I spend a lot of time
Trying to make myself
Smaller
To shrink myself down
So I take up the least space
Possible

I spend a lot of time
Wishing I could
Trim down
Sharpen my soft edges
Harden my shape
I would rather be someone's rock
Strong and safe
Than their pillow
With loose ends and a soft center

It's impossible to allow someone
To trace my softness
When I recoil where their fingers
Graze my skin
I can only imagine what they think
Of my weakness

It's impossible to live in this body
That I feel unsafe in
A fear I'm constantly aware of
Judgment from all angles

It's impossible to escape
I can't hide from this hatred
My being, my mind
Controlling the image of
My self, my body
My mind is sharp but my body is soft
There's no question as to who
Will give in

I am a goddess
I am strong
I am powerful
I will knock the wind out of you
Make you beg for air
I will bring you to your knees
Pray before you enter the chapel
Of my body
I am a palace
And you should consider it an honor
To enter into my halls
I am made of light and fire
Do not forget that I will blaze and burn
I cannot be quenched
I am an untouched treasure
Pure and rare
Do not disgrace me
Or discard me
I am a goddess
And I refuse to be treated
Like anything
Less

i want to be a cardiologist
maybe then i'll understand
why my heart skips
when you graze my skin
and why it splinters
when i hear his name

i want to be an ophthalmologist
maybe then i'll understand
the novel in your eyes
that your lips cannot express
and the daggers in his stare
that burned me as i passed

i want to be pulmonologist
maybe then i'll understand
the way i lose my breath
when you sigh my name into my lips
and the way my lungs shuddered
when his red-rimmed eyes pierced my will

maybe if i learn medicine
ill be able to explain
why i feel the way i do
for you
or ill find a cure for
heartbreak
so i will finally be free
of him

they've said to do what scares you
because that is what helps you
grow
if something is exciting
and terrifying at the
same time
it is probably the
right thing

you terrify me
every time you score your
fingernails across the
small of my back
catch your teeth on the
curve of my neck
press your lips to the
soft spot above my
belly button
you send tremors through my
glass spine
i could so easily shatter
but you mold to me
blurring my edges and lines
into yours

you terrify me
and excite me
so i think that means
we're doing something
right

you looked at me like i was a treasure
and for the first time
i felt golden

You make me think in poetry
The world becomes a rhythm
A cadence
Ticking along to the beat of our
Synchronized hearts
My name is a song
When it comes from your
Tremoring lips
Every silence is full
Of comfortable emptiness
Nothing is ever void
When I'm tangled in you
I'm drunk off your
Presence
My head spins when you
Trace constellations
Across my collarbones
You play me like a piano
Touch my body like keys
And control every
Shaking breath
The world is a wonderful place
But it is poetry when I'm
With you

I wonder
If you kept
My sweatshirt
Or if it was too
Painful to breathe
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Absensce

I wonder
If you burned
My sweatshirt
Like you lit the bridges
Connecting us
Erasing
The perfume of my
Memory
The stench of my
Existence

i have crevices
and cracks
in my weary skin
you widened them
and slipped
beneath
molding to the gaps
in my bleeding heart
like duct tape
that you ripped off
when you tore me
to shreds

i gave you the power
to heal
and to hurt
i gave you an option
you healed me
first
but you mapped my wounds
the places i hurt
most

i am not selfish
i do not live
with the intention
to hurt
so it ruins me
when i do
but you had no guilt
when you targeted
the very wounds
you helped
heal

you spoke with daggers
and bullets
with the intention to
disrepair
you tattooed your hatred
across the back of my
eyelids
embedded your pain in
every *******
nerve

forgetting you is impossible
while my once healed wounds
still throb
but your disgust and
your last words
ring in my ears
and i wish you
wanted to take them
back

I'm haunted by the ghosts of everything I never said

If I am a sinking ship
Then you are a
Hurricane
Swallowing me whole and
Folding me into you

If I am a sunset
Then you are
The night sky
Melting into me and
Taking me over

If I am a poet
Then you are my
Greatest love poem
Your smile inspires sonnets
And your kiss sends tremors
Through my heartstrings

You are my fairy tale
Charging into my life
And rescuing me from
Who I was becoming
Prince Charming has nothing on you

