A loaded pen
is just as deadly as a loaded gun.
It'll pierce your heart
just the same.

The difference is;
one will let you breathe,
but you won't live.
-m.b

Eyes staring longingly,
Lips biting in anticipation.
Fingers caressing lovingly,
Soft music playing in retention.

Hushed whispers and smirks,
Hands raking through hair.
Tension so high, could be sliced with dirks.
Strips off everything, souls are bare.

Heads twisting on pillows,
Like melting opals, staining sheets.
Gasps, tremors, coos and moans.
Raining sweet kisses on petal-soft skin pleats.

-m.b

I preach about being independent and although it is a desirable trait, deep down I am still a hopeless romantic. I long to have a significant other who I can talk to, explore them like a curious scientist, study the cracks in between them, someone who would listen to how my day went and actually cares about me, who looks at me adoringly like I was their favorite constellation, knows my quirks and adores them and holds me when I'm tired. I do get tired easily. Must be nice to snuggle up to someone who makes you feel all tingly everywhere and the two of you get shy about it.

But I've been fishing for years and I still couldn't find the right catch. Talking to the moon who would tell me that it takes time and when I do, it'll be worth it. I believe it, I do. But I just wish this dull ache inside would disappear. Let it calm down and dissolve but it's like a restless wave, constantly washing over me. When will this storm end?

I wish I wouldn't feel so lonely at night, staring at the ceiling in the dark, listening to sad songs and feel the tears slipping down my cheeks in cohesion. It ***** even more in broad daylight where I see other couples holding on to each other, smiling and wearing dumb matching sweaters. As cliché as it is, I want that. I'm happy for them, truly. But I couldn't stop the twinge of envy I get when I hear their lovesick giggles. What did they do; sell their soul, throw a coin in a well, or make a wish upon a shooting star? How did they get so lucky? What are the chances of liking someone who likes you back? Is it a breakthrough in science they discovered? A eureka moment? Am I the only lost particle? If not, where are the other lost ones? Are they colliding aimlessly, alone and lonely as I am?

How many masks do I have in my collection
until someone realises something is off?

How long does the party go on until
everyone goes home, strips off
and sees that not everything is
as lovely, as majestic as how
the lights, decorations and music
made it out to be?

How many more superhero costumes
are made until they save me, from me?

-m.b

Usually it feels like being under murky water. Very dark, a complete blur, unable to talk or you'll consume the ***** liquid. The inability to reach out because they can't see your form beneath the waves. You can't hear past the waters. no matter how hard you strain. Getting your legs tangled in the weeds below, pulling you in, pulling you in, pulling you in. With not much hope to let you breathe fresher air again.

But I hung on to that tiny thread of hope and I got better.

However, here I am. In a different environment yet I'm still struggling. This time it's like being in a cool, sandy desert. No sunshine, just stormy grey clouds. People would pop in now and then, asking me how I am. I would smile and tell them I'm fine through a grimace because I'm clutching my chest, it's like I'm breathing through corrupted lungs. Why is it so hard to breathe? Why is it so dark and gloomy? Why do I feel so terrible on the inside? Is this getting better??

-m.b

Sometimes it gets really bad
Up in my head.
And the questions start to hit;
Why this, now? Why me? Is it really worth it?

And the answer is always this:
Yes.

-m.b

The weight of you
     sitting upon me.

My fingers rake
     your thick mop of hair.

My fingertips graze
     your porcelain skin.

Inhaling your scent*
     like a breath of fresh air.

And I miss it.
     I miss it all.

-m.b

And I am left gasping, exhausted.
How can a love so strong felt by one person,
and the other not at all?

How can you give and give and give
and the other would take and take and take;
but runs with it all?

How is it happening everywhere;
the pain and hurt alone,
while the other moves on through it all?

-m.b

She talked about him as if he hung the stars in the sky.
She looked at him like he was Adonis from the famous Greek myth.
She listens intently to him as if it's a lullaby.
She got goosebumps when they touch, like a soothing drift.
She wanted to know him more but was afraid to pry.
She was thirsty for his love, took everything he gave.
She liked him so much, at nights she would cry.
She wanted the best for him, for as long as he lives.

He talked about her like she's a friend of his sister.
He looked at her like she's a painting he couldn't understand.
He listens to her like she's reciting a speech by a pastor.
He recoils when they touch, her skin gets too damp.
He doesn't really know her because he never bothered.
He gets annoyed when she asks too much, he prefers being alone.
He tries not to be with her too often, she deserves better.
He knows she likes him but he doesn't want her to be heartbroken.

