ll be a woman

Just so you know,
every time we stole kisses at red lights,
I'd pray they'd never turn green.
And every time we went for those midnight drives,
you were the only thing worth seeing.
I have live long enough to know that too much time will **** a person,
it always does.
and I wouldn't rush to say this
But just so you know,
the first time I told you I loved you was whispered into your ear as you slept,
Head on my chest,
you moved slightly,
lightly breathing in and out.
I have never been very good at speaking;
you should know that by now.
So much so,
that by writing the words 'I love you' with my finger on your skin,
I hope that one day you will recognise it and let it in.
I have done it a million time,
on the couch,
in the shower,
even when you drive
But just so you know,
I don't do it because I'm afraid of what you'll say,
I do it because every time I write it,
your heart seems to beat a different way.

Let's just keep driving
And see where it takes us.
Highways or dirt roads,
Who knows.
Let's drive until the petrol runs out,
Or the money;
And Honey,
You’re all I need;
As a lover or as a friend,
It doesn’t bother me
For I know you’re there.
So let's drive until the days turn dark.
Sleep upright or on each others shoulders,
And eat cheap take-out food in public parks.
Let's watch the world go by
As we sit on busy sidewalks
Or lay in fields of grass,
And let's laugh
At all the little things.
Let's drive until we reach the beach,
Or the country side.
Let's see what the world has to offer.
Let's see what the world has to hide.
But let us marvel at the things we may never have a chance to see.
I will call you my sunrise,
As you awaken my eyes to truely see for the first time,
And I will be your sunset;
A place to rest your head when you go to bed.
So let's dive into the unknown.
But darling,
We won’t do it alone;
So let's just keep driving.

I can not say your skin feels like home
But I've been wandering for so long
Your heart seems like the only place I've known
And when you've been wandering
You always try and find a place to sleep
So can I sleep on your chest into early next week?
Because I'd like to get lost
Between your ribcage
Trace your veins with my fingers
And quietly say;
"Your eyes are like oceans"
And I've been swimming for so long in them
I think I might drown
But it would be an honour
And a privilege
If you were the one to pull me down
And I wish to tell you;
I like the way I hear how fast your heart starts to beat,
As our legs intertwine
And I like the way your whole body jolts,
In the middle of the night
And if I could write you a metaphor
With the kisses I lay upon your breast
I would write you one that simple says;
*When you wrap your arms around me
It feels like a test,
That I already know the answers to,
So I don't count it as cheating

I was born from wet, winter leaves in rain soaked skin,
And I learnt from a young age not to let people in.
So hushed and quiet I choose to listen than speak,
For talkers say enough to talk into summer heat.
But I am the cold. I am the rain.
I was the voiceless listener with nothing to trade (except for written word)
So I will leave this earth to rot; in utter glory,
And when morning breaks through I will not tell our story
But leave the pages open and the books unread,
So that when you sleep next to me you have a place to rest your head.

I needed to feel love, yet love is untraceable.
And I feel so replaceable when you call me pretty; yet pity me for not coming after you.
But I do not chase; do not believe your heart is a race to the finish line,
For I can’t hide my feelings if you see them.
So I don’t show them but rather hope you see,
The person I am longing to be in winter state.
So cast me away, break the chains.
Reveal my body to the summer days where the sun will warm my skin. And my bed ridden lungs will breathe in air,
And it's only fair if I do the same for you.
So let me pull you from your bed, kiss your head,
And tell you I love you; If you promise to say it back.
So when moments lack sound, don’t fear.
For I can still hear your heart beating as if repeating our love.
And so my dear;
We shall close our eyes when the days get too dark, pull blankets over our Heads and never lie on the edge of the bed so we have an excuse to sleep Closer together and weather the worst as it comes.
And we will look like a piece of art; painted by a master.
Relentless; reluctant; a perfect disaster.

I will not call you beautiful.
For beauty is a man-made thing
Whose meaning turns to nothing
When I compare it to you

I shall not allow myself to simply call you pretty
For the flowers that bend their heads towards the setting sun
Look at me in pity
And proclaim that it was you who taught them how to grow

And so,
When words lose their meanings
You find a way to hear things
Differently
And make sense of the world

How then can I simply call you pretty?

