i remember
all the memories we made
at the stroke of 12
in the middle
of the night.
all the moments
we spent together
dreaming of
the future
we have together
when we get out.
thinking of the life
we would live
once we are away
from the horrors
and nightmares
that reek in this life.
wondering about
where we would go
and who we would be
once we got out
and burned this town
and left it all behind
and never
ever
not ever
looked back.
all the memories
we made
at the stroke of midnight,
they are
anything
but
coming true
because there is
no more
a me and you.

you’re gone.
and you may come back,
but i won’t be waiting at your doorstep.
you’re gone. and so i am.
you left me behind,
not once,
but twice.
this has happened before.
i’ve left before you can come home.
treat me like dirt,
i’ll treat you like mud.
you’ve done this before,
not only to me.
you’ve done this before,
so how could i not see.
how could i not tell
that you would leave without saying goodbye.
how could i not see that i wasn’t important to you at all,
but you were important to me.
i never got a goodbye from you,
and its such a shame
because, you see,
you will never
hear a hello from me.

sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know how to be sad.
sometimes i miss the moments
when we were never apart.
sometimes i miss the days
that never let the sun set.
sometimes i miss the days
we didn’t know judgement and hate.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt know about abandonment.
sometimes i miss the days
when we didnt wish to die instead of live.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt see everything has a suicidal escape.
sometimes i miss the days
where all your words were of innocence.
sometimes i miss the days
when people didnt tell me, “smile more.”
sometimes i miss the days
when i did remember how to smile.
sometimes i miss the days
where i didnt know what relapse and recovery meant.
sometimes i miss the days
when everyone loved everyone.
sometimes i miss the days
that meant everything to me.
but now they’re gone.
and im here alone.
some days i miss the times
i thought i knew happiness.
because thats all i ever knew.

left out in the street.
left out in the rain.
left out to die.
left with only pain.
you walk away.
dont even look back at me.
dont think to stay.
youve had your fun.
you saw your rays of sun.
but thats over.
you take it all back.
"we were just having fun,
but i think we’re done.”
i was to fill your void.
but soon you felt annoyed.
annoyed sadly by me.
that is quite clear to see.
so kick me out.
drop me off.
push me away.
shove me down.
toss me behind.
and walk away.
me stuck under the cold rain.
waiting for a new day.
a better day.
a new day.
a day that’ll never come.
not for me at least.
thanks to all that i’ve become.
i’ll lie here.
and the worst part is,
i’ll stay here.
and wait for you to come back.
when i’ll apologize.
and you’ll forgive.
but my tortured memories,
are to be relived.

September.
remember,
back in school
being seniors
meant we had rule.
we were on top
and nothing
would make us stop.
but that didn't mean
i didnt have deep secrets
in my dreams.
school had just begun
back when we still
had the sun.
but i had clouds closing in
thought i didn't tell a soul.
so i began my journey
into the deep, dark, hole.
October.
remember, when the days grew dark so fast.
but that didn't stop others from having a blast.
when i was asked to go,
i always said no.
because when the sun set,
that reminder became a threat.
i was busy
gathering what i need
to carry out my
one
last
final
deed.

November.
remember.
remember november?
i know you do.
i know you wish it wasn't true.
i know you wish i could make it undo.
but don't you see,
what people do or say
really does hurt me.
if you already know that,
why did you call me fat?
if you already knew i was sad,
why did you save what you had?
if you dont know why,
why did you let me die?

remember?
back in november?
sunday night
to
monday morning.

my heart stopped beating.

happy 18th, baby girl.
watch your blood swirl.
onto the floor
or down the drain.
outside her window,
it rained, and rained, and rained.
3 empty bottles by her bed.
mother's hands holding her head.
paramedics write it off
as suicide;
her own hands
is how she died.
now,
i know you remember.
back to december.
seniors you were,
but everything became
a sudden blur.
all the tears,
being blinked away.
wishing i could have stayed.
now that i'm gone,
you finally realize
what you had ll along.
even though you're too late,
you'll treat this matter
with more weight.
i wish you knew
before monday morning,
at 12:02.
september began.
october started to show.
november held all the signs.
december you are undermined.
remember how you felt
back in december?
feelings of then
will teach you
when it happens again.
so please,
learn from my death and me.
save the one for whose life
can be foreseen.
and lastly,
make me a promise,
never
ever
forget.
always
remember
december.

35 years from now
you drinking in a bar
only thinking"How?"

you begin to remember
back to that year,
in november.

that day in november,
you will always remember.
how could you not
you are the reason after all
why she would bawl.

sunday night,
he left you 6 messages
and called 9 times.

with no answer from you
her lips ended in blue.
but this time,
it's 12:02.

morning of monday,
it was her birthday.

35 years later,
head in hands,
asking "why did i let her?'

october,
she called your name.
but you claimed
it was just a game.

then came early november
you can help but remember
how she asked for your hand,
but said you had other plans.

her end came nearer
and not until now
do you see clearer.
not until after did you notice
her absence of laughter.

today,
is her birthday.
and every year
you have too many beers
and add one more regret
starting with the day we met.

