My Mother, always in her own little world.
Never there to listen.
What she didn't see or hear, never was.

She never seemed happy.
Never had the love she needed.
Her three husbands, all a disappointment.
They never gave her the love she so craved.

Always looking for something that would never be.
So many times I wanted to say, what's wrong?
but she was always  in her own little world.
She never heard a word I said.

I wanted to know things, I wanted to tell her things.
but she was never here, safe in her own little world.
I learned very fast how to go where she went,
she was a very good teacher.

Her belief was, what you don't see or hear,
can't hurt you or it just never was.
Everything was a secret,
don't tell, never tell, was her motto.

I think about her and I get very sad.
To the day she died, there was no love.
I loved you, Mother.
You just didn't hear me.

Mother am I beautiful?  No, you are pretty, just pretty....

Little girl behind the old rocker, in the corner of the living room.
So very quiet, so very sad.
So often forgotten and never listened to.
"Oh, she is just shy and a real momma's baby".
What a shame, she has no voice. Are you sure she's okay? You know....

The prison of silence they put her in.
Each cutting word stole more of her voice each day.
One day she just gave up and her voice was silenced to all.
Words were never  uttered in her prison of silence.

Each day she stayed a little longer in her own little world.
She tried to make it perfect but sadness would creep in
and her unheard tears would flow again.
Somehow she made it through her young years,
and grew up into a woman or so they thought.

Little girl still hurt, silent tears still flow.
And a smile that hides more pain
that you could ever know.

You are so worth going through Hell for because he will be rewarded twenty times his sufferings, for being true to you and loving only you
with a passion that can burn a volcano to cinders. "Yes, Yes, In turn, when I am convinced of that love, he will finally know what paradise feels like."
"He will realize all the others that he felt were so good, moved so good, looked so good, made him feel so on top of it all, was only just step one
of the 20 steps I can take him to, if I so choose."  "So far, I have not taken anyone to the twentieth step yet.  What a shame, what a loss, never to
really know that in the end, I am everything they could ever imagine they wanted or needed."  "It is sad that a man is only as faithful as his options."
"He turns away ecstasy himself, for maybe, if he is lucky, one hour of sweaty, soon to forget, body pounding, while being silently judged on a scale of 1 to 10
his ability to service the shallow, money grubbing, dead *****, that he so thought he needed instead of 20 steps to heaven forever."  Someday I know
there will be a Man, a Man of morals, of a soft, slow touch, one that did not need to prove himself in many beds, one that just knew and then so did I. I will
stand on the twentieth step, looking full into that man's face and he will be looking into my eyes of green, we will smile because we both took each other to the
Twentieth Step.

My best friend is my daughter.
We have been through thick and thin.
I have carried her, she has carried me.
We know who to turn to in the end.

There have been trying times on both sides.
And we have been separated by anger.
We are surly in hell, for we hurt so
when we are apart.

But nothing can part us for long.
No misunderstanding, nothing anyone can say,
can destroy our bond of love and respect.
We will always come back to us.

My daughter has been blessed with compassion and forgiveness.
Not just your everyday forgiveness but one that surprises me daily.
she has a gentle nature and can be hurt easily with words.
I know, for I have been guilty in that.

It has taken me a long time to learn
to use the right words, but my love for her
keeps me on my toes.

What I am saying is, she always forgives me
and tries to teach me to do the same.
She has been strong, when I couldn’t be.
and kept us together always.

She will always be my little girl
with the big green eyes.
My love for her grows each day.
and I pray that I have given her enough
to make it someday without me.
But till then, we are together
Me and my best friend, Sam

Little girl in the dark, with covers up to her chin.
Eyes wide open, heart pounding.
Don't go to sleep, it will get you!
She strains to hear it coming.
Make sure all is covered but the face.
For I must see what is going to get me!
If I don't move or hardly breath, maybe
it won't see or hear me....

What is that in the closet?!
Eyes straining to see the horror
that is surly going to get me.
Don't move, Don't breath!
Don't let your foot fall to the edge,
he will grab you and pull you down.
Keep your hands covered,
because he waits under the bed.

NO! you can't call your mommy.
Stay quiet little one,
for he will get you!

I see it in the closet.
I see it moving towards me.
My heart beats so fast.
Oh No! I hear it breathing.
Was that the closet door?
A silent scream strains.
Shhh  Shush! He's coming now.

