I've been lying
I say that I'm okay
And it must be convincing
'Cause you believe it

But sometimes I wonder
Who am I fooling?
I think I've become a better liar
Because even to myself, I do it

I'm all smiles and sunshine
While I think inside,
Darling,
*You'll never know I'm hurting

Lonely, empty
Shattered & baffled

The space in my heart awaits you
With desire so severe
Skin burning with passion
Darling, I need you here

My head is home
To three different demons
Who whisper their thoughts
Like a venom, fast and poisonous

The first one, a man
Loud, carefree, love struck and happy
He shouts in my ear,
"Go, live, be free."

The second, a woman
Old, classy, and snooty
Her head always upturned
To show I'm a nobody

The last, a child
Scared and alone
That she has no one
When all she wanted was to go home

My ears burn at their whispers
Red, and hot
But they're stuck in my head
And I listen more often than not

The sun fakes a smile
And the moon moved to tears
The stars forget how to shine
And the clouds begin to reappear

A heart of stone, unwavering
And cold
Thawed by a fiery gaze
One that I could call home

With lips that offer the taste of heaven
Yet still stings like hell
A heart unaware of my pain,
But one I could love again and again

Seven straight nights
Seven cold, lonely moons
And a pair of eyes
Drowned in sorrow and fright

A head filled with demons
Who come back each night
Too strong to contain
And something we both stopped to fight

I have always known
That I'm better off alone

I used to know a boy who loved to count. He wanted to contain the world in numbers. The seas and mountains he tried to manipulate using numbers. Seven, twenty-two, five thousand and forty, a million and more. He never stopped for he felt the world in his hands with the thought that his numbers lasted longer than anything on Earth. But one day, a shadow blocked the sun from his eyes while he was trying to count the leaves of a tree. He then gazed upon two beautiful eyes that made him forget the number of hairs he had on his little head. He gazed and gazed and in his amazement he didn't even bother to manipulate it using his numbers. This was something beyond his grasp. Something beautiful that he wanted to last forever. But one day, he opened his eyes to see not the beautiful eyes, but the world he kept atone in numbers. He was frantic. He no longer counted the things in the world for the world no longer matters. He searched far and wide for those two beautiful eyes to count their eyelashes and call them his own before he loses them completely.

I wonder if you knew
About those nights
When I longed for you
To hug me, and pull away my fright

When my stomach would do flips
And I'd feel sick
But I only want a glimpse
Even for a second, just real quick

Of the one I love
Whose heart I have
But no
Dear, you didn't know

I no longer yearn for you
Not intensely as before
Those nights when I was blue
"I don't want to ever need you," I swore

I used to smile and be happy
I still do
But I do now for me,
And hardly because of you

If you crack open my mind
And examine my brain
You'll a find a lot inside
Thoughts
Ideas
Words
But mostly
Hidden feelings
Anxiety, Fear, Love
All trying to make their way
Out
But I don't let them show
Though it destroys me
Inside
I don't mind

I love you
With every bit
Of me
Burning hotter
Than a thousand suns
And lasting longer
Than that thing
Called
Forever

Yet
I don't think
You know
I don't think
You feel the
Same way
I
Do
Because I would
Do anything
For
You
But maybe you'd
Watch me
Burn and shrivel
Turn into ashes
From the intensity
Of my
Own love

I fear losing you
I fear losing me
Anxiety floods over
Like welcome little friend
Every night it comes by
Reminding me
All the
Possibilities
What could happen
Where to go
What would I become

It drives me insane
And makes me
Restless, tired
And dark

If you could only
See my heart
You'd see it beats for you
But bleeds
From scars
I cut because
Of you

Sleep won't make anything better
Drowning in alcohol won't make me forget
Because the pain is always there
And all I'm left with is regret
Emptiness clings to me like bubblegum on my sole
But you cling even harder
You say you want to save my soul
Even if it's a waste; so, why bother?
Starving for pills
Drowning in alcohol
Covered with blood
You've made me undone
And I don't know what to become

You say you love me.
You tell me I'm beautiful,
You tell me I'm smart.
That I'm capable of doing things
Unimaginable
And sometimes impossible.
But what if I don't want to?
What if I just want to be myself?
Messy, sad an lazy.
Would you love me still
Even if I'm not the way as you see me?

I still dream of running away
To a place I could call my own
Safe from the heartaches of the world
A place where I can hide
And tend the demons in my head
Where nobody knows me
And I know nothing
I can search this Earth for that haven
For I don't fear getting lost
How can I lose my way?
I don't even know where I'm going

How do I make love
To someone far from me?
The bed I lay on grows colder
From lacking the warmth
Of your body
The pillows are no match
For the soft, electrifying
Touch of your skin
Yet I still try
To find life
Somewhere in them
But no matter how
Hard I try
I can never hear a heart
Sing my name with every beat
Beneath all the fluff and
The feather
What do I do
With all this passion, desire
And emotion
Overwhelming me
Drowning me
And robbing me of air?
When you’re unaware of it
Ignorant even
Or did I just forget
To watch over my emotions
To not let it overflow
And go to such waste
Because maybe, probably
You won’t even appreciate them
But then again,
I don’t mind
I’d let my love run freely
And spend it, waste it, give it all
For you
Yet how?
How do I make love to you
Through this poem
Through my words?
When you don’t even know
How this anxiety numbs me
From every other sensation
That is not you
Will I only make love to you in my mind?
Stuck there forever
Haunting me every night
Or will the sunshine of
Your love
Bathe me in warmth someday
And make flowers bloom
Until then
I can only make love to you
In my mind
Through my words
Through this poem
That I’d hope would
Touch your heart as
You've touched
Mine

Once upon a time there was a girl who cried her heart out every night. It spilled everywhere and it wasted her precious love. With nowhere to turn to, she wrote stories. She wrote and wrote until her stories touched other hearts and inspired other lives. One day, an old lady asked her, "what's in your stories that make it so good?" She smiled feebly and said, "my broken heart."