It's easier to fall
Asleep on your
Chest
Than in my own bed

I guess my bed
Never felt as safe
As your arms

How come I never want to do anything fun?
Why do I only tell boring stories?
You're stuck in a routine and it's ******* the life out of you
Or maybe that was just me

But I guess I shouldn't feel sorry for myself
It's not like I haven't heard it all before

Tonight I'll pretend
The wind in the trees
Is the waves on the shore
And you feel the way
You did last night
When we were drunk
Off each other
And twined under covers
I'll pretend that we aren't
Falling apart
And imagine my sheets
Are your skin
Wrapping me with warmth
Lulling me to sleep

I can't bear the thought
Of seeing your face
In my rear view mirror

They say if you love something
To let it go
But they didn't know you

I can't put to words
The magnitude of what
I'm about to lose

I'm writing snippets of bad poetry
And missing you already
You've fried my mind and
You don't even know it

I don't know how to love you
I can't love
The man who fixed me
The same way I loved
The man who broke me
But you fill the spaces I have
You mold to me
And you've molded
Parts of me
You left your fingerprints
On my heart
And your scent leaves my brain
In a haze
You and I
Are not perfect people
But we complement each other
And your hold on me
Is stronger than I ever
Anticipated
I love my ******* best friend
Because you're mine
I don't know how to love you
The way you
Deserve

If you look up "love"
In the dictionary
There shouldn't be
A definition
"Love" cannot be confined
By a sentence
Or a phrase
If you ask me
What I think "love" is
I could not answer
In words

All I know is
When you look at me
With those *******
Ocean eyes
And grin at me
With the smile that
Stops my world,
I feel the pressure of my heart
Compressing
And expanding
Simultaneously

I can't tell you
How I know I'm in love
I can only love you
And hope that it's
Enough

Your kisses are like crack
And baby I'm
Addicted
The touch of your lips
Sends my heart into
Dangerous palpitations
The world disappears
When you whisper
Your poisonous love
Into my skin
Saying goodbye has never
Been so
Impossible
These withdrawals
Might be the death
Of me
But it's worth it
Ask me to pick my
Poison
I'll pick you every time

I have been perpetually
Exhausted
But sleep only comes
Easy
When I'm in your arms

The backseat of
His car smells
Like bonfire
And whiskey
And him
He trailed his
Sleepy fingers
Down my spine
And split me open
For him
I knew I was doomed
When he told me
He believed in me
Because I was worth
Believing in

Big city life calls
To me
The anonymity of
Fast-paced
Anxiety
Forms an intricate
Anthole world
Tiny creatures constantly
Moving
Scurrying
Hurrying
Each tangled in their own
Complicated web
Connected in some
Way to everyone
Else

The lights call my name
Wait for me

I have two months
And seventeen days
Until our every day
Conversations
End

And it *****
Going even one night
Without hearing
From you

I am a horrible liar
I am not good at
Pretending
So I don't know how long
I can keep up this
Act

I don't know how to tell you to be gentle
My skin might dissolve under your touch like the way
Your eyes melt my
Insides
And my knees might crumple
When I see your smile
And I'll curl up into the
Curve of your dimples
When you breathe your name
Into my trembling lips
And I'm fragile
So I need you to be
gentle

Kiss me like you need me
Like you're drowning
And my lips are the last
Breath of air

Kiss me like you missed me
Like you're clutching at
Strings and I'm a
Violin

Kiss me like it's our last
Like you're running down
The sands of time and
Slipping through the cracks

Kiss me with passion
Like you mean it
Put everything you could never say
Into your sigh
Don't let go

You passed me in
The stairwell
Yesterday
I came around the corner and
There you were
Trudging up the steps
With the weight of your
Disdain heavy
In your eyes
As they met mine
With a pitiful smile

You brushed my arm in
The stairwell
And I wanted nothing more
Than to run and never stop
To curl up in the dark
Into myself
So I could never
Hurt you
Again

There is so much I want to tell you,
But you do not
Know me yet so I think
It would scare you
Away

