What am I?

I should be nothing to you.
A breeze on your neck.
A pleasing glance
or stare.

I’d hope.

Though nothing more and nothing less.
I am a bag of dirt.

Wash and rid of me
from your warm hands.

While you still can.

You are the sarcastic stain in my words.

You are the scoff in my laugh.

The dragging in my steps and the scar on my side.

I’m restraining myself,

I’m holding it all in.

But I will always be searching for your empty laugh.

And waiting for your restless phone calls.

You will always be the unwelcoming sun,

that casts my darkest of shadows.

You are a room with no corners.
A cynosure within my mind’s eye.
Ineffable emotions you imbue in me.

I am restless for your

touch

skin

smile.

I feel a penumbra of your spirit trailing behind every step I take;
grateful for your petrichor effect at the ending of my days.

Untoward emotions
cascading and clashing
knocking me down

each and every time
you loom into my mind.

It is all in me yet seeping out.
Spilling onto the thick, clammy ground.
My motives gain no ambition
and I will toss my untruthful tactics into the abyss.

Exhausted, worn-out, pale and quick.
First sighted, then gone.
And again and again.

My fists are coming back to me torn and beaten.
My soul is attempting to return to me.

Torn and beaten.

Running around and around and around
Kicking up dust in my eyes
Choking on your mess and my hysteria
All I wish is to see the clear blue sky once again

I wanted to always see it with you

But you wouldn’t have it
No, you wouldn’t have it

Kicking up dust in my eyes
I’m choking, choking

Feeling your hot breath against the back of my neck,
it nourishes me like the sun to a flower

Feeling you entwine your fingers with mine
and all is forgotten and I only see your face

Move your body with mine.
The worlds melts away and I never want to let you go

Drifting off to sleep with you by side
I want to awake to your seaside eyes always

we are like broken records
you and i
spiraling around and around each other
whispering and declaring
promising and always cherishing
the mantras of our undying love.

Standing on the shore
waiting for your return.

Too cold to go in
too scared
no incentive.

Running to the tide
but it always pulls back

before I can

r e a c h

You were nothing but a furtive dalliance.
Our days were conflated with a demure attitude.

I’m an ingenue.

And you are an imbroglio.

Chasing color and sound
Noticing movement all around
Feel my racing heart pound
Promise you won’t let me hit the ground

Reaching out to grab your warm hand.
To entwine my fingers with yours.

Pull you closer.

Hold you tight.

Whisper.

Smile.

Bliss.

Feeling out for you in the darkness of the night and you’re not there.
Clawing at the cold sheets to find your fingers to entwine with mine but they’re no where near.
Empty spaces and lost faces.

Where are you?
Why are you not here?

I’m afraid of the dark when you’re not breathing with me.

*I cannot live

I cannot breath

Unless you do this with me

And I swear it’s you
in every pair of eyes I see

every laugh I hear

every touch I feel

every sideways glance

I’m looking for your
face in the crowd.

The last night I spoke with you
I was walking to the house
looking up at the night sky and all its wonders
and a single rain drop fell from the clouds
and landed right on the middle of my forehead

Astounded and taken aback
I walked all the way home with my arms outstretched
wanting to feel more of the rain

But I did not
Only that one single kiss from the heavens

And so I walked through the door
Unknowingly so that it would be the last that'd lead me to you

That night you laid out all your jewelry in front of me
And you told me the story behind each piece
The way you laid it all out was so beautiful
and I tried so hard to not cry.
And I didn't.
But I wish I did.

Sometimes you make me quake within my chest
and my hands ball up into fists.
Sometimes you make me bite my lip so hard I bleed
and throw my fists too hard against the wall and bruise.

During those times my heart goes thumpthumthumpthumpthump
while I'm trying so ******* desperately not to scream.

My knuckles become white and my vision becomes blurred
my hands reach up to make them stop...
The dripdripdripping.

Be still trembling nerves
Pounding heart, quiet now
Not another sound.

Excuse my mocking tone
And the shortness of breath
My mind is reeling
And my thoughts are clashing and toppling


Restrictions are mandatory thus
I’m making this a bit more
Complicated.

Rambling. Rambling.

Running from their sharpened claws.
Their blood stained breath.
Their never escaping hunger.

Writing in white,
with no recognition
No one notices
So oblivious.

Writing in white, I’m forgotten in the fog.

I am an illusion. I write my life in white

screaming at the stars
and crying to the moon

there’s dirt in my eyes
and a hole in my heart.

there’s blood underneath my fingers nails
and I’ve got a mouthful of glass teeth

you heard me tell you
that i wanted you and i needed you
but i’m alone on my knees

screaming at the stars
and crying to the moon
there’s dirt in my eyes

and i’m left with the hole you put in my heart

my essence and my being
my awakened spirit within my soul
my fire and air
my despair and my desires

the carousal in head
spinning round and round
the  pendulum  in my mind swaying
back and forth
back
and forth
back
and forth
keeping me in balance
keeping me in place
with you

Which is all I ever want to be

I’m walking on shattered glass.
Everyday, expecting the lost and forgotten.