'if i never said hello,
and you never said hi,
you wouldn't have to say
goodbye."

today, you have 35 regrets.
today you have another
reason to fret.

35 years later,
you still don't see.
what made her
do all these terrible things.

but deep down,
you really know.
if you hadn't said
"i wish i didn't say hello",
she would still
be alive, and not ill.

if you hadn't been so mean,
she would've been alive
to celebrate her turning eighteen.

Here comes the train.
the train, here is comes.
here comes the train.
hear it?
its getting louder, '
and louder,
and louder,
and louder,
more than ever before.
here comes the train.
i'm sure you hear the train.
it was the horn,
that she heard so well.
it was the horn,
that told her it was nearing.
it was the horn,
that let her know when to step out.
it was the horn,
that blew and sounded; loud and clear.
here comes the train,
the train here it comes.

i'll never let you see
what you've done to me
i'll never let you know
where i'm planning to go
except after i'm gone
you'll all be too late.
to say if i could just have wait.
wait for what?
for me to slice another cut?
then you run, tp say what i have done
for you to feel like you have won.
won the battle between me and my life
with you not even involved
but there i go again
slaying against my wrist is the knife
and sitting there
as i tear
tear off the plastic
uncap the lid
discover whats been hid
a capsule of blue
multiple and brand new
taste the bottle on my lips
not even the razor's nips
could substitute what i will soon endure
a pain free path for sure
but the only way to get there?
step in the puddle of blood
there's no lack of it, it's a flood
a flood of my own
nothing i have ever shown
as the ultimate sacrifice, i just want to say,
maybe there would have been one day
when someone would have finally said
"the things inside your head
are driving insane
and its leading you to a world of pain.
take my hand, and follow my lead
someplace to where you will not need
the use or crave for blades & pills
because my love & caring will end your desire to ****."
but that is all a tale
it is all in my head
that someone will have said
"i will save you."
and now its too late
because i will reach for the razors as my evening date
and later lose my innocence deep into the dark as it is late
my innocence taken by the one and only
multiple swallowed capsules
as i say one last time, "if i wasn't so lonely"
then everyone wouldn't say, 'why?"
and i didnt have to write, "goodbye."

they say

relapse

is a part

of

recovery

but

is it really?

what if

its your body

saying

you

can't

do it.

you

can

do

nothing

but

sit

and watch

as you

hal

lu

cin

ate

places

that seem

so

de

so

late.

when really

you are

clearly

there are

people around

you

but all think

what you need

is a good

shrink.

they say

relapse

is just a part

of

recovery.

or maybe

its really

a reminder

that says

you're

a

nobody.

this

reality

gives

me

insanity.

this

society

gives

me

anxiety.

let it go; its too far gone.
what's it like?
to scream til you strain your throat.
to cry till it hurts so bad you cant even sob.
to cut so much you run out of room.
to bleed so often that you are set into a trance by the red liquid.
to full the aches by downing pill after pill and not knowing which one will end up numbing you so much youre on the brink of death.
to starve and starve and starve and starve, but be disrupted by the conflicted counterpart disorder.
to be hated and not accepted until medicine is introduced to change who you are; to someone that is only liked when medicated.
to wear your memories engraved into your skin.
to watch as one in particular tries to save you, and throw on a smile for their peace of mind.
but know that smile can be a frown in a second, when turned upside down.

Gone.
she smiled.
Gone.
she smiled a lot.
Gone.
but now thats all changed.
she doesnt smile with honesty.
she doesnt laugh with pleasure.
her smile is the same as telling a lie.
and her laugh is the same as feeling pain.
all that she is now,
all that she will ever be
all that she can see is,
Gone.

things are being pulled out of the dark.
things are being uncovered.
maybe i should be confused,
too scared on what to do.
but maybe i already know what i want.
maybe i already know what i want to do,
but all i'm missing is you.
things i've heard and learn
are things that are in my concern.
this isnt something i'd just play.
its something i'd want to stay.
at night i don't bother sleeping.
dawn and daylight just go on creeping.
the things i heard,
every single word;
i questioned and guessed.
leaving all my thoughts
torn and messed.
deep down, i know for sure
thats it's me and not her.
deep down, i can tell
that its you for i fell.
its early, and i dont know it all,
but im just waiting for your call.
if you say no,
i wont be sure where to go,
i wont be sure where to turn
when i know your scars match my burns.
so please say something to me.
all i want to clearly see
is if we could have something
wonderful and free.
all i want to see
is you and me.
reality is harsh and cruel
but search for me and I search for you.
we can finally watch what may be true.
this reality is a curse.
and all i want is nothing worse.
so please find me
stuck by the sea.
and i'll let you in
so we can be certain
all of the things we could do,
and all the things we've been through.
i dont want someone who doesnt know.
someone who i dont have to show,
but only explain and say,
'How and where my demons stay'.
its the space that needs to be cut,
open a door that has always been shut.
open a closed door
and hold my hand
while together we explore.
but only if you find me,
sitting stuck by the sea.
you are something that makes me glad,
in a world that makes me sad.
please tell me all that you think,
that you and i should be linked.
please dont let me go
when i still want to know.
know and see
all and everything
we could be.

