An apple a day keeps the doctor away
A peach a day makes the eyeball stray
A lovely pair makes them stop and stare
Let's go home, I'm getting bored
With looking at stuff I can't afford

o                                          
                          o                                                                ­                                          o
                                                               ­                                                                 ­  o
I'm a weeny fish                                                I could try blowing lots of bubbles
In a big blue scary sea                                      That would surely show'em
If I don't do something pretty soon                  Or maybe I should think a while
No-one's going to notice me                             And write a little poem

                          
                                ­    I'm a little flat fish
                                    A frightened little sole
                                    The sea is way too big for me
                                     I want to live in a bowl

Line up two by two
Nice and tidy, all of you
This is Noah's hay queue.

At this time of year winter's grip is left behind
In every corner little signs of Spring we find
Birds are pairing up, snowdrops brave the chill
Life in the earth begins to stir
And yes, I love you still.

First bump, tree stump
Second ding, one of those things
Third scrape, didn't concentrate
Whoops, bang, fourth prang
Better get a brain scan.

Into the peachy clouds
A strawberry sunset spreads some light
We track across the chili fields
And climb aboard the gravy night

A chocolate pond reflects a moon
Tall hedges show the way
A startled pheasant chucks alarm
A pigeon ***** and flies away

An unseen owl shrieks hello
Foxes cough their husky bark
The dapper badger stirs below
The night shift claims the dark

The ploughman works on through the night
Engine roaring, blazing lights
In his power-walking leviathan
Guided by the satellites

On we go, the village near
We'll find a welcome there
An inglenook, a glowing hearth
A pint of hoppy beer.

you ignore the good
     you just see bad
your glass is always empty
    it's in your head
  you're sad and mad

    nothing we can do
    nothing we can say
you make it hard for everyone
       you and me
  we wouldn't last a day

All day panda girl reclines
Exercise she declines

Horsey girl will bring you luck   ( U )
Her legs are strong and she drives a truck

Bonobo girl is worth consideration
Taking account of her reputation

Cat girl charms you with her eyes
She chings her  claws and claims her prize

Crocodile girl will make you happy
Until she gets a bit too snappy

Dormouse girl may give a peep
Together you'll have a lovely sleep

Turtle girl will be just swell
If you coax her from her shell

Wallaby girl needs some space
To hop about from place to place

Tarantula girl gives you pangs
When she shows her fearsome fangs

Cougar woman's after me
Completing my  fantasy
Menagerie

Don't have a baby with this man
If you do, don't let him push the pram.

You're working for a woman now he said
I thought a bit, scratched my head
You've got it wrong, how can that be?
It's she who's working now for me.

She promised truth and faith
Hope and harmony.

Her faith was tested early on
To set our people free
And wrestle back our islands
In the southern sea.

With Ronnie Reagan in a golf cart
She found her harmony
In front of all the cameras
Together for eternity.

She stood up to the unions
Never giving way
She set the miners free
Took their hopes away.

They tried to **** her at the Grand
They all so nearly died
But she was out next morning
Defiant in true grit, very much alive.

But now the iron lady's lost her wits
Her intellect is shot to bits
She starts to speak but half way through
Can't remember who is who.

The iron lady's lost her touch
Her brain they say has gone to mush
Back in the day some called her great
A woman no man should underestimate.

The iron lady's had her time
Now condemned to slow decline
From all she could command respect
Now not love nor hatred, just neglect.
Old friends, her children absent somehow
The iron lady's lonely now.

I saw a woman today
Her hair a burnished amber
She showed me her orchard
Her gleaming silver turbine
Her warm red Rayburn
She opened up the door
The wood glowed inside
Golden bricks in patterns on the floor
We spoke about her grandmother
Her man was there
I noticed the way he looked at her
I smiled
It's good to be alive

Ah, a Spitfire!
This sight, it brings me close to tears-
I've not been near one of these for years.
Since when I was a pilot, World War Two-
Battle of Britain.
I was one of the few.

She's been restored, she looks real fine
Could I  sit in her just one more time?
I would so love to, it would really take me back...

Sorry sir, health and safety-
No way can you do that.

The low-life thieves are out at large
They're wearing hi-vis camouflage

The power's gone, the train won't run
Copper's stolen, sorry everyone

Man-hole covers, don't think twice
Every metal has it's price

A children's slide, that's good scrap
When no-one's watching they'll have that

For someone with a head for heights
Church roof lead will fetch a price

You know the statue in the park
That'll vanish after dark

The names of those who died for us
Are on a plaque made of brass
There's no respect, no shame in sin
They take that too and weigh it in.

If you think we're going to fight
And it's your intention, we just might.
But it's not what I would like to do
That's why I send this note to you.

Your home's a special place to be
Your refuge from the world, your sanctuary
So please don't fret or get upset
Your privacy we will respect.