-m.b

I can't wait to be in my own space again. With curtains drawn, basking the room with a yellow glow against cool blue walls. Lying on cloud-like pillows, wrapped in familiar scented blanket that pulls me to slumber since I was younger. Nothing but the silent hum of air-conditioning, my steady breathing and thumping of my heart beat. No loud TV, no whining and arguing in the morning, no foul smelling conditions. Just clean, quiet, familiar room with my own thoughts running in my mind.

-m.b

I have braved storms,
I've been stepped on,
I stood next to prettier flowers,
I discovered my powers,
Yet I'm still blooming;
I'm still standing.

I will not pull out my own petals
Just to satisfy an onlooker.

My loved ones, the bees;
They looked over me.
Made sure I have sunshine
and water until I'm fine.
Pulled out my weeds
and gave me all my needs.

You see, I'm the strongest flower;
And I'm still blooming.

-m.b

When you say that you miss her,
do you miss her intelligence, her humour?
What about her laughter, the sparkle
in her eye when you reach out to tickle
her during your date to the movies
and how she complains when you add anchovies
to your pizza? Do you miss that
or do you just miss bringing her to bed,
a willing body that reciprocate
to your constant inner needs?
Her whole being is a temple
for you to worship but you trampled
on her garden, leaving crushed
seeds of hope and scatters of unbloomed
dreams of being loved and adorned.
Guess you never felt guilty for leaving her torn.

-m.b

we were flying in the gentle breeze;
calmly, slowly, happily.
but that's it.

even if I felt everything;
the butterflies, the awestruck,
the extreme giddiness and "glow", you didn't.

I would think it's wrong
that I'm alone in this
but it's not. honest.

even if we're in a different universe
and we switched lives and interests,
we would still be like this.

I have come to terms that
we're just not made for more.
and really, that's okay.

I'm okay.
you're okay.
we're okay.

-m.b

The shivers that run through my body
feel like ghost fingertips running
across my skin, teasing.
It leaves multiple tiny bumps popping
and the hairs stood up on ends.

My breath caught in my throat,
I gasped as the air left my diaphragm;
only clean static remain,
pulsing in my bones.

Clean, glittering tears welled up like waves
and crashes down the smooth walls
covering my skull,
creating watered roads down hills.

-m.b

It's only been a few days, that's true.
But I already miss you.
Your quiet stares,
you shaking off your hair.
How you'd look at me in awe
because I was singing to a song you know.
And how we shared a look for a second
when someone asked you a question
that we somehow knew
the answer to.
It's crazy how well we connect;
Except for the part where you don't like me back.
For someone who makes me incredibly happy,
you're also the reason why I'm full of misery.

-m.b

A healing voice;
Deep yet soft,
calls on a moonlit night.
Washed over me like a tide,
surely I'll sleep tight.

-m.b

Your insides
are prettier than the Paris city lights.

I've found you but
you're not mine to keep.

I guess that's alright.
Cause all picked flowers have died.

I want to see you bloom
and I'd gladly give you room.

Maybe I'm not meant to stay,
maybe one day I'll be away.

But for now, I'll do my best
to build you up. Then we'll rest.

-m.b

There's something about your voice;
If I were a disease, I would be cured.
If I were to be deaf except for your voice;
I would jump at the chance. I'm destroyed

-m.b

It took
All of my
Willpower
Not to grab
Your hand.

Your look
In your eye
Made me warmer;
Like a stab
Of sunshine.

-m.b

It started last December didn't it? I was somehow attracted to you even though you got on my nerves. Isn't that cliché? But it's getting stronger and though I tried to fight it, I can't stop my feelings. I get flutters inside and I'd automatically smile when I think of you. Wanting to talk about you all the time. You're banging on the door in my mind all the time. In the morning, afternoon, night and even up until 3am where I write down things that I like about you. Maybe this is just another crush and I'll move on sooner or later but just know that this: I like you a lot. Right now. Maybe it won't happen and it won't matter in the next few months or years but right now? I like you a whole lot and I'm not ashamed of it. Not one bit.

-m.b

These past few days, I was over the moon. But I guess that's the danger of it. I was too high up and yesterday I crashed.

They don't have a lot of mirrors in this house and it's always dark where the mirrors are. I walked down the stairs, passed the full length mirror and was taken aback at how I look like. Flat hair, dark circles around my eyes with heavy eyebags. My eyes were red around the edges and my cheeks were stained with tears.