mother told me not to be reckless with my heart.
my brother told me not to be foolish with my heart.
my sister told me to not fall for those with deceiving words.
i told myself not to fall for someone with eyes like yours.

but look where we are.
i was reckless;
throwing my heart out to you.
i was foolish;
opening up to let you see all of me.
i fell for your words;
deceiving or not, i still listened.

and here i am.
lying next to you,
with eyes so blue.
i was reckless with my heart,
and you caught it with care.
i was foolish with my heart,
but so were you with what you shared.
i heard all of your words,
all of them so genuine and truthful.
but its your eyes that said,
"i love you. remember that, beautiful."

run fast.
run far.
run past.  
run til you crash.
run til there's pain.
run til it rains.
run away.
run to the sunset.
run into the next day.
run in the dark.
run at night.
dont stop
because of fear and fright.
run til you're lost.
run til you're found.
run til forever.
no matter what,
dont stop running.
never.
just run forever.

today is the last day
of our lives.
clouds are turning to black from grey.
today is the end.
so say goodbye
to all of your friends.
there is no rescue in sight.
all there is left to do,
is run towards the light.
on our last and final moments
what would you say?
what would you confess
on this judgement day?
the end is here.
no more ‘hellos’, i fear.
who would you tell
that you so deeply fell?
fell into such deep love.
but all this time,
never told a single soul.
who would you say
was your one and only
mate from back in the day?
who would you claim
that deserves to be shamed
because of their past
which you assumed
so much so fast?
who should be named as saved
because of actions
so careless, yet brave?
who would you die for
because they have been
through so much more.
who’s hand would you never let go
no matter how much you both
are stretched, ripped and thrown?
who’s name comes to mind
when it’s your time
to leave everything
but your heart behind?
who’s name comes to mind
when you are called to go,
but you certainly know
that your love is watching you
as you walk away so slow.
think of their name,
and never forget it.
this is judgement day,
and you are a perfect fit
in place of taking your loved one away.
its quite simple actually.
instead of your love to leave you,
you will leave and start anew.
you will walk away,
leaving your love at the end of the day.
because you only believe
that this is the way,
you’ll both be happy.
on this heartbreaking judgement day.

strangers.
thats all we were.
destined strangers.
destined to meet.
destined to laugh.
destined to touch.
destined to love.
destined to hurt.
destined to love again.
this was our destiny.
but the funny thing is,
destiny tested us from day one.
the cafe you sit at everyday
is the same cafe i drive by,
everyday.
the 20 story building you walk into everyday
is where i park my car,
everyday.
the days you visit the bookstore,
are the days i'm out for a run.
the days i visit the same bookstore,
are the days you walk your dog.
at 1:45 pm, you come into my bakery everyday.
from 1-2 in the afternoon is my lunch break,
everyday.
on the saturday you went to pick up a tux,
i was in the dressing room,
picking a dress.
friday, 3rd one of june,
was the day
you finally walked my way
and i walked yours.
you dressed in a smooth straight black suit.
and i dressed in lace, ribbon and chiffon.
all in white.
"Beautiful day, isn't it?"
i turned your way
and for the first time,
i met your eyes.
your eyes of caribbean blue.
"Yes, it is."
your smile
so warm and charming.
"i'd better get to my altar,
and i guess you better get to yours",
was the last thing
you ever said to me.
you walked away from my direction,
and i walked away from yours.
that day,
i said "I do",
and so did you.
but not to each other.
45 years past.
2 children.
3 grand children.
3 dogs.
1 divorce.
0 marriages afterwards.
all because of someone.
a man from 45 years ago.
he was my destiny
and i hope he knew too.
strangers are who we were.
strangers are who we are.
strangers are who we will always be.
destined strangers;
who will never see.
destined strangers;
you will just be you.
and i will just be me.
you and i will never
be the destined 'we'.

we said
no strings attached,
but i still
got caught up in that.
we said
it wont mean a thing,
but i still
imagine you and i, just sitting.
sitting side by side,
my smile i try to hide.
your hand comes closer to mine.
i pray for our fingers to intertwine.
but instead,
'i should get going'
is what you said.
the next day,
when you asked me
if i wanted to come over and stay.
stay the entire night with you.
i thought this was a dream come true.
but when i arrived,
your eyes looked deprived
of human touch.
but all i wanted to do
was learn more about you.
i pushed you away,
but you said i should stay
that you would even pay.
i stared, and hatred filled.
in that moment, the earth stilled.
i slapped him so hard, his teeth clattered.
and i ran home crying.
my only thoughts
we're thoughts of dying.
we said
no strings attached,
but i still
got caught up in that.
2 months gone by,
haven't heard
a single word since.
but i still lie
and cry
late at night,
of the troubles i fell into.
of all the troubles i've been through.
and the pretty things said
to make me love you.