As we reflect on our situation
We hope that this communication
Will ease the tension in the air
And show we understand and care.

Feel in my words a soothing balm
Let all your thoughts be smooth and calm
Quell those fears, unknit that furrowed brow
I'm sure we will be friends somehow.

Happy New Year
Be of good cheer
Let's raise a glass to happy times
And a whole new year of writing rhymes

If your glass is nearly empty
Fill it up,we've still got plenty
If your glass is never full
You drink too quick, silly fool

The 3 toed sloth
Rhymes with goth
Or is it oath

Moves slowly

Sometimes algae grows on his head
Joni Mitchell didn't mean him when she said

Wild things run fast
3 toed sloth, he'd come last

Once a week he climbs down from his tree
And that's to have a poo and ***

Now sloths get amorous
But *** is tricky up a tree
He moves too quick, he's not used to it
And hits the ground involuntarily

Randy broke his arm
Kind people fixed it with titanium

He resumes his slothful days
But now he's more careful with his loving ways

For those who want to learn
There are many teachers

I love to watch you sleeping, I love to watch you run
We spend our days together, together we have such fun
All you ask for is the basics and a bit of company
Body language reading is your speciality

That and chasing blackbirds or anything that moves
Rats, cats or aeroplanes are all fair game to you
When I'm busy working you're good at killing time
But ready for some action when you read the signs

At ten o'clock you go to bed, I pat your head and say
Night night Dusty boy, sweet dreams
You've been a star today

When searching for your heart of gold
Be warned that many counterfeits are sold
The gilded one may brightly shine
But flakes and fades given time
The one you're really looking for
Is made of carat 24

She was only 15, no boyfriends yet
At a family gathering their eyes first met
Now Rob's not shy, with plenty of chat
So he gave her a call and they never looked back.

She went to Cambridge to get her degree
So every weekend, so did he.

When that was all done, what's next to do?
No more travelling, just me and you
In a cottage in Framsden made for two

With ferrets and fish and a couple of dogs
Oka cooks happy meat while Rob chops logs
A veggie garden appeared for a spell
A few came up, but the weeds did well.
Some chickens arrived and did their thing
Then so did the fox to commit his sin.

Now Rob loves his hobbies, it gets on her wick
When he's in his shed fiddling with his welding stick.
But life is quite settled, time passes like this
Living their version of unmarried bliss.

But something is missing, the feeling grows
She thinks to herself, will he ever propose?
Then leap year comes round, with it's extra day
That was her chance to have her say

Rob knew it was coming, he took the day off.
She said I want to be married, now don't you scoff!
But Rob wasn't scoffing, he said now I'm sure
I do love my Landie, but I love you more.

That brings us right up to this special day
We all wish you well, we all want to say
May your lives together be happy, healthy and long
May your love for each other keep growing strong.

My body's nothing special, as far as I can see
My mind, though verging on the tiny
Is good enough for me

I don't ask much from anyone
They don't ask much from me
That way I stay in touch
With my inner chimpanzee

He wanted to see his friend
Asked mum for a lift
She said no

He did something wrong
Not a big sin
As far as sins go

Just walking in the road
On the wrong side
In the dark

His neighbour smacked him
With a wing mirror

Bread
Milk
Toothpaste
Flowers for the grave

As my wife predicted
This is getting
A bit addictive

Along the winding road of life
We travel a long, long way
But nothing  lasts for ever
Die we must one day

Some day we all will disappear
No longer to exist
For death's a bit like chocolate
It's useless to resist

If life's a gift it's a borrowed one
Which needs to be returned
But if there is an afterlife
Let's hope we take along with us
The lessons that we've learned

My name is Dave, I'm polite and clean
I left my home in Aberdeen
To be your host, that is my task
All for the fun and a season's pass

So under the table with your feet
If you like garlic you're in for a treat
You'll sit and dine with cheapo wine
The recipes will work out fine
With fancy puds you will be nourished
All presented with a flourish

At the end of the week goodbye my friends
Next week I do it all over again.

Up the lift, must not be late
Find the ski school, they won't wait
Hello, and what's your name?
Do you think we ski the same?

Bend ze knees, don't lean back
Snake down in line, like on a track
This is how you need to be
It's counter-intuitive you see.

Under the lift, in full view
Two people collide
Ouch! I'm glad that wasn't me or you.

Stop for lunch, sit in the sun
Do the moguls, have your fun
But do take care, take care a lot
If you fall you may not stop.

It's nearly over all too fast
This morning's lesson is the last
"So 'ave you learned somesing? asks Jean-Louis
We all reply "Oui merci".

Tap tap tap and ye shall find.
I sieved and panned for nuggets that shine,
Searching for those elusive lines
That transgress space and transgress time
Or soothe and calm like favourite wine
Or send a shiver down the spine

I chanced upon a wealthy seam
I tapped and from it gushed and teemed

A geyser of emotion
A tide of wisdom
A planet of experience

Hello Poetry, how do you do?
I'm very pleased to meet with you.