You made jokes about my
Goth phase in eighth grade
And you had no idea how
Close to home you
Were
All I wanted to tell you was
How the only reason my arms
Are clean
Is because I couldn't find
Something sharp enough

You asked about my best friend
And reminded me of all
The hurt that I make it easy
To feel
I am the easiest person to destroy
Because no one feels
A thing
And I feel everything

I wanted to tell you about the book
I read but
I know you don't like reading
And I didn't want you to see how
Vulnerable
I was when I read the letters
And the confession
And almost lost my
Mind

I can't keep it together
And I wish you were someone
I could tell but you
Don't know me
Yet
And all I'm good at is
Changing people's minds

We aren't alone. We can't be.
And the answer to the question of whether or not we are alone is both fascinating and absolutely terrifying.
We have no way of knowing.
It's entirely possible that we are alone. It's entirely possible that we're not.
But then how did we get so lucky? Why are conditions just so exactly perfect that we exist in this world in this time in this form?
Is that a coincidence?
Can that be controlled?
And then the universe itself is a whole different question.
If it is truly unbounded and infinite, and we are a part of that, we are essentially zero. We don't exist. Our existence means nothing to the universe.
And if the universe is bounded and finite, what exists past the boundaries?
What else is out there?
Will we ever really know?

I am not a psychotherapist
But sometimes I think I'm just
******
And I give out therapies
Like I gave him too many tears

I ask all the questions
That no one wants to answer
In hopes that the truth will smack them
Open their eyes wide
Like it did mine

I listen to their answers
Testimonies of their pathetic attempts
To convince themselves of happiness
No one changes unless they want to
And quite frankly
Sometimes it feels good to hate and hurt
To convince ourselves that we're different when really
We're all the same

Tell me why you want to die
And I'll tell you not to
But this circle ends and begins with
You
I cannot save you
I can lend out a hand to your drowning soul
But you must decide to help yourself
And take it

I am not a psychotherapist
But I am a ****** therapist
I'll tell you to save yourself
While I number my days

It hurts
To breathe too deeply
Maybe it would be easier
To not breathe
At all

He is not mine
And I am not his
All you wanted was to have me
But I refuse to belong
To anyone but myself

I've been living in an expectation
I am a series of checked boxes
Containing everything
I used to be

I've been living in the shadow of my past
In words and vows I made
Once upon a time

I've been changing
Who I used to be exists only
In the memories of those clinging
To their pasts

I've been growing up
Exploring the world as I never have before
Challenging my fears and testing my limits
Living for myself
Instead of for those
Who mold me into the expectation
Of everything I
Used to be

***** is my drug of choice
It's like an oxymoron
Burning as it soothes the senses
But tonight I took a voyage
With thieves and pirates and scoundrels
There was no burn
In my chest
Until the captain
Kissed my lips
And sent me overboard

My head kept spinning
Long after you kissed me
And I don't think it had anything to do
With the poison in my
Blood

On our first date
At the movie theater
You told me your hands were cold
So I would hold them
And keep them warm

Now my hands are cold
And your presence lingers
In a scent
On my sweatshirt

Someone once asked me
To describe how it felt
To be in love

And I found myself describing
How it felt to be
With you

I am a writer and a romantic
Late at night my thoughts
Start to sound poetic

The curve of your spine
Molds to mine
And becomes my cocoon

The sound of your voice
Gritty and **** in the dark
Becomes my melody
Calming my eager heart

The ridges in your fingerprints
Become tattooed on my bones
And my muscles respond
At their recognition

Your breath warm on my neck
Sending little icicles
Through my nervous system
That warm my fingers and toes

Lay with me in the dark
Speak to me in words
And I will read you
In poetry

I have been raised in a church
To believe that love between
Two people
A man and a woman
Is sacred
They taught me
Only people who love each other
Can have ***
I have grown up
Believing in futures and eternal love
And the idea that the man
Who holds me in his arms
And takes my innocence
Will be the one
Who holds my child
With the same tenderness

I do not believe
In promises of forever
The man who steals
What I've protected
For so long
Will never meet my children
It's time to wake up
And step outside these sacred walls
I cannot hide
Under the blanket of ignorance
Anymore