*The broken and breaking.

the poem that i promised you
the one i never finished
i wanted it perfect for you

the poem of your love
the poem of our blossoming love
was only of a simple flower
and the big bright burning sun

you used to burn with passion
and i was always warming my petals with your light
i was always in bloom
yearning to embrace you
and you were always there
smiling at me from above

but my sun has left
and my petals have fallen

you are on the other side of the world
and i am still where you left me

My heart is wringed within your grasp.

Now it’s beating fast for you
and my breathing becomes labored.

But you take no notice.

Just apply more pressure.

You’re the aching in my bones
The sigh underneath my breath
The ringing in my ears
The rattle in my frame
And the thorn in my side
You are my despair


You are my fake smile and my silent laugh
You’re the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face
You’re the spark in my eyes
The butterflies in my stomach
You are my secret
My alibi.
My truth.

But the sad truth is
you’re not really mine at all.

One by one they glide down.
Leaf after leaf after leaf.
and humbly sit themselves down on the roots of the tree
almost naked and bare.

Early for the Fall.

Already trembling in the ghostly wind.

Waiting to fall.

I am the northern wind
and you the southern breeze

I am the shriveling desert
You are my oasis

I am the failing flower
You are my sunshine

I am the coward
You are my rock

I am the cliche poem
You are a rough kiss on the lips

I am wanting something I can’t have
Something you won’t give me

I am the northern wind
I am way up
here

You are way down





there

The life in my lungs
The air I breathe
I am here
You are there
Yet you and I

We are everywhere

the **** of your cigarette

the last exhale trailing from your forced laugh

the rocks stuck in your shoes

the smudge of pen on your arm

the chip on your tooth

the cracks in the side walk

that you so humbly step over

the smell of soap on your neck

the scar underneath your eye

your crooked smile

the light in your eyes

when you look at her

There’s a rattle in my bones
and a coldness in my flesh.
I sit here on pins and needles waiting for you.

I’ll close my eyes and pretend you’re here with me.

You aren't really here with me though.
Aren’t you?

Deranged from new sensations
Consumed by inflamed relations.
Bent and twisted
But never unbreakable
If the truth was seeping from my lips would you still want a taste?

Drowsy and disorganized

but your promising eyes

keep me moving through the crowds.

Parading in circles around

and around my head.

Sprinting in circles

on and around

and around

my heart.

Out of words,
out of sight
and out of my mind.

Rambling and twisting into the night.

Out of ideas,
stop and rewind.

to know that your lips
are a manageable miles away.

to know that your eyes
are but 10 radio songs out of sight.

your sleeping and resting soul
is just down the highway
and the sadness of the realization
we’re still sleeping alone tonight

is all but too much.

don’t tempt me, universe.

Let me sink into the ground with you
I wanna feel your bones on mine.
Let me keep you here until nightfall.

And confess you’re all I ever wanted.

Yet I’m sinking into the ground without you
because you’re all I can’t have.

Racing to one side,
trudging to the other.
Back and forth

back

a n d

forth.

Am I ever going to catch my breath.
Am I ever going to win.

tearing at my flesh

clawing out my eyes.

trying to rid of the monster

you see inside me.

I’m tired and I’m delirious.
I’m falling and I’m smiling.
I’m yearning and I’m forgetting.
I’m screaming and I’m laughing.

Echoes of your soft voice trail behind my every thought.

every time I find a strand of your hair
I fall to pieces
every time I think of your laugh
I crumble and wither
every time I see your daughters tossing and turning
I ache
because I know they're looking for you

Breaths turning into short gasps,
fingers grasping for support.

I’m barely concentrating now
And I can’t tell which way is

up

or

down

Reaching out, then slowing reclining
Outward once more, and feel the warmth underneath my finger tips.
Smiling, laughing, loving, crying, screaming and silence.
Heat beating down on my back,
looking over and watching you watching me.

Smile.

Entwined, caressed, longed.
Drowning, wallowing, confused, lost and deserted.

Alone again, naturally.

I don’t know why, and I don’t care.
Only a ghost, a transparency.
A broken film for the time being.

For the time being.

You just watch me, now.
Really watch me.

Let me show you what I’m made out of.

Maybe it would be better,
if I didn't wake up tomorrow morning

Because then maybe if anything,
I could wake up with you

but you are a different kind of being

and you give me a different kind of feeling