Relationships are worse than heights-
not even just the romantic kind,
being close with friends is impossible
I keep myself further away than arm's length
miles away
behind sarcasm and jokes
I have no feelings
just humor and abundant kindness.
Alcohol is grand
you don't think
just drink
and everything drains away
and people become less than people
mere ants
who want to care about you and your thoughts
but even then
I don't want their positive regard
I want to make myself invisible
no worries
I'm fine
I will bleed to death here, alone
I don't want to get your hands sticky
I'm fine I promise.
How are you?
Yeah, i just had a line or two
but really I'm cool
my nose bleeds all the time;
those cuts are from my cat;
I wasn't throwing up I just felt a little sick,
I had a huge breakfast
as my stomach rumbles.
I don't want your help
I can be strong
really
I can be miserable without anyone else,
they would only pity
or be disgusted
and really
that would make me crazier than anything.

Cigarettes have more than smells
feelings, really
make one's head fill up, get bigger
remember
that day, when you came home from ballet
you were 6 and one half and 4 days
and your daddy was smoking a cigarette,
told you what a pretty little lady you were
a small woman
but you weren't
you weren't a woman
just a little girl
wanted to be a ballerina
but daddy wanted you to be an adult,
gave no choice
you can forget the car,
the moments the sounds
the feelings of fear and pain
but that smell,
the sickening breath of smoke
the head full of it and screams
a sweet little reminder.

The age-old rhetorical question:
bask in hedonism or preserve innocense?
Shamelessly flirt
and makeout with hotties on the beach
or stay quiet and "moral,"
which is really code for "I'm afraid?"
Is a kiss with a stranger
really a kiss?
Or merely brushing lips against other lips,
maybe accidently,
gently,
couldn't be any harm, right?
Or would my first kiss with a stranger who holds no relevence to my life
be a life-long regret?
Would not cutting loose and being "loose" be a regret too?
So uptight
my hair is forever permed,
let it down and lank
will I still be me?
Would I still have self-respect?
Would others respect me?
Urges are strong
but will they ruin everything?

Theoretically
(not)
life will be changing more than I have ever previously known.
Home will be more relative
family depending on the location,
friends going far away and being introduced
dear God I'm scared
I'm scared of the distance
of the difference
just keep things the same
please?
Can't we just keep with the now
and never tell people good bye?
It's too painful
too unknown
what if you never see them again?
What if too much is never revealed?
Give me more time please
or just speed it up
stop with the ambiguity time!
I don't play well with new people
let's just keep the same ones!

Admitted affection
or fear of rejection,
accepted attention from sweet souls
or incite admiration from attractive ones
Skinny-dipped, touched lips
with anyone
or even hold their hand,
been free
or properly controlled myself when necessary,
only potentially destructive
but without the nerve to do so,
never fully accepting though the concept makes sense,
I read a book or two on the topic,
the practice much less tangible,
maybe only for the few who have the guts to try,
not for those who sit and wait for confidence to make a move
to play Russian Roulette with another
I never owned a gun but still shot myself in the foot
same place, again and again
just stuff myself with food and alcohol
numbness better than reality
right?
Not quite
I exist to try to live though it's so simple it's a mockery to attempt to apply words to the concept
stand up stand proud sing
be the type of person you admire
never have I ever
felt quite fulfilled
though maybe such things are mirages,
messages to be pretty but never found or acheived,
never have I ever
believed in my self.

Dahling you tease
you can't possibly be so innocent,
can you?
Those green eyes and lavish locks
oh girl you must have a closet full of rotting corpses,
wrought iron skeletons,
but no?
You don't put out?
You don't go down on the first date?
You don't even kiss?
Well little lady
I don't know whether to pity or help you
and your clean little ******
I bet their white, right?
You say you are only waiting,
only respecting yourself,
or are you afraid?
Too perfect to make a mistake with the wrong boy,
get a bad grade,
a blemish for not removing make up at night
let alone spend one with a male,
all sweaty and attractive, he probably has a tattoo
never been to church in years
but that turns you on right?
Maybe you should loosen up your chastity belt a bit
let the blood flow between your legs
let the possibilities of torrential disaster enter and intrigue,
but you can't do that
can you
control freak?
Can't be happy
only antiseptic and old
counting down the days until retirement
so you can look back and say
**** I never knew fun.

Lordy it's a pretty day though
humidity may ruin the glue
must use less water or else
the whole contraption will fall apart-
balloons pop wire melts
oh no Machu Picchu is ruined
just a globby mess of beer bottles and pizza boxes
how can I describe
how you look like a less attractive Jason Segel
and not even nearly as cool
still pretty smart though
but something tells my brain
there are plenty more even better
maybe a male model with a heart of platinum-
or chocolate!
what a perfect man
eat your heart out.