You are  friend
And rival
I watch
And tread carefully

     _

Now stop
Go away
Lost cause
No more to say

     _


Stay abed
Sleepy head
Not getting up
Eyes tight shut

Let'***** the road, you and me
Let's find out who we're meant to be
Let's burn some gas and feel some speed
Let's do it now, I feel the need

Or maybe stay at home and plan it
It would be kinder to the planet

A poem with an awkward rhyme
Is like a bell, with an off-key chime
The craftsmanship has gone all wrong
Like a perfume, with a hint of pong
Of course our poems don't have to rhyme
But I like it better

I'd love to play the piano really, really well
Or strum away on guitar
And sound like Ralf McTell
But I don't have the talent
And I don't really have the time
So I'll just sit here like I do
Making up a rhyme.

What does Christmas mean to you?
Lots of parties, things to do
Presents to buy,friends to see
Got to get a Christmas tree

The lights are up, the decorations
Excitement grows, anticipation
The turkey's stuffed, ready to go
If we're lucky we may see snow

Get caught up in the Christmas mood
If you don't you're Mr Scrooge
Flash the card, splash some cash
Don't turn up drunk for midnight mass

But let's go back to days of yore
When our god was nature in the raw
A Pagan celebration there we find
A twelve day feasting known as Yuletide

Times have changed but traditions survive
In a slightly different guise
We'll follow suit and do just that
Like the druid and the bishop
We'll put on our Santa hat.

I'm Ridgey the rabbit shooter, that's who I am
I'll shoot your rabbits bang bang bang!
So if there's a problem give me a call
I'll shoot your rabbits but I'll not get 'em all
I'll tell you a story and keep you amused
But if you upset me no bounds what I'll do.

So if you're passing by one day
Be sure to stop and give us a wave
I'm usually here, lurking about
So if I see you I'll give you a shout
I'm Ridgey the rabbit shooter make no mistake
My talk is plain and my aim is straight.

I was twenty years old when I started this lark
I'm older now but just as daft
Cos up and down all day I still go
In the wind and rain and sun and snow
Earning a dollar, earning a dime
On them old thatched roofs where I spend all my time.

I must have done hundreds in that time
Each one a challenge, a mountain to climb
Keeping the water out, leaving my mark
Making the cottages pretty and smart
Earning a penny, earning a pound
On them old thatched roofs where I can be found.

The work is hard, no easy days
No room here for lazy ways
I'm not quite as keen as I used to be
Those mountains get steeper it seems to me
I'm looking forward to an easier time
When I leave those old thatched rooves behind.

The country in Springtime's a nice place to be
I got up early and made some tea
I'm really enjoying my piece of toast
But I wish I was walking the coast to coast.

If there's one thing in life that I recommend
It's to walk coast to coast with a very good friend
I've done it before, I've no wish to boast
I'll do it again, the coast to coast.

Grandma's sick
And she's not getting better
Nor will she

Everything's getting more difficult
Thinking
Eating
Drinking

She needs care now 24/7
Till the lights go out
And she goes to heaven

I am a poem
And I have feelings
I need to be respected
So read me to the end
Please
Or I'll feel
Neglected

I love my work, I love my dogs
I love my wife, I love my life
It's not that I don't want to stay
But I'm looking for adventure
So I have to go away.

I'll never say I'm cold again
Not after being here
The stars will  never shine so bright
The air will never seem so clear.

Not many people witness this
It's not a people place
Where the sun stays up all day and night
And the earth meets outer space.

There's not much food down here,
Just krill and fishy treats
No vegetables will ever grow
And you can't go out to eat.

Some say this  place will drive you mad,
Nothing but ice and snow
Others that it gets to you
Like nowhere else they know.

Now I'm ready, soon I go
To the cold round bottom of the globe.

I will be busy, but there may be times
In those quiet moments that I find
To sit and reminisce
About the other cold round bottom that I miss
The one I left behind.

Harry Patch, Harry Patch
Last man standing
Who saw so many, many fall
Beyond our understanding

Your body is weak, and your time must come soon
But your will is strong and your spirit shines through

You've lived so long, now you must be strong
And tell those tales of fear and regret
The ones you tried so hard to forget

Grandma was missing a tooth
The thatcher was there, at work on the roof
Then Lilly came down on her school holidays
And played in the pool
Or went out for the day

We all think she's great, a smart little girl
Her future looks bright as a citizen of the world
She likes to talk to me, and you
She knows what's false and she knows what's true

She likes to have fun, and can be quite silly
But sometimes she needs to be serious Lilly
Then she was gone, leaving a shortbread brontosaurus
Saying thank you Grandma, for all you've done for us.