there are no people here.
you may hear a whisper
you might even hear a cry.
but my dear,
i so sincerely fear,
there are no people here.
all thats left
are those who
leave all their love behind.
those who moved through
all their emotions in their mind.
dump them on the ground,
throw them in the sound,
make sure their feelings have been drowned.
before all of this torment,
people usually spent
all of their emotions and love
in others like them.
instead of
what they do now.
their souls are now endowed
for the price of not getting hurt
so their emotions were advert
and pushed aside.
and then the devil came to play
and said ‘i can take every single emotion away’.
so he did,
for the price of a soul.
and now everyone
is anything but whole.
they just walk around,
lifeless and dead,
rather than their hands holding their weeping head.
they dont want to feel sad,
they dont want anything but to feel glad.
they dont want to care,
even though they do.
they emotions are what made them square.
now they have nothing left,
due to the devil’s theft.
now my dear,
the time is here.
where i cant stand my emotions no longer.
and im growing more weak,
and less stronger.
the devil has arrived for his pay.
and this is my way,
of saying ‘i should’ve said no’,
when the boy from while ago,
said nothing but,
'i love you.
and i hope you feel the same too.’

tell me
tell me everything.
tell me whatever
your mind brings.

happy or sad,
-say it all-
everything you want, need or had.

all of it matters
say it quickly,
before my world shatters.

quickly,
you and i don't have long.
i have been strong
for much too long.
so i must go,
before i do,
i have to know.

i have to know
what you are thinking.
don't waste time.
my hope is shrinking.

tell me everything.
say it to me now.
before i earn my angel wings.

my time is coming to a close.
and you still never came
even after i was diagnosed.

i waited for your call
to explain it all.
for your voice
to drown out the noise.

but you never called
you never came
you never said.

so now it's too late.
and i am dead.

your words can do so much
they could have been my crutch
as i tried my best
even though
i was so very distressed
to get back up
but the hatred
would not let up.

so i stayed
glued to the ground.
without your loving words,
i already knew i was bound
to earn my angel wings.
i just wish you
could have told me everything.

when i jump,
you dont make me want to die,
you make me want to fly.

you wont believe how terribly lonely i really truly am.
this isn’t real.
this world isn’t real.
none of this is real.
i put it together.
piece by piece.
section by section.
fragment by fragment.
i built it up from nothing.
and look now, it’s everything i’ve got.
without it,
i am pathetic,
i am alone,
i am a disgrace,
i am horrible
i would be dead.
i spend all my time there,
and when i do,
i dont feel alone.
but its not real.
none of it is real.
but for some reason,
all of it,
every bit of it makes me feel
loved,
cherished,
happy,
wanted;
something that no one in reality gives me.
without my other world,
i have just been sitting alone this entire time.
to reality,
that is how alone i have been all this time.
to my other world,
its actually real to me.
the people in my world are more real than those in this world will ever be.

i'd say im sorry, but i'm not.
i'd say i care, but i don't.
i'd say im fine, but that's a lie.
i'd say "i hate this, i want to die", and mean it.
i'd say i'll stop, but it's an addiction.
i'd believe your lies of things getting better, but we both know
i'll be long gone before that happens.
i'll say 'tonight, i will finally do it', but none of you will believe me,
later find out i committed.
guess its too late to make amends for that last mishap.

if we are like a ride at the amusement park
-in for the fun & seems like it would be worth our time-
...i want to get off.

im sick to my stomach.
im not enjoying myself.
everyone is enjoying the ride without me.
my head wont stop hurting.
i cant stop crying out of fear & pain.
i cant take the ups and downs anymore.

all i want to do is get off & walk away.

shut down the park.

its closing time.

you can return anytime you like.

but for me...

im never coming back.

i told you how i felt
but you turned the other cheek.
i was basically rejected
i feel so small, so very weak.

i found the reason why i always keep to myself.
i hate this feeling of pain
of being rejected like im not good enough
this will never happen again.

im tired of letting people in
im tired of being alone
im tired of being rejected and hurt.
this is that feeling; gone.

im not gonna let you in.
im not gonna let you see my tears fall.
im not gonna let you see me hurt.
im not gonna let you bring me down most of all.

i told you how i felt
because i wanted you to know
but apparently you would never feel the same
so i guess its time for me to go.

go ahead and cry.
cry in your bed.
hold a pillow against yourself and cry.
stare at the razor on your pillow.
go ahead and stare.
swear and curse at everyone who's done you wrong.
cry for everyone who's done you wrong.
hold the razor between your fingers.
cry as you hold the razor between your fingers.
scratch the surface of your skin with the sliver of metal.
bleed over the pillow and create a puddle.
go ahead and bleed.
cry for the blood you spill.
bleed for everyone who's done you wrong.
go ahead.
cry. stare. bleed.
repeat. go ahead. stay there and lie very still.
feel the bed shift.
feel an arm wrap around your shaking self.
see a hand take the razor blade out of your own.
see the razor blade and the arm disappear out of sight.
see the arm curl back around you once again.
the kisses on your face and neck.
the voice of reassurance.
"dont worry, babe. im not going anywhere. f* everyone else. im never leaving you behind. i love you."