You showed me that effort is a foot you must put first
And that the hurt
Is always what it is worth
For it proves you tried

And so darling,
I could take your eyes
And compare them to maple forests
And pine cones
But then little would any body know
That you see the world like lace

And I only wish to trace the thoughts of your mind
Thread them together with cotton and time
And show you how perfect they are

For your radiance runs as far
As the eye can see
And your love can set fire to trees
And burn whole cities to the ground

And,
As if protesting that it’s hate thats been getting us down
You learn to forgive
Turn ashes into molten
And hand out kindness
As if reminding us
To love ourselves

And so,
I can not call you beautiful
Or pretty
I can not simply compare your eyes to maple forests
And your body to flowers buds
Because you are worth so much more then that
For it was you who made me believe in love

I do not hate
I can not hate
Instead I lack remorse

I turn all those who love me
Against my deadly thoughts

I pinpoint lovers hearts
And shoot them to the ground
To show there is not hope
To the people I let down

So do not be proud of me
When I sacrifice myself
For a better world of emptiness
And a bottle on the shelf

I’ll take the words “I love you”
And crush them into dust
To prove that a lovers heart
Is something to distrust

Because I grew up through pain and suffering
Watch mothers cry in fear
For the fathers that left them standing
With nothing but colourless tears

I was a child of divorce
Left alone to find my place
In a world where the 'perfect family'
Didn’t seem to have a trace

So I drew a picture of my dad
In a house all by himself
And gave it to a lady
Who I was told was suppose to help

But even years on from then
As a woman now, my fathers gone away
To fight a war of loneliness
And drink himself to his grave

A lonely song for a hopeless heart
Who once believed in her dreams
I've learnt the harshest truth of all
That love
Is never what it seems

I bended the rules
I told myself I wouldn’t talk to you again
That your words meant nothing to my ears
But then I found myself next to you
In dim light
Talking about our lives
As if we were meeting like friends
And not ex-lovers
And the worst part is
It felt like I was being recovered
From under six feet of dirt
And I could see your face
And it didn’t hurt to smile at you
And maybe it was the fact that
Your words seemed almost true
Like you really did care for me
And that it was just me and you
And that’s all it was ever going to be
Except time got in the way
And distance forced us to change
And you let your heart slip onto another girl
And I learnt how to toss my love onto boys
Who didn’t know how to throw it back
And so I watched you leave
And I watched you go
While I let the darkest parts of me grow
So now I am a tangle of weeds
And I only wanted you to see
That you meant more to me than anything
So I let you touch my arm
And lead the way
Because you took my heart by surprise
On that fateful day
And the time we share now
I will make it last till the end
Because I always loved you
So my rules,
I can bend

If you love her
please remember
she burns like
Hyrogen sulfide and nitric acid
lit in the middle of the night
and so perhaps when you hold her
don’t hold too tight
because she will light up the night
As she sets her sights on you
and if you’re not ready for it
she’ll burn you through
because she doesn’t know how to stop
and how to forgive
so she rips apart others
as a way to cope, and to live
so just know
that if you love her
her love is a sin
so say your prayers
and count your blessings
for this is not a battle that you can win
And  if worst-comes-to-worst
Leave her with a kiss
and a goodbye
and don’t turn back
for in the dead of night
She’ll sound the alarm
and raise the attack
She was born a warrior
and set out to fight
but deep down she can learn to love you
you just have to show her that light

"text me when you get here"
I asked him to say
But instead of a text, a policeman called
and it rained the day I put flowers on your grave

He
        left
              without  
                              reasons
Said
        goodbye
                        with
                                 empty
                                             words
Winter
             is
                 such
                          a
                            cold
                                    season
Hollowed
                    in
                          broken
                                        thirds

By the third ***** shot down
I had forgot your name
and the way you used to kiss me
but even though I couldn’t stand up straight
you told me that you missed me
and then all the feelings came back
like empty bullet shells
burning holes into my skin
and though I tried to stop it
little bits of you kept flooding in
and soon all I could hear
was you saying my name
so I drank more
in that hope that I might be able to disappear
between you arms
and never be found again

I care for people so much
that I don’t care for myself
so I let you stand like a temple
wrapped in rubies and gold
while I am a pile of rubble
under 10 feet of dirt
and its not that I don’t want
to lead you a hand
but just know
that when you take it
you must understand
That through this act
I will give you my all
and you will rise
but I shall fall

I think we are all a little unsure of ourselves
and perhaps we’ll never find out why
but no matter what
I’ll never stop looking

One day I hope I have the chance to meet my maker
And tell them what a **** job they did
at creating a master piece.
I am nothing more than a broken mirror
with a sharp edge
and a deadly cut

When I loved you
you didn’t love me at all

I see another world when I look in your eyes

She loved without regret
Tied ropes around her hips
And dived into the ocean
She wasn’t scared of going the depth
She just wanted to feel something
So she breathed in the salt water
And let it fill up her lungs
So that maybe one day they’d see
She’d drown just for his love

We’d speak with our eyes
Like words were a distraction
That our mouths couldn’t hide
And believe me, I tried
But I failed to keep
The moments in-between
So I let them seep through
My fingers and out past my hands
And I am sorry that I could never understand
The way you said stars only shine at night
Because it was my smile that gave them their light.
So I stopped smiling to see if it worked

And it did.

