I don’t know what to say anymore
Perhaps I’m doomed to solitude
Perhaps there is a lesson I must learn
Alone
Before I’m allowed to be in love
I am like the paper
Thrown to burn in the big fire
While most embers catch flame and fly away
Together
I singe on the bottom
Until I burn into
Nothing.

Here I am again
Sitting at work on the bathroom floor
Wiping black tears from my face
This has happened before
All because of a story about
Someone else’s good day

I don’t want to get into details
Because when I think about it
I can’t stop
Let’s just say the movies
Don’t prepare you to be
Constantly pushed around
Until you confuse love for
Sleepless nights and grayness

I’m my own worst enemy
I can talk myself out of almost anything
Who would love a girl who’s afraid to feel?
It just seems like I get punished
Every time I give up
Anything beneath the surface
I don’t want to give anyone a chance
To be unimpressed

I dream of my pain being
Endearing
And for someone to sweep me off my feet
Like in a movie
I didn’t think that it could ever happen
And then despite my wrongs
You knew just what to say
For me to want to open the door to my cave

Because I don't want to be my own enemy
I want to take chances without even thinking
I want to love and to feel everything
To share what's beneath the surface and
To have it be worth it
I won't be scared of someone being unimpressed
Because you are impressed
I'll do my best
To keep my head
Out of the way of
What's coming next

I run to be
only with myself
to help me
I run and wash away my surroundings
with music, and thought
I run and imagine
myself
with two inches between my thighs,
with ribs on my chest,
and hip bones showing
perfectly symmetrical
I keep running
I imagine running
far enough
that the undesirable pieces of me fall to the ground
I run and hope
it will be an instant change
I keep running
and running
I run and wonder
if he will drive by
I run and wonder
if he'll wave
I run and wonder
if I will wave
I keep running
and running
and running
I run and hope
no one is home when I get there
I keep running
and running
faster
I run and want
to be irresistible
unstoppable
I run and try to focus
I keep running
and running
and running
faster
and faster
and faster
until I think, "is this actually helping me?"
I don't care
I keep running
alone with my dangerous thoughts
I keep running

We are about to leave together
Just to run a quick errand
Don't you remember what we did the last time we were here?
It feels so weird not to talk about it as I relive those times in my head...
You're telling a story...
Do you not remember what we did the last time we were here?
We come back, giggly
People wonder where we went
"To get food," you say
I know they remember
Do you remember what we had done the last time we were here?
My phone goes off, a text from you
It's different than before, you ask me how I feel...
All I want to ask is
Do you remember what we did the last time we were here?
If so, you're better at hiding it than I am
Which is totally fine
But then you go in for a hug
and it completely blows my mind
Why are you doing this?
Before one touch was never just one touch!
Don't you remember?!
We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves,
You must remember!
Woah,
Do not look
into

my


eyes

I melt, because you do remember.
I saw just there, in your face
You remember what we did the last time we were here

I was early for work again, and it happened out of no where
They handed me that CD
So confident, without a care

Next thing I knew we were chatting online
We sat and talked in the Wendy's parking lot
For an extremely long time

When you talked about the music
You got this amazing, glowing smile
I couldn't help but kiss it, this time nothing too explicit

Now on to the next chapter
And thought the first was peculiar
Nothing would prepare me for what was coming after

We had an undeniable, powerful chemistry
I felt so comfortable and safe
Enough to bring me to my knees

We continued with nothing more than fireworks
Until love found you and
I could see you were so truly happy with her

Our adventures are continuing on
But with a sudden change in themes
I just wonder what my life would be like
If Chris and Johnny never handed me that CD

I used to be so ready
To go anywhere in this stupid town
And maybe
See you
I was prepared to pretend I didn’t
See you
I was prepared to look away
I was prepared and unafraid
But today I stood outside the entrance to the grocery store
My hands were shaking
My heart was racing
I was anything but prepared to
See you
My biggest fear was that I would
See you
And you would know you were in my dream last night

I wanna hit traffic
But I don't wanna be patient
I want it all
But then I want just a little bit
Just keep me guessing
Even though I'm complaining
I still  kind of wanna jump your bones

Dear someone
I hear that you have to be out there
Will you want to help me?
Will you try to fix me?
Will you hold my hand and rub my hair?