i love you too.

too bad i couldn't tell if that was the voice of reality's angel of my mind's devil.

lock the door.

ignore the pounding on the other side.

block them out shouting your name.

you know they dont really care.

if they did, they wouldnt have let it go on this long.

keep the door locked.

never let it open again.

with you alive inside.

all i want to do is sleep.
just for one night.
to sleep tight,
sleep soundly in my bed
with no thoughts
running rampid in my head.
i just want to sleep.
I wish i could
lay my head down
with dreams that are good.
not dreams that turn
into nightmares
and into my head they burn.
waking up me at midnight,
i wish i could fight
for the sleep i lack.
to sleep softly
in the deep dark black.
things get better
after a good night’s sleep.
i wrote in my last and final letter,
about all the nights i never slept
staying awake,
just sitting there and wept.

it wasn’t long ago
that i let my
sensitivity show.
saturday,
was filled with dismay.
i broke down
and crashed
straight into the ground.
i thought about angels
in their heaven,
so i gave myself
chances up to eleven.
eleven chances to
slip away to heaven.
but thats recovery for you.
get up eight times,
fall down nine.
on the ground,
i’m picking myself up.
and as i do,
i see what i’ve been through.
i see my fresh cuts
and see how beautiful and red
they look.
i love how much they bled.
and i’m scared
so very scared.
i’m scared,
and i’m alone,
even though
i see how much i’ve grown,
but i’m still frightened
by how much
my love has been heightened
by the razor in my hands
and how much
i can withstand
the sting of the blade.
and i remember
how no one is at my aid.
i want to recover.
i want to feel happy
with others.
but what if i slip and fall
back into the life
where i fell in love
with the knife.
i’m so scared
and no one is there for me
to say ‘i feel so despaired.’
goodnight to you.
goodnight to them.
goodnight to us.
goodnight to all.
tonight
another angel,
her wings have been found
and is now heaven bound.

hold my hand,
and i'll hold yours.
listen to all
of the doors
as they close
and never open for us again
they dont understand
why i hold your hand.
not just because i love you
but because
there are so few
that truly knew
what you've been through.
i hold your fingers
tightly,
while your eyes linger
above me.
you watch as i admire
you dont realize
your look; i'd never tire.
but there is one thing.
and one thing only.
you see the beauty in me,
while i see the beauty in you.
but you still arent happy.
you still cant see
how beautiful you are
to me.
perfect eyes of blue.
even the way you chew.
your smile so bright.
the way squirrels
give you a fright.
your early morning hair.
the way you
are so unaware
of the way you hum
when you strum
your guitar.
what a musician you've become.
your one bright green bow tie.
and how you hate goodbyes.
your arms,
so gentle & inviting
are things i think about
when i'm writing.
so if i cant find the beauty in you,
why cant you do the same too?
i want you to heal.
i want you to recover.
i want just you and me
to discover the beauty in each other.
when you cry and say you want to die,
i dont scream,
i dont panic,
i hold you close
and tell you i love you
the most.
i say, "you are more beautiful
then you know.
so please,please, dont go."
a kiss goodnight
that promises
both he and i
will see the morning light.

babe, you are like a nightmare.
you're always there.
you always give me a thrill
you always wander in my dreams
you set my world on fire
you remind me that reality is frightening.
you tell me things that no one else will say.
you never let me forget there is good and bad in this world.
you keep me up, but in the very best ways.
i always dream of you when i sleep.
youre sure to keep me guessing
babe, you are my nightmare
thank god i'm in love with the darker side of life.

you can be the horizon, and i'll be the sunset.
you can be the ocean, and i'll be the sailboat.
you can be the trophy, and i'll be the first place winner.
you can be the road, and i'll be the skateboard.
you can be the earth, and i'll be the humanity.
you can be the cause, and i'll be the demonstration.
you can be the sunlight, and i'll be the flowers.
you can be the amazon, and i'll be the explorer.
you can be the faith, and i'll be the believer.
you can be the sleep, and i'll be the dreams.
because wherever you go, i'll always be
sitting next to you, you'll always see me.

it's a rush
a waterfall
a downpour
a high
a trance
a state
a flood
a thunderstorm
a tsunami
a crashing wave
a shot of etquila
a head on collision
an epiphany
an overflow
a push
a flow of dopamine
a surge of adrenaline
a stream of serotonin
a swell
an outpour
a cascade
a discharge
a force
an avalanche
a rapid
a torrent
a fountain
a current
a deluge
an inundation
a niagara.
its all of these things.
to make one feel
the sensation of what
feels like kssing
-but what is not lips-
against my skin.
the sensation of what
it's luring edge
gives off.
it's all of these things,
that i have horrifically grown to love.

