running to leave something behind
I don’t know

love, my love,
will have to stand for itself
on its own
I have nothing except love
to give you

do you believe me?

is it enough?
it will have to be enough

I look back only in the rear view
my naked eyes
and naked heart
cannot bear to see

all of what I do feels like carnage
the carnage I create is just loss and desperation

but I hope you will look back
whichever way you please
and see me waving,
calling out
see you soon
I love you

I love you

I seek a mother in every other mother,
a father in every other father

I am still a daughter
I am still not sure how to find home
I am still a daughter - but whose?

I am also just some person now
Not a girl, not a child,
not anyone’s anything

And today,
in the stark middle of this sunny day,
I can see the moon in the sky

Profound and silly to remember
that it’s always nighttime somewhere

Today I remember
it is always nighttime
somewhere in me.

I keep my door open -
for you, I always do

People like to say nothing’s that deep,
but I find nothing but the depths of us
in our little actions -

Please don’t shut me out
of your room, of your life

Who am I now if you’ve changed,
and you’re better,
and every second sentence you say
isn’t just a way
to tell me that I am the face of all your regrets?

Now that we get along,
and my mother is gone,
I have a tentative friend
(and walls and countless methods of defence
and guilt at not perceiving a single threat)

Now that we get along,
what do I say to her about you
and the transformations you pushed her to?

This is a tender love -
tentative and bittersweet

Oh, I could never tend a garden
I lack the patience, the sensitivity

How could I be trusted with
a little warmth,
a frail, embering coal,
a glow almost ceasing?

I could
crush it up,
***** it out
easily

There is violence in me,
do you know?

This is fire you play with,
this glow

You know I’m quite sure
I am the Devil’s own

Yet I try not to walk down those roads

(But, oh, how they feel like home.)

Sometimes,
when it’s quiet enough,
I can hear its vibrations

A taut string I will not play
A pillar
that one could almost see swaying
when the knots are high

Haven’t I turned every leaf in my garden?
Doesn’t the grey turn back to green?
Or must it all fall before it grows again -
Too soon I feel it’s been
since I raked up the parts which made me

I look out - I’ve painted over every piece
And still,
in just enough silent nothing
stands the imprint I appease
Oh, I’ve tried and I try to make peace

I wish I were a tree
giving shade to a dog with my leaves
and never asking, nor needing,
to be told how good I have been

I wish I were a tree
but I am the rain
(lately too much,
people running away
to find a tree, for its shade)

I love and I love -
I have drowned the roses
in my neighbour’s yard

I did not mean to, I swear

My neighbour’s dog does not care
if I drown a rose, for a rose
does not smell like a bone

My neighbour’s dog barks out the door
She stays inside when it pours -

And it pours and it pours…

Why the endless machine
of my broken dam heart?

I have failed to stop
since my very first start

My love is the rain,
people running away
to the shade of a tree
till I go away

Why is it too much?
My love, like the rain

I am good and yet never
quite good to embrace