And it does.

And it still ****** hurts.

He smelled of old cigars;
The kind that have been lit on back verandahs by men who have worked too hard and have lived too long.
His kiss tasted of pepper.

I was buying an illusion
But they made a good price;
They said I could buy you cheap,
Because you can never sleep

at night. Instead you stay awake
Thinking about how the world’s so messed up
And so I ripped a part my heart to give you love;
But maybe that still was never enough.

The ‘almost ***’, covered sheets;
Like battle grounds for the weak.
We took kisses as cash;
And maxed out our credit cards.

We wrapped our hands around each others
throats, as if we secretly wanted the other to
choke
on our words
inhale our eyes
and lie
by each others side in desperation
for other hit of her-

oin.
We role played as lovers in an attempt to
recover the last inhales of breath
that broke between each embrace as we
laced ourselves together with tread

We were a death sentence that the devil sent to god
Demons disguised as angels
We set fire to our wings
And watched our bodies burn
Leaving nothing but blackened ashes
that turned
to white
in the dimming light
of wasted days and empty nights

I needed him more than he needed me;
But I guess minutes turned to hours;
And days turned to years;
And soon we were miles a part and months too late.
We became awkward silences and bitter ends;

And our love was like looking onto a vast blue ocean, in the middle of a heat wave;
And knowing that we shall never swim in it.

I look for love in the most                  things.
                                   ­           unloved

Like looking for l
                               i
                                 f
                                   e
                    in an empty graveyard.

And it isn't hard to find, if you know where to
                  L                              
              ­    O
                  O                               f
                  K                               l
                                                    o
     ­                                               w
It is simply disguised as tiny  e
                                                    r­
                                                     s
                                                             ­   growing among the **DEAD

He fell out of reach, like a song on the radio which I didn't quite catch the name too;
Leaving a sweet nostalgic melody in my head, and lyrics to words that will never make sense.
In those short matter of moments he became a boy without a name;
A tune of a lost song that will never seem to fade.

We’d fall asleep on some backstreet road,
On the boarder line of a place we could call home.
Curled up in day dreams and wishes;
Had endless close misses,
Thrown at a target that just seemed too far.
And it was never hard to picture the way we wanted life to be.
When it came down to you and me,
We were different.
We were a mix of innocence and curiosity;
Had wishes that included flying;
But we never counted our losses on the idea of dying;
Because to us, we were invincible.
We were heros in a world where police don’t exist.
We grew from our dreams, but when told they were a myth,
We ran.
Because nobody could hold us, except the wind in our hair;
And I remember you laughed,
Like sound was something you created in the garden shed,
And you wanted to show it off;
So I laughed too.
And you’d call me sis.
And even though we are older now,
It's those kind of days that I miss.

Young and optimistic, I always thought that freedom was something I could obtain.

As a child I watched birds.
I studied their feathery bodies as they soared through the sky;
Took notes on the way their wings dip and dive over tree branches;
I revised every note to their morning song as they created crescendos of sound;
And I learnt from their gentle nature.
I found freedom within the birds.
But I guess they never warned me about limitation.

Little bird,
I watched you die today.
I watched you dive into the line of an oncoming car on a busy street.
I watched in horror as your tiny body was thrown to the ground, helpless and broken.
I watched a stranger “put-you-out-of-your-misery” with a small steal capped hammer.

Little bird,
I watched you die today.
I watched as your freedom was taken away.

I guess as a child I never stopped to realise;
Freedom has it limitations too.

Let me go like a loose firecracker on the night of New Years Eve. Watch as I erupt the sky with an illuminated glow; lighting up even the darkest parts of you.
Allow me to imprint my silhouette onto your eyes lids and let my colours stain your view;
So even when your eyes are closed;
You can still see me.

Out with the old, in with the new;
But does that apply for your demons too?