its the kiss of death.

is what you want to ask me.
i cut for my mother who hurt me.
i cut for my father who hit me.
i cut for the boy who called me fat.
i cut for the boys who laughed at my wrist.
i cut for the girl who left me behind.
i cut for the girl who twisted my words.
i cut for the mentors who brought me back down.
i cut for myself who never found the courage within me.
but the reason i hate you as much as i do
is because i cut for you.
before and after.
before, as in the time were then.
after, as in the time we are now.
before and after,
since you were the one who set my demons free.
you were the one who let them out of their cage,
and let them road around within me.
and you stood back,
and watched,
and admired,
and smiled,
and saw
me suffer
from what you have done to me.

i stay up at night
wondering what its like
to fall asleep soundly
and with ease.
to not be kept up
by the daily regrets,
by the incessant questions,
by the ongoing chatter
that is turned on loud
in my head.
there is ruckus,
there is commotion,
there is bedlam
and even a rebellion.
riot, turbulence, uproar, uprising etc.
but cant you see
that all of this is going on in
the battle grounds of my mind.
and all at the late hours of the night.
sleep is not an option,
sleep is never an option.
not for an insomniac like me.
sleep with an insomniac,
see how it feels to watch them
suffer nights on end.
unable to escape the daytime demons,
because they are releasing
the night time one's as well.
my name is maxx
and i am an insomniac.

there's a stinging.
a stringing sensation on my skin.
i can feel the pins
little pins knocking against my skin.
the skin that covers my arm.
not just any arm,
but the arm that i always harm.
my left harmed arm.
my left harmed arm is feeling pins in my skin
there is that urge
the urge is back
knocking against my skin
my blade is here.
tonight,
i have no fears.
should i respond to the knocking pins
on my skins?
or should i fight
to ignore
and pretend to enjoy my night.
fight or flight.
fight; shy away from the urge to cut.
flight; run to the razor and let sanity slip.
fight or flight.
flight or fight.
sometime tonight,
to fight or flight.
to live or die.
sometime tonight.

his name i won't say to you
but that doesnt mean
his name would be forgotten by few.

the way we danced
the way we smiled
the way he glanced
at no one else but me.

remember when i said
my last kiss was the first?
excuse me, but i secretly misled
you to believe something else.

yes, 8th grade kisses came first,
but the ones that followed
were kisses that were cursed.

i suppressed the memory so well
that i almost forgot about it
until you led me back to that hell.

now believe me that this is true
dr. camille says its long overdue
to confront this suppressed memory
and face the fact
the thing that made me crack.

so break out the tisses
and prepare to read about my scarring issues.

we danced
and i felt entranced
your smile so uplifting and exciting
i couldnt hold back laughter that i was fighting.

we kissed,
and i remember it feeling like sparks.
as of now, i can't believe i made such remarks.
the more sadness i tried to erase

weaving up the stairs
i thought that nothing in this world
could ever compare.

a room that was open and bare,
i honestly could swear,
that my head was shrieking 'no'
but your smile kept on shining 'hello'

i'd rather not go into detail
of what emotions prevailed
that night,
but i would like to share
what felt wrong, and what felt right.

it felt wrong that he pushed for it.
it felt right that i said i'd rather quit
it felt wrong that he ignored my pleas.
it felt right that i was trying to shut my knees.
it felt wrong that he roughly tried to open them.
it felt right i would persistently condemn him

sooner than i thought, sooner than i would expect,
sooner than i would imagine,
i was a potential victim of ****
i knew i had to escape.
his threats and shouts and cursing and strength
could have done more damage considering his height and length.

tears and fear.
fears and tears.
screaming and shouting.
shouting and screaming.

finally did oliver and nate
use my screaming as bait
and bust down the door.
as they led me outside,
i heard his voice shout behind me, "you * *****."

that night
made my face and hands and blood
turn white,
especially when i had to remember the pain
and all of the things that were incredibly inhumane.

not until two days ago,
did i summon the will
to write this truth, although
i couldnt stop crying and hiding and feeling chills
racing up and down my spine.
dr. camille said that therapy would reassign
my past memories and horror and malign
but never again would innocence,
could i honestly say, would be mine.

dont believe me?
dont believe that this memory of my life is trye?
well ***** you.
but in all honesty,
it really happened.
and i do all that i can
to forget about where parts of my horror began

still dont believe it was real?
well, heres the deal.
why dont you ask
for yourself
what really went on.

the other patients will cry
when asked to reply
about my mishap.

or maybe dr. camille or thatcher or hammond
each will make you see
what i said occurred
actually happened to me.

if their professional words
dont fall into your defenses,
why not go to the man himself.
you standing on the offenses,
with him full of pretenses
acting like he was the best there ever was.
but let me caution you,
that's all he ever does.

lure in girls, like me.
lead them in and before i know it,
i'm struggling to flee.

so if you dont want to understand
theres nothing else i can do
to help you expand
your minimized thoughts and mind.
but beware, when you fall to traps like his,
your soul will be so scattered, you won't find.

