I saw you last night.
you were standing across the room, but I couldn't stop looking at you long enough to tell myself to move my feet.
I touched you last night.
you must've noticed my twitching palm and because you know me so well, you knew it was because of how uncomfortable I get when you stare.
I held you last night.
for the first time in eight months I was lucky enough to breathe you in and my god you still smell the same as you did the day you told me you couldn't love me anymore. I was too much. of what I don't know but maybe it was because I refused to give myself up for you time and time again.
I kissed you last night.
I think it killed me.
my lips haven't felt that much sadness since you kissed me with tears on your cheeks and blood on my wrist. your voice echoing in my head "why did you do this, oh my god why did you do this, please don't do this again. I'm begging you please baby stop"
you were mine last night.
for the short time we were together, there was no one else.
I wouldn't dare give my attention to anything besides your hand on my thigh. I couldn't possibly move mine from you neck. I was bonded to you in a way I haven't experienced since I gave you my innocence.
I woke up this morning.
cursed myself for dreaming about you once again. I pressed my hands to my mouth and repeated over and over
"you are not mine
you were never mine
you never will be mine.
I was never yours.
I will never be yours."

I lay down and try to get you out of my head.  I can't help but toss and turn. ******* it  i wish I could stop thinking about your hands long enough for me to regain my sanity but when you touch me its something I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt in months.
I haven't felt anything in months.
either I feel too much or I don't feel at all there is no happy medium but all I've been feeling lately is the absence of you. but you're not mine to feel in the first place so all these words and pictures and moments that are running through my head don't mean anything because in the end your touch belongs to her. I'll keep you my favorite secret and you'll keep me hiding in the wings

every time I see you my heart falls to the floor and I get a rush of energy but after I think of you I'm drained. I'm so emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is cry. I want to **** you and kiss you at the same time and i ******* hate myself for it. I wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. just one more time. would it feel foreign? or would it be just the same. the same two lips that kissed me while I was crying and kissed me when I was quiet but more so when I was laughing. would I be able to taste that smile like I used to? would your hands pull me closer? would your arms lock me in place because my knees are far too weak to hold me up? I can't say that I want you, because God knows I don't. but I'd like to remember how you feel against me for just a minute. how it feels to be loved, or at least what I mistook for love. I don't know what love is. I don't think I ever have. Love is not crying at 3 am because you're terrified of what comes when you wake up the next day. Love is not a handful of pills just to stop the hurt. Love is not her kiss. Love is not what you made me think it was. Love is not reaching over to find your no longer there. Love is not taking. Love is not Lust.

never come to me for advice
because if I were you,
I wouldn't want to listen to me anyways.
I've been through hell and back but my stories aren't worth telling, and when my stories bleed, they bleed heartbreak and disaster, there won't be a "lesson learned" at the end of this chapter.
constant recovery and constant aching for more, I could advise you on how to give yourself away to someone who doesn't love you, but I couldn't give you any help with the pain that comes along with unrequited love
and I could tell you of my grandmothers laugh, I could tell you all about my childhood and how I spent it waiting for a man who would never come back.
I never knew what love was, I only knew what you told me it was supposed to be, but you seemed to have confused it with lust, because whatever love you had only was talked about when you were laying over me.
I could tell you countless amount of stories, but do not come to me for advice.

when I'm high I can feel the same tingling in my bones as I did when you touched my neck and I can taste your tongue on my lips like you did when you used to whisper against them and say that you would always love me but it wasn't me you fell in love with. you fell in love with my hips. with the way my fingers tensed when you touched me, three quarters up from my wrist. and when I'm coming down I can still feel the pain as when you left me and my heart disintegrated into black, rotten ashes.
and I can feel your lips on my chest and I can feel your lips move, they way they did when they admitted their unrequited love for me.
but the spaces between my fingers have never felt the same since you stopped holding onto me for dear life.
I can feel the life slip over my hands and break through my fingers.
and I've come to realise any life I had left went with you

kiss me hard
don't let me go
put your hands on my hips
and let me put on a show

I'll take you for the night,
become your favorite disaster
make you wonder why you
didn't come after me
just a little bit faster

I'll show you how I work.
let you memorise the movement of my chest.
give you a chance to hear my heartbeat quicken with every aching breath.

Bite my neck
kiss my lips
let me know im driving you crazy.
touch my hips
pin me down
show me that you crave me.