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Dec 2017 · 105
insidious;
a mcvicar Dec 2017
an ad for a funeral home
outside a hospital
18.12.17  /  13.26  /  beyond being able to describe what this tsunami feels like
Dec 2017 · 186
ouroboros of shame
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i
have
failed
myself

unfortunately, it was all i had left
18.12.17  /  11.23  /  for the first time since i plummeted, i let them see me

they did not like me
all i did was make it worse
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i have bared my skin
to the people closest to me
for the first time in forever

as i expected
my ribs were
          too sharp
and poked
those who stood next to me


i find my ribs beautiful when they are covered with skin
not so much when they're laid bare for people to see
17.12.17  /  21.00  /  and still then i should've said more, exhausted, exhausted, i can't deal with this anymore. i just want help i just need someone to **** it up like i do, why can no one tell me what i would tell myself. i wanted to share my poetry but it all turned black and im blind, guide me, i can't see. can i fight on my own?
Dec 2017 · 131
unfinished
a mcvicar Dec 2017
does it scare you
that they might leave
that you might go

and that you might not finish
your last wor
17.12.17  /  18.58  /  my eyes are the colour of these awful hospital walls
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i have become passive

schoolgirl taking notes on other people's feelings
and claiming for the self
another person's soul worth

i am cold
entirely numb, aching by poetry
it's like not even the words that cut and bleed and scream and cry move me anymore


i will forever claim to be
someone i've only dreamt of

           and no more
17.12.17  /  18.34  /  desperate for someone to teach me how to feel
Dec 2017 · 169
sit tibi terra levis
a mcvicar Dec 2017
it's crazy how someone can be
slowly recovering
but also
hurtling
               towards
                              the end.
17.12.17  /  18.27  /  almost at the funeral home
Dec 2017 · 117
tempus fugit
a mcvicar Dec 2017
even as i shrug i can feel it coming down
i see her last breath
the last breath i will see in many others
scarily alive, creepily deceased

i saw in her eyes that now she was truly terrified of dying
she had finally understood what makes people "people"

and i saw in her tears the very feelings i can't seem to express

forever the outsider, taking notes
feelings and patterns of conduct do not apply to me
writing away my blood and giving away my humanity

i won't form a tear, a whimper
i couldn't form a tear, my sister
i can't form a tear, resisted

i am
          useless      
in the face of pain
17.12.17  /  15.01  /  a place where people wouldn't come to heal their oozing wounds
Dec 2017 · 222
whisp
a mcvicar Dec 2017
the sinking feeling of preparing a suitcase for a funeral
burns out as quickly as her life did.

your kindness will not be forgotten;
i love you, auntie.
17.12.17  /  13.04  /  black
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i keep falling
in and out of love
with the ****** character

we were by the chimney.
i placed my hand on your leg and
whispered how everything would be okay.

we were by the toilet.
i hugged you
i would make it bearable.

trust me

all i did was run
all i did was give
all i got was a shoulder
all i got was free

             of charge

i understand that you can't
but it still hurts


"thank you"
honestly, how much do two words cost
16.12.17  /  23.49  /  a place where no one follows, where i should be sleeping
Dec 2017 · 101
deep down
a mcvicar Dec 2017
but
who
comes
after
me?

i've chased everyone in an attempt to
tie together the red string that i believe we still share to this day

but no one came after me

not even today, day of unity
of family
kiss my ***
16.12.17  /  22.33  /  the pit in my stomach is not festive green, hiding in the cave that all visit but no one sees
Dec 2017 · 506
i don't know
a mcvicar Dec 2017
it rose


slowly at first
as i took it in and marveled in its beauty, it changed
metamorphosis, they called it
heard the wind through the leaves in my back garden way before you noticed the storm coming


and then it was graceful
beautiful
everything i ever needed compressed into one tiny experience
am i reduced to only this?

if so, i am  
                  tiny (and
                                   meaningless)

have you ever
felt
tiny
whilst staring at the stars
2 AM rants in your brain told you to learn and watch and learn and listen

i guess i was too busy looking at them
and i didn't notice us crashing down

but the sun came up
and i may not have slept at all, but i sure as hell could see what would happen

so i stared, waiting for beauty, waiting for tragic endings to come, to define me, to become me
like i was in a movie

and in the end
all it did was burn
15.12.17  /  15.11  /  in a doubtful place
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i am angry
at myself and her
for being cold and not understanding
for being superficial and not understanding

this is my soul
can you not understand
this is what i call home

have you not realised
there           is             no               one                    here      

anywhere but here

she is taking you
away from me
and this is all i have
please don't leave me

angry and resentful

appears to be my everyday
but you have crossed a line
crossed the line
the only one i thought you would respect
without me having to ask you to