The steam on the windows
Conceals us from the world
As we sit beside each other
Laughing in our underwear
Discovering secrets
In whispers and caresses
Stolen kisses
And trailing fingers
Lingering glances
And quiet giggles
Exploring each other
Uncharted surfaces
Become familiar
As we learn the parts of us
That fit together
Like puzzle pieces

The harshness of this winter
Has taken a hold on me
The cold has seeped it's way
Into my blood
And wrapped it's
Delicate fingers around
My bleeding heart
The frost traces
Intricate patterns
Across my worn skin
And freezes in tiny crystals
In my hair and eyelashes
My eyes know no warmth
They pierce with the chill
Of arctic winds
Ensnaring unsuspecting passerby
In a caressing grip
The flame has gone out of me
Replaced by sheer ice
My frostbitten heart
Pumps only icicles
Slicing through my body
Building up walls
Made of crystal

I crave
Open spaces
Endless skies
The freedom of
Emptiness

I want to climb
To the tops of mountains
Lose my breath
To the clouds
And the morning sky

I could float in the sea
On a single boat
And lose my mind
To the coldness
Of the stars

Let me explore the spaces
Of the Earth
And fill the emptiness
With my energy
I want to spread my soul
To the corners
Of the world
I want to
Escape

I am alone
But I have never felt
So alive

I am no longer bound
By guilt and insecurity
These voices in my head
Are on my side again
The people surrounding me
Support me
And see the light within
My darkness

I never have to be anything
More or less
Than everything I want to be
I owe it to myself
To open the doors
And let my potential go

Their eyes follow me
Their whispers hit my back
Like the dagger you
Split me with
Everyone knows
That I am not fine
And I am lying
When I act like it
Their looks of pity
Burn in my stomach
And behind my eyes

I do not need pity
I am not weak
I will do whatever it takes
To become myself again
To stand up for myself
I will not bow

I've lost my appetite recently
Nothing seems to
Quite satisfy me
Anymore
I mistake hunger pains
For crippling stabs
Of devastation
This emptiness
Swallows me whole
My hollowed body
Rejects any attempt
At nourishment
So I suppose ill simply
Waste away

You are the kind of person
Who craves
Adrenaline
The rush of finding
Something new
The hunger in chasing
What you want

I am not new
I am a comfort
A familiarity
A constant
Nothing new
No adrenaline
Like an old book
Or an old shoe
That always seems to fit

I do not want to be an old shoe
I bore you
And I'm no rush
You don't have to chase
What has always been
So easy

I don't have anything
To excite you with
You don't have fun
Flirting with me
I can't help but wonder
If it's me you want to love again
Or the idea of me

I wear my emotions
On my sleeve
Like a badge
Or a brand

My poker face
Is all too easy
To read
I've never been a fan
Of gambling

You can read me
Like the pages of a book
My sad story
Splattered across the pages

I can't hide
From how I feel
But my fears
And my thoughts
Should not control me
The way you do

I sometimes wonder
If I have ever given someone
Butterflies

If they tingle inside
When I smile
And shyly tuck my hair
Behind my ear

If they melt a little
When I laugh at their jokes
And fire one back at them

If their stomach
Twists in knots
When I listen to them
Like they're the only thing
That matters

I wonder
If I have ever driven someone crazy
With every little thing
I do
Maybe I will
Someday

I have enough
Of my own conflict
And frustrating feelings
Flooding my brain
And seeping into my
Thoughts

I cannot please everyone
I won't even bother trying
I will not waste my time
Groveling at your feet
Begging for forgiveness
When I have done
No harm

I make mistakes
Because I'm human
But I will not apologize
For who I am

Play me like a
Marionette
Tighten your hold
On the strings of
My emotions
And control my motion
With the flick
Of a finger

I am growing weary
Of this puppet show
It's been too long
Since I told my own limbs
How to move
Cut the chords
And watch me dance
On my own

If there was one thing
You could change about me
You would make me
Less insecure

But the reason
I see myself
This way
Is because I have never felt
Like something worth
Treasuring

Break me in two
Breathe your cursed name
Into my lungs
Pump my heart
Full of your toxic
Presence
Twist my arm
Behind my back
And pour your
Manipulation
Down my spine

Leave me on the floor
This is just another
Love poem