I couldn't reach out exactly to my friends. I can't even explain why I'm sad but I am. I couldn't control it but I feel so worried, so sad, so hopeless and helpless.

I washed my face and turned off my phone, everyone else was asleep anyway. I'll be okay. I've been through this many times and I've picked myself up all the time, with the help of supportive friends who keeps reminding me of my worth and how much they love me. I'm really thankful for that. For them. But I can't help the sadness.

I just woke up, it's not 9am yet but I've already cried like what, 4? 5 times? I have other things to do but you're taking up so much space in my head. I hate having feelings for people because it makes me weak. I'm very weak right now but I'll get better. This is just temporary. It's not worth it.

-m.b

"Write a poem for me," you said.
I couldn't so I quietly declined.
I watched you as you stepped around,
Slashing your paper sword in and out.

"Okay then, I'll make one," you said.
You stopped moving and concentrated,
Frowning. She teased you and you told
her to keep quiet, to which she did.

It was nearly 5pm and it was raining softly.
We waited for you patiently,
Then words started spilling from your mouth.
Indeed you made a poem with us as your eager crowd.

It was almost therapeutic, man.
With your gentle voice blending in the rain;
Like warm honey trickling under the Mediterranean sun.
Who would've thought that we'd be friends?

-m.b

[02/03 2:37 pm] Blue: I hate him. I keep staring at him from afar and then when I can't see him, I'll stalk his pics. Drinking in his features, scrutinizing everything, comparing to what it looks like. Always, always in my thoughts. When I'm awake, when I'm asleep. Always. I need to stop this. I haven't had a crush this bad in so long
[02/03 2:38 pm] Blue: When he's next to me I'd sneak some glances and have it etched in my memory. Like last week I noticed his long nails and how it tat-tat-tatted on the table as he waited for the page on the laptop to load
[02/03 2:40 pm] Blue: When he walks I see how he moves his arms a little. It's like he needs to keep moving and I find it fascinating cause I've always been reserved and try not to attract people's attention while he basks in them. Seems like he wants to fill in the empty spaces around him. That is something I wouldn't do intentionally
[02/03 2:42 pm] Blue: If he were a dancer I'd understand why he's so laid back, so confident with his swagger and he's used to moving a lot. It's really mesmerizing and it pains me that I couldn't get close to him. I wish I could see more of him and study his quirks
[02/03 2:44 pm] Blue: Do you see where this is going? I, a curious watcher, am filled with restless waves crashing when it comes to him but he is just the calm waters after the storm
[02/03 2:44 pm] Blue: So you can't really ship it cause it isn't good for me
[02/03 4:48 pm] Aphrodite: I, for one, do not know him enough, still. Physically, yes, he's lovely to look at. Absolute eye candy. Like how some people are to me. They're fun to poke around with and maybe flirt a little, but a serious relationship is hard with them, at least, that's what I think.
[02/03 4:49 pm] Aphrodite: I still don't know him enough to know if he's good for you and, trust me, I would want nothing but the best for you.
[02/03 4:49 pm] Aphrodite: How intriguing he is to you doesn't really faze me. I think it's adorable, and it's a fun thing to watch people gush about.
[02/03 4:51 pm] Aphrodite: He's a typical bad boy but I've seen his loyalty to his friends and his unwavering need to be with his friends. Maybe he's not too bad.
[02/03 4:51 pm] Aphrodite: You are an absolute queen and anyone you date should be on par, if not better.
[02/03 4:51 pm] Aphrodite: Bad boys are fun too.
[02/03 4:55 pm] Blue: Thank you :(
[02/03 4:55 pm] Blue: Aha I wish he'd find it (and me) adorable too
[02/03 4:56 pm] Blue: When will I ever find that person
[02/03 4:56 pm] Blue: But I'm not a bad girl? Idk
[02/03 4:57 pm] Aphrodite: Sometimes never, because you're an angel and everyone here are devils and they're never gonna be good enough for tou
[02/03 4:57 pm] Aphrodite: Bad boys don't need bad girls
[02/03 5:01 pm] Blue: Guess I'm ****** to be alone, unloved, forever
[02/03 5:02 pm] Blue: Idk but I'm probably uninteresting to him
[02/03 5:02 pm] Aphrodite: I highly doubt it won't happen, especially with the way you are and how your words pull people in and your voice breaks hearts
[02/03 5:03 pm] Aphrodite: He's nonchalant about the world
[02/03 5:04 pm] Blue: And I break a little on the inside for wanting to be a part of his world

I feel like talking about you but I don't want to.
I feel like I should text you but I want you to do it first.
I feel like there's more to you and I want to get to know you more.
I feel like something is brewing but I don't want to hope too much.
I feel like writing more about you but my brain doesn't want to.
I feel a lot of things and when I do I want to turn it into art.
I feel like I should jot them down but my creative side doesn't want to.
I feel this is something else but if it isn't mine, I don't want it.
I can feel that I'm falling deeper but based on my experiences, my crush would never want me back.