Dear someone
Don’t ruin me
Dear someone
No matter what I say
Don’t leave me be

Dear someone
If you’re out there
Please understand
That I’ve been lonely for so long
I don’t know what it means for someone to care

Dear someone
It takes a lot for me to give my trust
Dear someone
Don’t lose faith in me
I’ll keep believing in us

All the time people say
being alone and being lonely
are two different things
I used to believe
but not tonight

I'm too scared to try for love
too scared to look
I'm too scared to even give a chance
I can imagine myself happy
But I don't know if it's real

I thought I found it before
But now I know I was just hiding behind
What could never be
I'm terrified that I am too not right
to even find what I'm supposed to be looking for

I'm terrified that I'll never find someone
who will put up with my
back and forth mind

I'm not sorry we've been where we've been
I don't know what to call it
But it worked for me
We were young
things moved fast
But I had trust in you
and you had faith in me
You helped me learn about myself,
sometimes in ways mama would not approve of
But nevertheless, I would be different, if I never had you

I used to think that I was nothing without you
but now I know that all you do is bring me down
I though that all my world revolved around you
but I know now that you're what I need to learn to live without

This isn't love
I don't know what it is
The dark and twisty games
That we both know we both play
It's almost sick
That we keep on pretending
That this is how we both feel
What do we even know?
I am sick
Is this real?

I'd like to think that I'm not ruined forever
But I don't know if I believe anyways
Is there a way for things to be good and normal?
Those three words I'll forever be hesitant to say

This isn't love
I don't know what it is
Every night we say goodnight
Like we are all each other needs
We keep on pretending
That this is how we both feel
What do we even know?
About any of this
This can't be real

You have the greatest gift I can give
and That's quite a price for me to pay
just To learn that I do not love you
At all in that true love way

This isn't love
I don't know what it is
I thought I learned that love was
Pain and
Suffering
But maybe this isn't it
I haven't found it yet
Regardless,
I'll be forever scared to say it again
What do we even know?
I know now,
We're nothing

I don't even know how to explain it
It's like I'm sitting here
Watching what was once myself break down
There is no real smile
Cannot force out a tear
The most comfortable place
Is laying on the tile floor
Smoked three too many cigarettes
Without a single thing to eat
No matter how many times I lay down my head
I cannot seem to fall asleep
It would all be okay
If I just knew why
Why? Why do I feel like this?
I am alone.
It's happened before
No one knew how to help
I wish I knew how they could help
Even if I did they are not here
I am alone.
This place is new
Who to trust?
Who even would care?
It's not about them, it's not their fault
I am alone.
here
I am alone.
I just dream of being aware
of what I am feeling
At any given time
If only I could put my finger on it

I hate you
And
I love you
All the same
I laugh and I cry
Every time I hear your name
You complete me
But it is only because
You
Have every
Part of me

I don't know what to say
I know I love you
But for this I cry everyday
Do you understand,
Making me go on like this
is meaner that anything?
If you don't love me
Tell
Me

Don't lie
You know I hate it
When people lie
You let me sit
Here waiting
On and on
Before you know it
I'll be gone
So get ready

I don't know what to say
You know that I love you
Still you let me slip away
Do you understand,
That this is more than I
Can handle?
If you don't love
Me
Tell me

At first I thought that
Until you're ready I'll be
Waiting
But I swear to God if
You wait till I'm gone to
Tell me
That'll be too late
You had your chance
It'll be too late
Who am I kidding?

I know what to say
I'll keep telling you everyday
And listening to you say
"I love you too, but today I'm not ready"
And on that day
You stand outside my door and say
That "Today is the day"
I'll be yours
Forever

You can jump
and you can fly
or you can fall
fall down

I think I've fallen
Hit the ground

The only person I could ever want
to pick me up is who pushed me down

I wanna know
What it feels like
to have everyone you've ever wanted to love you
standing, waiting in a line
Cause I just stand here
In this same spot everyday
I think
I hope
I wish
I dream
I confide in you everything



Here



I am standing alone

What did you do?
You let me stay here
You watched me hit the ground

That's what I get
wait
wait just one minute
How does this become my fault?
That's what I get
For feelin' week
I get pushed and pulled
around around
From now on my goal's
to stay off the ground

What's wrong?
You look a little blue,
I know things don't always go our way
Just know that I am on your side
All time you skies are gray

I don't want you to be sad
I want you too be happy
I know things are not always
What we want them to be

