i just want to be able to feel okay again
-ten word story

why am i ******* unable to cry

little girl wants to climb mountAins
     as high as the pitch produced
         when she arches back her back
     and lets herself be taken care of
  all the strains and pains of her human remains gone, never to be thought of again


the kind of high that pours out of her.
commercial golden drugs created for
pleasure,
never to be measured
by those who'd prefer to use her like a tap
clackitty clack
the better me is not for the likes of you to touch, hands are not yours to unclasp

receive her willing kindness
and beware men who would strip it away
forget about modern daily pressure
let your problems wash astray
in the sea that has become
the only home for someone so gray

i'm back to my wheel of misfortune
the creepy man in the black suit is pointing at
    voyage.

all i ever wanted to do is leave
and it's not even romantic at this point
i hate it here and there's nothing holding me back
empty words that weigh as little as paper

not anymore
why am i always pretending?
i can't stand up in this tiny box of a house

does it scare you
that they might leave
that you might go

and that you might not finish
your last wor

hueles a madera;
a madera olvidada,
a madera podrida,
a madera vencida.

my euphoria lasted as much as her last cigarette
the one she put in her pocket
at the risk of burning her favourite jacket
all in the name of reaching for something
that was definitely already there

i wanted to draw a drill
to represent how I was feeling;
but I managed to paint half a glass of milk
so i guess my mind had been drifting

soft words and their way of making people sing
lull me like a sweet tune in this chimney, in this place
in my head, slurring over and over until lines would draw up triangles of sleepy infant "jeux",
  circles of faded fantasies would come to life and pray,
  plus rectangles and cornucopias filled with fun and livelier days.
clouds of droopy golden light drip over our heads as we both lay
in soft blankets made out of my personal handmade Heaven's embrace
lush silk pillows under our overweight, over-bearing, strongly fastened necks
  'cause they hold Atlas' weight and the answers for today.
the cycle ends for another shortened day...
the air seems rich with the smell of freshly-made pancakes.
little troll walking down the stairs with a new spring in her step.
lean into the chocolatey sweetness of a mother's oven-like haze,
close your eyes and wonder
if you'll ever feel the same.

i feel like i just ran a marathon on my own. like all my friends would cheer but they'd be too far away to throw me a water bottle, even though their cheers and my own prejudices & expectations rang in my ears and head like nothing i can even attempt to remember. my first stop was confusing... i really thought i had grown but i guess i'll have to wait to say the words until the door handle falls and reveals the measurements my ego left behind. and by the way, by the time you revved up your motorcycle i had decided i had little time to spare. a conviction i completely forgot the SECOND i realised all i really need is new things, shiny and shinier, brilliant ******* that can and will take me away from this stupid coca-cola brown monotony that i so wholeheartedly despise.
worst part is, i knew. even though i've told myself countless times that i wouldn't, that i shan't, make the same ******* mistakes i seem to find new languages to scream out the same stupid words.
every. single. time.
those who know me (and i mean REALLY know me, not like you claim to do with your ******* false sentiments and pity, mind you) know that i fear failure and hate disappointment above every single feeling any cells in my body can produce, above any chemical, above any drink. you've managed to upgrade the disappointment i felt in myself until i can't even see what i used to when i looked in a puddle.
"thank you".
you've been a total waste of my time.

there's a difference

between the one that begins in the place
where you were left standing, isolated
the tip of the cliff crumbling apart
below your sodden feet
nothing short of curated, cremated
feels like it was yesterday: not far

or the one happening where you are standing
convinced that there's more beyond
the enemy line,
the horizon should shine
every day for you, once and for all
(but it feels like it's raining slime)

maybe the one that should happen
the place where you will be standing
in a measure of time no one knows
like the back of their hand,
because it flows
      irregularly
and it breaks all the tiny ice
under your feet, the ***** looks steep
cushioning your fall into The Big Deep.

the sinking feeling of preparing a suitcase for a funeral
burns out as quickly as her life did.

your kindness will not be forgotten;
i love you, auntie.

are an entire army on their own.

depending on which side of the mirror you look at us from,
we are beautiful in an ethereal way
and dangerous like the steel that won't be bent
         to fit
         your
         stupid
         box.

so i reached out
               panting
and suddenly i was
              touching
the sky, in all its
          mystifying
glory, was
        iluminating
everything i had ever called mine was
                  falling
cascading onto the floor and almost
              crashing
into all my sentences, that were
              sleeping
on the floor, and
               waiting
to be finally awoken

imagine
showing someone your weak spot
the place where you're most vulnerable at
the one safe word in a sentence where all
the others have failed you several times
the flesh revealed when you took your top off
and know they've punched it
slammed it, dunked it
into the murky waters below
oh, why does it hurt so
realizing i should not have trust you at all

in two days of solitude
i am announced as the chosen one
to vanquish & conquer the lands
of rehabilitation and trusting funds.
tactics are foolishly oversaturated,
girls are overpowered & manipulated;
for she became the fiercest of them all
and he will soon be the weakest of Nepal

new train station up ahead:
hold on to your bags.
desperate times call for desperate measures
and my zip-locks have failed me.
lately,
i've been feeling down (too)
down, train track height, down;
but the train drives fast and i ain't got time to dwell on what should've been.
i'm moving
free will discarded like a greasy paper bag:
use it once, leave it behind
forget all about it, it's done.
we're speeding together
you & i
travelling to the lands of the unknown
where, perhaps, i'll get to know you.
lay your soul down for me
the blanket is soft, i swear.
i hope we don't crash,
i hope we don't burn.

we're speeding together,
you & i
time's a blur.
we hope we won't get hurt
getting off this train
and leaving behind the world.