please

let              me                breathe
14.12.17  /  21.38  /  fiery pit in my stomach tied itself into a knot and now i can't breathe
Dec 2017 · 199
she is
a mcvicar Dec 2017
how can someone
still look pretty
while she's sinking
she was singing

and they didn't go away, no
in fact it seemed they grew stronger
but the wind in her hair did too
and her confidence grew
until her pose was enough to scare                                                            ­ monsters away

i
am
enthralled
by the way she stares down the world
14.12.17  /  19.03 / stairs by the door
Dec 2017 · 714
almost naked
a mcvicar Dec 2017
i'm back in my spot
but it's not mine anymore.
people have read me
people have temporarily glanced into the duvet that covered
my breathing
so no one hears it, no one sees
what's really going on within me.

once i trust myself to give her a peek
i'm worried she will never see me, again
amongst the trees i am tiny
and unseen
and unclean

i do not know how much longer i can take this weight on my bare back
i do not have the answers that reside in my core
my centre is soft and i'm no different

we all are.
futile.
14.12.17  /  15.08  / my favourite log in the forest
Dec 2017 · 154
untitled
a mcvicar Dec 2017
hueles a madera;
a madera olvidada,
a madera podrida,
a madera vencida.
a mcvicar Dec 2017
sixth
time
[passing]
doubts
[spreading]
changes
[multiplying, every day a new person rises from the coffin, doesn't realize that she's dead]
now the little girl is no more
because now she knows
about the people below the poppies
about the daisies that contained her friends
and it's heavy
a marble tomb, a coffin, a cage
and it won't open
and you scream and shout and bleed and cry
while mere peasants walk by
"this is art"
"this is natural"
"this is normal"
"this is what happened to us"
excuse me
but the corpse nation would be much more populated if living was this way for everyone
isn't it this way for everyone?
if it is, why am I still a ******?
even though I gave myself up
why
explain
no, don't patronize
I can understand
the words coming out of your rotting excuse for a mouth
if "this" is normal
why do they get to look happy all the time
why are they so carefree
are they actors, actresses?
no?
then explain why I am a fake
explain how you know what feeling normal feels like yet you've never been inside my brain
my brain
it's woken up
and it has questions that no book, no bible, no coran can answer
and there's no relief
help me
the marble walls are pressing in
and I can't find my way out
your question left unanswered
there are no clues inside my cage
and I know
that if I don't fit in this tomb
that if I don't adapt
to whatever I'm suposed to adapt to
I'll asphixiate

seventh
trying out
all my different skins
the detective told me to watch
watch and learn
investigate
choose
become (your favorite)
become the one that will make them laugh
become the things they like
become her
become perfect
and so I was reborn
the renaissance
but unlike the actual renaissance
where the golden age came after the blackest of black plagues
mine was in reverse
the gold had smothered my persona
and I had an alibi
and my persona drowned whilst clutching onto my very core
my feelings and thoughts
the one piece that still belonged to me
[who is me???]
it was gone
but it didn't matter because now I couldn't even think
and no thoughts meant no voices warning me
that that wasn't right
that that wasn't me
that I was as lost as I used to be
so I obliged
I listened to the only voice left
the one that would drift out of other people's ***** souls
and weight us all down
and make us crouch
in an effort not to pass out
but you can't walk forwards whilst
drowning (and crouching)
in fact all you can do is survive
wrote this months ago...
Dec 2017 · 81
who are you
a mcvicar Dec 2017
torn pages
of notebooks
remind me of you
00.37 AM
Dec 2017 · 115
i can't sleep
a mcvicar Dec 2017
the solitude of the night calms me
the tranquility of a place forgotten to the insomniac city
and as the wind blew through my cracks and holes
the balcony whispers, whispered

but no one heard
14.12.17
Dec 2017 · 267
piece by piece
a mcvicar Dec 2017
the marble walls are pressing in
and I can't find my way out
your question left unanswered
there are no clues inside my cage
and I know
that if I can't fit in this tomb
that if I don't adapt
            (to whatever
             I'm suposed
             to adapt to)
I'll asphixiate
a mcvicar Dec 2017
her body;

i refuse to compare it to another 60's                                      
                      ­                                   cliché.
she's not a movie, not a painting.
not a flower.
not a galaxy.

she's unique enough
to be called
         a
            river
                   of
                       her
                             own

because her body is made from the same matter clouds are made of.
mountains, oceans, fields cannot compare, to the pretty girl
with the curves
that could drown you
or make you
                              float


away, she is nicotine,
she is the balloon that guided my dreams
she leaves and i do too
wherever she goes i will follow.
a quest to look for the very strengh that belongs in the core of her eyes.

if she could only see
the way she looks to me.
you are valid, you are beautiful, you are deserving of love and appreciation.

— The End —