sometimes you gotta close you eyes before you hit the ground, it gives you the idea that maybe you won't be hitting the ground any time soon and maybe there's no ground to hit. maybe you'll fall forever or maybe you'll hit the ground with enough force to shake the pearly gates. If you keep your eyes open you can hit the ground running, running means leaving and leaving means starting over but after you starting over doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and promise you that everything's going to be alright but my hands haven't seen "alright" since I was young enough to hope and dream that my dad would stop worshiping some God he'll  never meet and start worshiping his own flesh and blood, and I could fall in love with your eyes but that would mean staying and the windows have been showing my name in fogged glass for years, your body could be my home but I've been kicked out of every place I've called my home since I was 10 years old and I'm not sure i can handle another eviction notice written in my own blood. I could fall in love with you but you have to promise not to expect something you will never receive. I could promise you forever but forever has a tendency of running away before I can explain why I won't make a promise to someone who hasn't bolted the doors shut.

let just not talk, not because i don't miss your voice but because your eyes say what your mouth can't and I can hear your breathing, darling. I can hear your mind change when you look at my hands, constantly reaching for your heart but you back away every time I inch closer. I can feel your heart race when you look into my eyes but you keep your hands in your pockets. you keep your desires in the back of your mind while logic takes over.

if I knew that was the last night you'd touch me, the last time I'd hear you say my name with traces of love and regret in your voice, the last time I'd have the pleasure of holding your hand or kissing you with cracking lips I would've held on longer. I would've kiss you harder, more passionately. I would've left my heart on your lips and my fingerprints on your neck. I would've held you in a way that made her body feel like your worst childhood memory. if we had more time I would've told you everything. I shouldn't have been scared to love you, I shouldn't have wanted to take you from her but ****, laying on my floor wrapped in your arms made me believe in God. it made my worst fears fade and my eyes shine. before you, I never let anyone in. I know you were hers and in a sense, always will be hers, but admitting that I wanted you that night was the best decision I've ever made. staying up all night, with our bodies inching closer together was the most intimate situation I've ever been in. Intimate in a way that made me feel naked, even though neither of us would dare to take our clothes off because we were too scared of someone finding us. I looked at you and I didn't have to feel insecure that you were looking back. I'd like to believe that you loved me the same as I to you, but we both know that isn't the case. I know you're wrapped up in her, but the moments you were mine were breath taking.  those moments made me whole, watching you love her is what broke me.

this is for her

tell her how you're no stranger to unrequited love. tell her everything he's going to say, because you've spent months memorising every word he's ever said to you. let her know that she needs to constantly remind him that he is loved, he is wanted, he is needed. tell her how he likes his coffee and how all he wants when he wakes up is to be held. tell her how he'll hold her hand until the day he can't bear to feel her skin anymore. tell her how soon that day will come. remind her not to be scared of losing him because there will be a day he comes back. he always comes back. warn her about his lips and how they'll never want to leave hers. don't leave out how addictive his hands can be, one minute they'll be combing through your hair and the next they'll be at the edge of your pants, while he's whispering in your ear saying " I'm so in love with you" tell her to remember he was yours first. let her know how easy it is to fall in love with him. he will have days where he wants nothing but to say goodbye to everything this world has to offer, you need to remind him how beautiful life can be, tell him you'll never allow him to end his life because he's such a big part of yours (he will become your everything) do not forget to explain to her how precious time can be. when you spend time with him, there's nothing else in the world that could be half as important as the way he lays his eyes on you. he will want to leave, and you will have to let him go. he gets so angry that you'll swear it's fire he's speaking, not english.  he isn't capable of commitment, you will always be his but he will never be just yours. you will never be enough for him, no matter how much you want to be his home, the love of his life, you won't. you'll want to cry, you'll wish you never met him in the first place. you'll want to walk away and never look back, but you won't be able to because as soon as you turn away he takes your heart right out of your chest. he makes sure it's his decision when he goes and when he will come back. if he will come back. you'll want to take his sadness, his hurt and his pain. you'll try but he will never give it up. he will tell you that he is worthless, he is different and he doesn't deserve to breathe and it will **** you. it'll hurt you more than you have ever experienced because no matter how many times you tell him that he is the reason the sun kisses the earth in the morning, he will never believe you.

this is waking up at 4 am to find her name on his lips. this is repeatedly slamming the door because he can't stop leaving it open when he leaves.
this is how he smells when he comes home. these are his hands on your neck, silently hoping he's going to squeeze a little bit harder next time.
this is a phone call, and you swear it's going to be the last one, but you said the same thing last night and the night before. you don't know it yet, but that was the last time you'll hear his voice. this is your only pack of cigarettes and not being able to find the self control to make them last. not being able to find the self control to make anything last. these are the pills the doctor prescribed to make it go away. why won't it ******* go away. you're drowning, but your lungs are filled with smoke. this is for the nights you spent wide awake, tears and blood scattered all over his side of the bed. his side of the bed. his. this is for the days you spent staring at the door. waiting for something, waiting for anything to happen. wishing you didn't have to wait anymore. this is the burning you feel in your chest when you think about his mouth. it's been 9 months but you can still feel his lips on your cheek. this is for the hours you've spent staring at your hands, wondering why they feel so empty. why you haven't been able to feel anything expect for the void.

letters were created so humans can communicate, so a person knows exactly what another person is feeling. There are 26 letters in the english alphabet. I've been trying for days, but I cannot arrange those letters in a way that explains how I feel about you. there are endless possibilities but I'm at a loss for words. a lot of people would say it's love. even more would say it's lust, but I don't want you to touch me. I don't want to spend time memorising the way your eyes constantly shift from mine to hers. I don't want to think about your arm around her waist every single night before you fall asleep. I don't want to love. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be so wrapped up in you, I forget you're already wrapped up in her. I get so high at the thought of holding your hand, but remembering your hand belongs to her is the quickest way to sink.