to those who believe,
i'm thankful,
but i'll never be able to relieve
the memories that have been scorched into my head.
these moments, among others,
are the reasons i'd rather be dead.

the little girl just
could not sleep
because her thoughts
were way too deep
her mind had gone out
for a stroll and fallen
down the rabbit hole. the end.
oh im sorry, you're too late.
the rabbit is gone,
and you're still here.
you are lost,
you are scared,
you are alone.
the rabbit is gone
and so is your mind.
the flowers,
the people,
the animals,
your mind,
theyre playing tricks on you
my dear
this is the wrong rabbit hole.
this will not take you to wonderland.
the rabbit hole will only lead you to
an existence of hell & chaos,
with an on going battle that takes place
in your head.
my dear, you are not in wonderland,
you are in reality.

she was young
she was innocent
she had the world on her shoulders
she saw the world slip right before her
as she fell farther &farther; down
she fell downwards, with nothing to stop her from falling.
so she kept on falling
and falling
and falling
until she could fall no more
and hit the bottom.
she was never found or heard of again.
because poor alice fell down the rabbit hole.
the rabbit hole had no ledges
to catch herself on
so she fell
and fell
and fell
to her death.

i'll never let you see
what you've done to me
i'll never let you know
where i'm planning to go.
except after i'm gone
you'll all be too late
to say if i could just have wait.
wait for what?
for me to slice another cut?
then you to run, to say what i have done.
for you to feel like you have won.
won the battles between me and my life.
with you not even involved.
but there i go again.
slaying against my wrist with the knife.
and sitting there
watch as i tear
tear off the plastic.
upcap the lid.
discover whats been hid.
a capsule of blue.
multiple & brand new.
taste the bottle on my lips.
not even the razor nips
could substitute what i will soon endure.
a pain free path for sure.
but the only way to get there?
step in the puddle of blood.
there's no lack of it, it's a flood.
a flood of my own
nothing i have ever shown.
as the ultimate sacrifice, i just want to say,
maybe there would have been one day.
when someone would have finally said
"the things inside your head
are driving you insane
and it's leading you to a world of pain.
take my hand, follow my lead.
some place to where you will not need
the use or the crave for blades or pills.
because my love & caring will end your desire to ****."
but that is all a tale.
it is all in my head.
that someone will have said,
"i will save you"
and now its too late.
because i will reach for my razor as my evening date.
and later, lose my innocence deep into the dark as it is late.
my innocence taken by the one and only
multiple swallowed capsules.
as if to say one last time, "if i wasn't so lonely."
then everyone wouldn't say "why?"
and i didnt have to write 'goodbye'.

of course i never forgot
i can never forget.
how could anyone not remember the horror i felt.
for nights on end,
i would lie awake,
wondering if it was his fault
or mine
some nights,
i can hear the quiet whispers,
whispering in my ear.
saying that the blame has my name.
written all over.
sometimes i dont believe it.
but sometimes i do.
sometimes i try to block it out,
and when i do,
i cant hear the whispers anymore.
but then someone will trigger the emotions
off within me.
by touching me,
by hurting me,
by forcing me to do things i never wanted to do.
and thats when the whispers are no longer whispers
but merely shouts and screams and rage filled shrieks.
and all i can do,
is listen to the voices.
say over and over again.
"the blame has your name
written all over."

beating, slapping, punching, crying
fight for your life.
hurting, screaming, breaking, trying.
fight for you life.

hold tightly,
grip the knife.
hold it against your skin
press down
slice it very thin

once, twice?
that doesn't pay the price.
three, four?
theres still room for more.

five, ***, seven.
don't stop till you see heaven.
eight, nine?
can you say you feel fine?
what about ten?
dont stop now my dear.
try one more & see how you feel then.
eleven, eleven is perfect, eleven.
all of those slashes
are what you brought to heaven.

eleven.

her heart stopped that wednesday morning.
and that was the only time
people every told her
they loved her,
and missed her,
and needed her.
and maybe if they would have told her that
when she was alive and needed it
then she would still be here.

you dont understand
you just dont see
you cant hear
the things that are eating me

they are not just sounds
they add weight to my thoughts
adding pounds and pounds.

voices, ones that aren't my own.
some scream, some cry, some beg.
my pleads and claims are not condoned
some claw, some bleed, some shred up the walls.
i scream, and scream and scream, but no one answers my calls.

my screams are mistaken for insanity.
but what you dont know
is that in my head, there is calamity.

storm, thunder, lightning, rain.
i scratch my skin
until my blood leaves a stain.

mother, mommy, mama, dearest.
im sorry about the red puddle on the white rug.
the sharp shiny silver metal was the nearest.
the voice that screams told me to do it.
and the only way to stop its mental hits,
is to please and do what it says.

tap, tap, tap
it starts so softly.
knock, knock, knock
so soothing it sounds.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
the rhythm is flowing.
BANGBANGBANGKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKCRASHSMASHBURNUPTURNRIPSHREDDEADREDRE­DRED

but then you remember
its all in your head.