Look outside in the gray skies
Something's peeking through the clouds
The sun is shining now
Trying to pick you up when you're down

Go ahead and step outside
Feel that sunlight
On your shoulders
We'll walk around with no shoes on
Tell me everything
everything

There's no school
No stupid people
For us to have to see
Just enough time in this spring
To wreak havoc on the bubble community

I will stand by your side
Till you smile
I'm sorry if this is stupid
Hopefully you'll laugh
at least
a
little bit

Do you know you shine to me?
My own little diamond
No one else can see
I don't know
If girls are lining up
But I would if I could
I would if I could

Do you even know?
Has anyone told you?
Boy you have to know
You're beautiful
Do you even know?
Am I the first to tell you?
There's nothing
short of perfection
in you

Just wait

We'll drive and drive
All night long
Leaving everything
Behind us
Drive until the whole
Tank of gas is gone
and we'll get
Lost
unlike we've ever been lost before
Where we don't know the right way home
It's be hours
before we find our way
But this is all we need
Just three kids running around
Trying to find ourselves

I didn't lie when I told you I love you
But you did when you said you love me too
The way I feel about you
has been the same from day one
I wanna stop but it's just too hard to
I have a feeling the pain has just begun

Nothing's changed
The way I feel for you
has always been the same
It's not my fault
that you're
a big, scared, baby
You say it's me
But you are driving me crazy
Nothing's changed
You'll always be
That big, scared, baby

Every minute I feel something different
a lot of times I feel the need to quit
to quit you
to quit you
you
You know how much you mean to me
You're all I think about
I want
I dream of
But can I do it anymore

What are you doing?
Isn't it my heart
that you said
you
didn't want to break?

What does it mean?
What does what you said mean?
What does it mean?

You know that I love you
I wish I could believe you
Show me you love me too

Everyone needs
Everyone wants
Everyone dreams
Everyone feels
Everyone fears
But does everyone really love?

I know that I can love
I know my needs
I know I have fears
I know my wants
I don't always know how I or everyone feels
I know I have dreams

You tell me all of your dreams
You tell me of your love
You tell me how you feel
You tell me all your needs
You tell me all your wants
You tell me all your fears

I want to forget my fears
I want to live all of my dreams
I know not every girl gets what she wants
I want to spread and share all of my love
I want to meet all of my needs
More than anything I want to feel

Tell me how you feel
Can I help you forget your fears?
Am I one of your needs?
Who is in your dreams?
Who is it that you love?
Am I, is this what you really want?

You are what I want
I want to know how you really feel
I think you are who I love
Your rejection is one of my biggest fears
Happiness underlines all of my dreams
This is all I need

What you don't want is what I fear
How I want you to feel is in my dreams
Your love is what I need

Tonight, I told you that I love you
I was nervous unlike ever before
But when I told you, tonight, that I love you
It seemed I in fact opened a door,
Could it really be that you love me?
The idea I want more than ANYTHING to be true
Did my honesty actually make you see?
That in fact you do love me too?
Now we must decide where we go from here
From best friends to more is quite a transition
But I feel it may be easier than it appears
To give our relationship a new definition
So now that you know that I love you,
In my mind there's only one thing left to do

Remember what you must say goodbye to
When all you want is to get out of here
When the craving to leave's taken over you
When the Madelaine and you go and get toe tattoos
And your bodies are taken over with fear
Remember what you must say goodbye to
Remember you and the Smalls decorating shoes
When you spend afternoons at her house everyday, all year
When the craving to leave's taken over you
When the boy you love says he loves you too
And you know he is one hundred percent sincere
Remember what you must say goodbye to
When your family you love bids you adieu
And your eyes flood uncontrollably with tears
When the craving to leave's taken over you
When you decide to leave everything that you once knew
and all you love will be nowhere near,
Remember what you must say goodbye to
When the craving to leave's taken over you

I can't tell anyone
No one can ever know
You can never find out
I'll never let it show
Oh the way that would break me
I would fall straight through the cracks
This is why when I push you away
I always beg you back
You're everything that I need
You're everything I want
but I look forward to when I leave
Just know you'll never be forgot
Because you have the biggest
Piece of my broken heart
Just hold on to it tightly
Every minute we're apart
I need to be away
Just for a little while
But I know that I will
Keep dreaming of, and looking for your smile
oh that smile
I love that smile
I love you