It took
All of my
Willpower
Not to grab
Your hand.

Your look
In your eye
Made me warmer;
Like a stab
Of sunshine.

-m.b

she told me "if you ever loved me then you should have fought for me, battled with your heart not with your words, even if it results to bruises and broken bones"

"if you loved me then why did you easily let me go"

it stayed in my mind for a long time, so long that i can still remember the phone call i got that night and the screams i heard as your mother told me she needed my help to calm you down because all you ever did was love me, all you ever wanted was to be loved back

my heart never beat so much faster than it has before. i wanted it to stop, i wanted everything to stop, i wanted you to stop

to stop thinking about me, about us, and everything that has to do with the things i did

i know what i wanted, i know that i never fought for you that way you wanted but that doesn't mean i never tried

and you will never know how it's like to fake it all out, because to you everything was real and it was the exact opposite for me

and you will never know how much i regret every time i wasted. you were horrible, you controlled me emotionally to get what you want, and you tell me that it's "love"

and you will never know how it's like doing every single action with a hint of regret because i keep telling myself it's always gonna be the wrong decision

and you will never know how it's like to be loved by me, how it feels to be fought for by me, how it feels to see me break my bones for you because i will never give you the satisfaction

the satisfaction that you can manipulate me again because this time i tell myself that it's over

i'm sorry if you didn't get what you wanted but you shouldn't have went so far just to get it

so here i am, in the corner of a dark room, breaking my own bones, collecting the fragments, because i have a wish to make

that these bones i break will now be for myself

that the ink i spill and the thoughts my mind consume shall never be yours

that after i make a wish out of my bones

i hope

i hope that it would come true

that my pain will suffice to pay for the past that i want to be gone

Lately, I've been finding myself lost in the land of dreams.

In my dreams, my happy place comes to life. The skies were always lilac. The seas were always calm, and the air was fresh, and the sun was bright and golden. In my dreams, the trees were vibrant greens, and the mountains wore pure white snow caps.

In my dreams, war is a myth. Peace is rampant, the flowers are lively, and the ground has never felt the drop of blood. A child's laugh would occasionally fill the air, and parents would laugh along too. Music was a common thing.

In my dreams, there are no imperfections. There are no things to remind me of the real world. The skies are lilac, the sun is gold, and the world is better.

But sometimes, the bombs get too loud, and the tanks get too close, and the gas creeps faster, chasing me through the broken streets of my once beautiful home.

Sometimes, a scream pierces my ears and my illusions shatter. I can hear parents screaming for their hollow children. I would look through my ragged curtains and gasp at the ****** ground. I would look up and find no golden sun and lilac skies. Instead I find dust and missiles.

I don't remember how my dreams came to reality. In fact, I don't remember much about my past life anymore. All I remember is one day, I woke up and saw the sun shining for once. The streets were quiet, and my mother was humming the old radio tune we used to play all the time. I could hear my brothers laughing, and my sister softly singing to herself.

Though I seem to recall how a woman screamed and suddenly everything was on fire. Explosions burning, hot and bright.

I can't be sure though. It all seems fuzzy, like a distant memory. But I'm in my happy place now.

There's no place I'd rather be.

It started last December didn't it? I was somehow attracted to you even though you got on my nerves. Isn't that cliché? But it's getting stronger and though I tried to fight it, I can't stop my feelings. I get flutters inside and I'd automatically smile when I think of you. Wanting to talk about you all the time. You're banging on the door in my mind all the time. In the morning, afternoon, night and even up until 3am where I write down things that I like about you. Maybe this is just another crush and I'll move on sooner or later but just know that this: I like you a lot. Right now. Maybe it won't happen and it won't matter in the next few months or years but right now? I like you a whole lot and I'm not ashamed of it. Not one bit.

-m.b

These past few days, I was over the moon. But I guess that's the danger of it. I was too high up and yesterday I crashed.

They don't have a lot of mirrors in this house and it's always dark where the mirrors are. I walked down the stairs, passed the full length mirror and was taken aback at how I look like. Flat hair, dark circles around my eyes with heavy eyebags. My eyes were red around the edges and my cheeks were stained with tears.

I couldn't reach out exactly to my friends. I can't even explain why I'm sad but I am. I couldn't control it but I feel so worried, so sad, so hopeless and helpless.

I washed my face and turned off my phone, everyone else was asleep anyway. I'll be okay. I've been through this many times and I've picked myself up all the time, with the help of supportive friends who keeps reminding me of my worth and how much they love me. I'm really thankful for that. For them. But I can't help the sadness.

I just woke up, it's not 9am yet but I've already cried like what, 4? 5 times? I have other things to do but you're taking up so much space in my head. I hate having feelings for people because it makes me weak. I'm very weak right now but I'll get better. This is just temporary. It's not worth it.

-m.b