A world once covered in lush, green flora;
Is now left to rot;
Replaced with cold, grey concrete;
It was nature that we forgot.              
We thought we were building a world to sustain;
But instead, this is a world that lacks true terrain.
I can't help but wonder if this is what human nature set us up to be;
Living in a concrete jungle;
Instead of those with trees.

I wondered if the doors in your house lock by themselves because they know you’ll be too drunk to do it later. Maybe they know you like to keep your secrets locked away behind closed doors, so you don't have to admit to them; As it is easier to explain the absent of truth when there are lies to fill in the gaps.

From a young age I learnt to appreciate silence, as your nights brought a storm of yells and screams as my mother fought with words but you fought with a bottle and a wine glass. I wonder if the man at the bottle shop knew your order before you even walked through the doors, as you became quite the regular.

I wonder if my mother went to bed and cried the night she found bottles stashed away in the attic where nobody was suppose to find them; But almost six years after you left,  there they were. Maybe closed doors weren’t enough to keep your secrets locked away so you had to hide them in the attic, among family photos and old rusted bed frames.

I wonder if the sound of slamming doors still haunt my sisters ears. For they heard you leave in drunken anger, in the dead of night, to who-knows where.

I wonder if you ever thought of coming back; But I guess alcohol acted as a better family then we ever did because at least bottles don’t think, or have feelings and broken hearts.

I wonder if you’ll ever get the smell of alcohol out of your hair or from under your skin, and I wonder if you will ever keep the promises you once made me; But I guess my calls for help were nothing more than the soundtrack of a late night television show, left on as you fell asleep on the couch; red wine staining the carpet, leaving a tattooted mark as a reminder, telling those that you’d been here.

I wonder what it felt like when you realised, as children, we once replaced you beer with milky-water because we didn’t want daddy drinking anymore; Or what about the time when we threw out your tobacco. I  remember you sent us to our rooms, and shut the door behide you.

I wonder if you remember the time we went fishing and I asked you about the ocean. You explained that the ocean was like a human mind; so beautiful and clear,  yet deep and mysterious and that if I was to learn one thing in life, it was to never judge a person at first glance because just like the surface of the ocean, they only reflect the world around them. So I never judged you. I tried to understand you, but how was I  suppose to understand you when you kept closing doors in my face and threatening me with padlocks and lost keys?

I grew up learning to place my ears against the doors of your mind and try to arrange the puzzle pieces of your thoughts in an attempt to somehow create an image; But all I got was an unfinished picture with missing pieces.

I wonder if you remember the day I stopped visiting you because it was too hard packing my feelings into a suitcase and lugging them back and forth. I often wonder if you hated it that I didn’t call your house "home" or spent most of my time there, alone, outside because I didn’t like closed doors.

I remember once I  asked you why you drank so much. You said you liked the taste. I guess you also liked the heart break that comes with it, and the loneliness.

I wonder if you remember the night you got so blinded drunk you fell alseep on your bed with your pride by your side, waiting for my memory to pick it up and throw it out the window. I wonder if you remember I turned off the radio and let the silence tuck you in and the darkness sing you lullabies. I wonder if you remember I quietly closed the door behind me as I left;
Leaving another locked door;
With a deadly secret inside.

Broken promises;
And broken lies;
Tears pouring down your eyes.
Broken memories;
And broken screams;
Life is never what it seems.
So I grew up with broken bones;
And broken homes;
Because he was never a father to call my own.

Like a never-ending trail of hope and desire the free-way lead out into a dim evening dust that illuminated a blanket of clear, blue sky.

Our hair washed through the air as we wound down the front windows and collapsed into the sea of wind that rushed past our ears and cashed down with waves of sound.

She turned to look at me with fire burning red in her eyes and admiration in her heart.
Her stare obtained a force so fierce it instructed the sun to change identity from a deep blue to a dark lilac-orange as it slowly set on the horizon.
  
With our thoughts fuelled but spontaneous impulses,  we drove through the night, free from all ambitions, handing out our courage like small talk to a stranger, whom we couldn't care less about.
  
Young and stupid; We were naive at its best, and unconditioned at its worst.

I don’t build walls to keep you out;
I build walls to keep me in.

Unfulfilled love;
Is midnight kisses but morning goodbyes;
Tiny rain drops but never a storm;
A slight ripple but not a tidal wave.
And the worst thing about getting over a love you never had;
Is knowing that you never will;
Because you are left;
Unwanted.
And;
Unsatisfied.