wake up in the night
shivering, sweating, cold, with fright.
oh dear,
are the nightmares already here?

spent all of last may
incarcerated on a hospital floor.
trying to keep the demons at bay.

back in the ward,
dressed in faded lime green suits
we were forcibly pushed toward
the view of recovery.

stuffed with pills,
1 shade of red,
3 shades of blue
1 in the shape of an oval
and a cup of water, which led to remind me of you.

the sun never set, so it seemed.
all we could see was the sun rays and beams.
clouds pranced and skipped and hopped and played.
we were certain everything would have stayed.

but summer was passing, and so was the sun.
our memories of laughter and joy were anything but fun.
i knew you could begin to see the signs.
they were as clear as thick bold lines.

the very first day
when the first voice in my head came to play,
you thought nothing of it
i believed that you and i would never split.

but then more came,
and they decided to stay
you said it felt like i was changing,
but you weren't sure who to blame.

sadly, the guest list didnt stop there.
soon, i felt as if the voices had control
from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair.

the worse i got,
the more you said you forgot
about our lovely endless days int he sun.
and this is the same day i watched you run.

run, run, quickly, dont stop, just run.
whats done is done,
i think to myself.
sitting on hard plastic chairs,
listening to other people's scares.
listening to them talk
about holding on & fighting.
while i remember how you turned your head and walked.

i want to scream and shout
out of fear and anger.
but my medication takes me on a different route.

on that pathway,
the voices still cloud my thoughts
but at this moment,
i am overwrought
with medication & despair.
i cannot make sudden movements
allowing the rest of the world to be unaware.

the demons, tonight especially,
have come back.
with such a harsh attack.
because the demons, they know that this date
is one i most dreadfully hate.
it is the exact 11 year anniversary
of when you left me.

just like fall out boy says,
thanks for the memories.
but after it all, f* you. why?
oh so many things.
but the biggest one of all.
you know i have mental issues
and that i can't do it on my own.
when i turn to you,
you f** turn me away
and tell me to look for
someone else's
shoulder to cry on.
when i wanted to lean on yours
in the first place.
so,
just like fall out boy says,
thanks for the memories.
but like i always say,
f** you.

how can i smile
when i was only taught
how to cry.

how can i breathe
when i just want to die.

how can i live a life
that terrifies me to,
when there is already
fear
lodged deep into my brain.

how am i supposed to care
when im swinging side to side.
from the tight grasp of rope
around my neck.

how can i laugh
when my screams
are suppressed by the water
invading my lungs.

how can i love
when i have loved before,
but resulted in me
uncapped the bottle
and finding salvation
in capsules of death.

i know this place
it's called home.
everyone here, all their faces
are ones that i'm surrounded by.

here is the place
it feels safe
all those around me,
they know me well.

i go to this place
here - i know its home
i'm not afraid to fall
because someone will
always
be there to catch me.

this place i know,
it's my home.
i have a room there
just for me
people i love are
always
there with & for me.

this is the home i know
take the elevator
9 stories up.
past the clinic
past peds
past radiology
past the ORs
past the ICU
past the daycare
past the ER
past the delivery rooms
all the way to ward B.

this is my home
my home, that i know.
this is where i am.
this is where i go.
because the house
i was raised in
burned down
except the only thing
destroyed was me.

this is my home.
my home, ward B.

i wrote you
a poem
about what we've been through.

about how you
promise and swear
that our love is true.

about how you
wake me up a.m.
and how my faith renews.

about how you
strum your guitar
and swear only shades of blue
come from the sounds
leaking out of your music
and i only sit as my love surrounds.

about how you
wrap & hold me tight
afraid that i might
decide to leave on the next flight.

about how you
will always stick around
to enjoy the view
just as long as i stay
and
about how you
used to pray
every single day
of what we will have
and
about how you
plead we will
never astray.

about how you
speak about us
about how you
say i should trust
when you speak
about our city
apartment.
where we would have leaks
from the pipes
and a fire escape on our balcony.

about how you
will always be
sitting forever
right next to me.

i still want to die.
you still ask why.

i still bleed
you still claim the things we agreed.

i still remember the things you promise.
you pretend as if you don't notice.

i continue to starve & not eat.
i continue to follow your deceit.
i continue to scream.
i still hear you saying i was being extreme.

nothing has changed here.
im still upset as ever, dying in fact.
practically strangling the life out of my year.

when i say goodbye,
you will standby
and wonder where it all went wrong.
and listen to the questions
that will haunt you all life long.

im walking on a ledge, and you're standing behind me
you have two choices:
pull me
or push me.
pull me from the ledge. be the saviour i need from myself
or
push me into the open air and watch me fall to my death.
so which is it?
push or pull?
because all i see from you,
is your gentle hands
taking my shoulders
silently,
carefully,
thoughtfully
shoving me off the ledge.

you always hear
about the bullies at school,
but what about the bullies
at home
and
the ones
in our minds?