"Just breathing is exhausting" she muttered it under her breath, but I heard it. I can't say I was surprised, I would've heard those words regardless, she had them written on her face and all throughout her body. The way her bones cracked when she stood up, the way the whites of her eyes had been swapped out and tinged by a glazed over yellow. She moved like each finger lifted, each muscle contraction was oh so intricately planned but oh so poorly executed. All the color of her face was drained to an empty hollow grey. Nothing in her life had gone right. I couldn't blame her for pulling the trigger, I still can't, but I'll never stop blaming myself for teaching her how to hold the gun.

Keep striving
work your *** off to be unhappy
be incomplete
hate yourself
hate your fellow man
hate the walls you surround yourself with
the people on your day to day commute
the people that smile at you
the people that frown forever
**** them
break things
hearts, promises, faces
get ******
be honest
especially if it'll hurt
be erratic
but no matter what you try to do
don't you dare try to be happy
nobody writes about happiness

I grew up in a house full of tension
and bad words meant in the sincerest of ways
the kinds of words that leave bruises
worse than a fist
and cuts
deeper than a butchers knife
the tension you could wrap up in a blanket and take to bed at night
those cold feelings that grew to be so familiar that you welcomed them with open arms
not because you wanted them or even enjoyed those emotions
but because they were all you had ever known
and when you take away the only constant in your life
no matter how much you despised it
you're still left with nothing

I can tell you that you're beautiful.
I can tell you you make me feel complete.
I can tell you that you make every dysfunctional piece of my life & myself make sense.
I can tell you that I love you.
But I'll grow old & tired & weary, & I'll forget,
so will you.
I'll forget how you looked in my eyes.
I'll forget how you pulled me back together.
I'll forget how you brought order to a confusing world.
I'll forget just how you made me feel.
Time will pass & these will be nothing but empty words & jaded memories, & neither one will be worth a **** to either one of us.

I know you
and you know me
we've been here before
yet nothing has changed
neither one of us knows what to do
neither one of us knows where to go
so we wander
we drift apart
we fade in and out
and we go back and forth
that's how it is
and unfortunately
that's more than likely
how we'll stay

Can we take a night off?
Can we forget that I didn't pay the bills on time?
that I burnt dinner last night
that the laundry's not done
that the dishes are *****
that the toilet's stuffed up
that the roof is leaking
that we can't afford hot water
that the mirrors are *****
that I'm always running late
that I always forget what I'm saying midsentence
can we forget the fighting
and can we remember
just for tonight
that we love each other?

It's hard to write about what I'm feeling inside
when I'm not sure what that is myself most of the time.
I never like to talk about myself
about how I feel
about what I'm thinking
so I don't.
I'll avoid questions
I'll change topics
I'll prematurely end conversations
and I'll shut people out.
I've done this so often that I think
I somehow got lost in the shuffle.
I've put up walls I don't even think I can climb.
You ask me how I'm feeling & I don't know.
You ask me what I'm thinking & I don't know.
Somewhere along the way I forgot the combination
and now I'm locked out like everyone else.