She isn't beautiful.

She already knew this, but the truth still hurts. 
She faces the wall and her body speaks. 

"It's alright," says her heart, as her shoulders shake with the rhythm of sobs. Her small hands grasp her arms in comfort. An icy, throbbing pain seeps through her limbs and down to her toes; she draws her knees to her chest like a shield, no, like a wall. A wall to keep the fury and the grief and the humiliation inside, from soaking her bed and waking her ignorant lover. 

"I still love you," says her body. Her uneven ******* rise with her shallow gasps, her marred skin warms her frozen soul, her graceless legs protect her and her body loves her, loves her even if he doesnt. Even if he doesn't see her for anything but her faults, her body loves her. It is hers and hers alone and no one else will love her like she loves herself. 

"You're very pretty," says her brain, but it is of no comfort to her, only a reassurance that she will never be desired like a fairy tale princess, never mistaken for an angel. No wars would be fought over her, no dances ever asked of her. No matter the pain or the paint or the tears or the tries. 

She isn't beautiful. 

She already knew this.

Blood is thicker than water
I've heard that one before
And no matter how many times it's proven true
I refuse to remember.

Painful memories gather
I've played this game before
The feeling swells in my chest like a tidal wave
And forces me under.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder
I've lived this pain before
My brain goes fuzzy and the scars mesh and blend in
It's a grateful surrender

This new wound feels so tender
I've staked this claim before
Quick work will keep the mess in my heart together
No time to regret, dear.

Through the watery twister
I've not felt this before
My wandering spirit finds its welcoming niche
Unprotected no longer.

Although the light falters
I was alone before
These treacherous oceans can not drown me out now
I have found shelter.

The room was cold
No traces of warmth
Awake in my bed
I shivered.

There was no night
Only Time so bold
Passing observed and
With vengeance.

There was no fire
Of whispered love
Heat from routine vows
To sooth me.

Only the frost
Of hollow words, filled
With the worst poison
Apathy.

There is no sun
Strong enough to melt
Your ice in my heart
Back to sleep.

That feeling of disappointment
that starts in your brain and leaks down to your chest
knowledge that you have done wrong
pools along your frame and freezes like spring ice:
thin and dangerous and unexpected.
But it squeezes out of your eyes hot and fast and shameful
like how blue blood turns red when it hits air.
Saturated with anxiety, lungs pulling in atmosphere
to try and dry you out
But the ice is seeping into your bones
Down your arms and into your fingertips
so that the world collapses; no, you are trembling.
Realization increases, as does your heart rate
This pain is no longer in your mind, it is physical
it is attaching to your cells, voiding oxygen and
It pours through your veins, absorbed by your muscles
Until to the tips of your toes are frozen
A frost covers your skin in the lightest of ways
You still can't get enough space between your chest
and your heart and your lungs are collapsing and
you can't move or you'll break and
blood is now regret.

My eyes flipped through the list of names
And I saw your's, your picture surfacing in my memory

But my heart did not skip a beat
My cheeks did not brighten with blush
At a thought that I did not remember.

I did not close my eyes and see that room of comfort
Your hand was not on my shoulder
Your face was not mere centimeters from mine
Your existence did not overwhelm me.

I saw your name on that list of long night conversations
But I did not want to speak
I did not even want to look.

Have you been replaced? It is possible.
But are you replaceable? Impossible.
your name is
always before my eyes
always on my lips
always in my mind

but never in my hand.
Never next to mine.
Never next to me.

No matter how many times I
See your name
or write it down
or sing it out loud
or scream it with pleasure
It will never be my name,
And I will never be yours.

Understanding will never be
as comfortable as your bed,
but it will make seeing your name tolerable.

Storm clouds gather around your heart

I try to drive them back with sunshine

but nothing can rescue this man

who has cut the sun from his veins

and filled them with sadness and acid

It must be my fault for being so placid

but this sun can't stop shining

not yet.

this message in a new age bottle

doesn't serve you justice

wish you could still read

wish I could still write

but what use are words when our tongues are cut out?

speaking is not communication.