-m.b

I'm already falling. I thought I had a firm grip on the ground but it slipped beneath me with each glance I stole.

I tried to push these feelings away but it's still there. Even when I had my eye on someone else, my head would automatically snap to where you are when I see you coming. Always with that energetic bounce. That deep sing-songy voice.

And when I heard that you like someone else, I feel a stab somewhere inside me. I feel the wound getting deeper. I feel the intense jealousy spreading; like an infectious disease.

Knowing fully well this will end with me picking up the broken pieces of my heart, I let myself fall anyway. I can't seem to have a grip on anything. Believe me, I tried.

Where I am now, it's like when you pull the plug from the drain after filling the tub. How the water gets ****** in like a whirlpool. How helpless. That's how I feel. I can't control these feelings.

-m.b

Breathing bodies won't hear me cry
and so I started singing to the sky;
About you. Your smile and kindness,
how are people blind from this?
The smoothness of your stalk,
the richness of your tone when you talk.
The delicate way of holding your
stick of nicotine between your fingers.
How you seem to fool everyone
that you're pernicious but there's not a bad bone
in your body, my sweet.
I don't see it when we meet.
Cause when you speak I see stars glimmering
and warm waves crashing.
The softness of the breeze
during a 5.45pm sunset, swaying trees
whispering good omens for hidden,
lost souls. You breathe in
life and exhale an aura of wisdom,
masked by lackadaisical freedom
of expression. They don't read between
the lines to unfurl your hidden dreams.
I could go on and on about you
but they don't see the real and raw side of you.

-m.b

Three summers since we first met.
On hot nights we'd rendezvous and laid
Together under the stars,
Poured out our hearts;
Long drives in our cars.

Two summers since we parted.
That was when your eyes started
To look away, darted.
I kept trying to call you
But again and again we'd argue.
It broke me to say "We're through."

One summer since I bumped into your friends.
I was anxious, I fiddled with my hands.
Truthfully, my love for you transcends
The time and distance that parted us.
They say you tried to disguise
Your pain but you still love me. That gave me a rush.

-m.b

Perhaps these seeds I've planted
Will make flowers grow
Into self love I wanted.
These doubts, they need to go
//Baby steps to love myself//

-m.b

A rock that people might miss
Simply because it seems ordinary,
That's you. But please,
You opened up to reveal how you really
Are. And to me, it's so surreal,
So unlikely, so precious.
Like the many layers of petals you peel,
To showcase your heart, your treasures.
Talking to you is sacred to me.
I can't tell people simply.

-m.b

Sometimes when I'm alone
I'd think of you.
But you're not here,
my dear.

I remember how
gentle you'd hold
my hand.
Grab, hold, caress.
But you're not here,
my dear.

How my arms would
envelop your waist.
How perfectly it stays.
But you're not here,
my dear.

I remember how
smooth your hair
feels when I fiddle
with it.
But you're not here,
my dear.

I miss how your soft
voice pleads my name
when we don't sit
together. Oh, the lilt.
But you're not here,
my dear.

And when we hug,
I love the height difference.
How I'd bury my face
in your chest. And you'd
dig your chin on my head.
But you're not here,
my dear.

Sometimes when I recall
your little details,
I become suffocated
with your lovely scent.
But you're not here,
my dear.

I'd close my eyes and
reach out for your body.
But you're not here,
my dear.

My lovely dear,
you're now with
somebody else.
I wish you're here.

-m.b

You keep folding yourself in. Like origami, you turn into various art sculptures. You change so you'll remain hidden and unseen but I'm an observer. I see how with every fold, I make a mental note of it.

How spectacular; you fold to hide but to me you're an art exhibition. The more you try to stay low-key, the more awestruck I get. So how, my dear, do you think you're uninteresting, unloved, unentertaining when your very being is a field I'm studying? You're art.

-m.b

I think,
Write,
Talk
About you
A lot.
I'll smile
And blush
When I reminisce
Of our days together

-m.b