Don't close your eyes,,
you need to see it coming!

Little girl in the dark.
All covered in blankets.
So frightened, waiting for it.
No moving, no breathing, NO crying!
For then it will get you.

Little girl in the dark, so tired.
My eyes are so heavy,
but I can't sleep, for it will know
and come for me.
Oh God! help me!
I am falling, falling asleep.
And it is coming,
for I have fallen asleep!!

Yes, we are planning a baby
A baby most wanted.
I have it all planned
So this is how it will go.

I will have my boy, named Sam
He will be first
He will have red hair and freckles
Oh Sam, you will be so cute!

Later on my little girl will come
She will be beautiful
And Sam will always protect her
Like a big brother should.

The day has come, I am pregnant!
I am so happy, Sam is on his way.
Four months of morning sickness
Has put a doubt in my mind.

What have I done, well can’t back out now!
Will I know what to do?
I have never been schooled on raising a child.
A red headed, always in trouble, Sam.

Oh!  What was that? A pressure, a pain.
It’s here, two weeks late, my little Sam.
Eighteen hours later
I’m pushing, one two three
He is out!

Wait a minute! The doctor is saying a girl!
No you are confused, it’s my boy, Sam.
I open my eyes and look into my daughter’s face
As she hiccups and hiccups.
She is beautiful.

The largest green eyes you have ever seen.
The best baby you could ever wish for.
I was truly blessed on July 25, 1968
With what must be an angel.

I have my Sam, with big green eyes
And dark brown hair.
For lo and behold, one of her
Friends nicknamed her Sam
Without knowing of Sam’s story.

My daughter was the only blessing
I would have.
There hasn’t been one wish
Of a different outcome.
My daughter, Sabrina
My daughter Sam

How can you be my world one day
and destroy it in the next?
With just four little words you have taken
my most precious memories
and condemned them to a most heartless death.
All the beauty of our first years
taken away in a second.
By four little words
and a stray thought of the flesh.
You have once again condemned us to return
and seek the knowledge we must learn,
before we can shed this prison we call flesh.
How many times? I thought this one was it.
I felt within a joy of promised freedom
only to realize, we must return again.
Sometimes I think, I will go on without you,
but then I remember, you have all that I am.
So here I stay, so close to you.
With a distrust in my heart
and a love that cannot be stopped.
Yes, I will be returning with you.
With a hope in my heart,
that this will be our last.
For trust is our lesson
And our end so far.

I’m sick and tired of this lot.
Not of my making.
No, it was not me.
As you thought.

I wait for real forgiveness,
But wait I have, wait I will.
Sometimes it seems easier to not
because real is hard to find.
And so I wait still.

Why do I wait,
When it wasn’t my making?
Because of all the other times
When I wasn’t so innocent in the making.

I never said that I would forever keep,
All the wounded and crippled at my door.
I never wanted the burden
And yes, it must **** to feel as a burden.

I get so ****** tired of feeding your addiction
Expecting me to do it all.
The weight is so heavy
I feel like I’m coming down with an affliction.

Now don’t read me wrong
Blame isn’t my reason.
I will always love you,
no matter what.

Now I’m just so ****** tired
Of the need to be forgiven.
I can’t do for myself,
Along with you and your extra.

Yes, nothing in life is free
Unless you live with me.
I’m spent and money is fading,
But I see, all is still here for free.
I feel used and much like raving!

I’m spent but you still look to me,
Like it’s my job to fix your life’s pain,
And keep you from sleeping in the streets.
There’s really only so much I can take
Of this switch from you to me.
Now who do we blame?

Yes, the time has come for you to fix you.
And me to fix this whole wrong.
Fixing me will come later on.
So who do we blame for all that is wrong?

Every morning I wake,  I scream and scream,
So to alert all, that I am here.

I check each room to make sure I am the only one here.
Then I look in the mirror and there you are..

Why are you always here?  I hate you!
Every morning I shout at you, Go away!

I hide but when I look, there you are..
Why do you insist on taking over?

You slither around me and take control.
I face you with all the courage I can muster but
In the end, you always win.

So I wait for you to weaken and grow weary,
And I can take my power back.
I have never been past this point
But I still feel that small light of hope.

So I look into the mirror with such hope.
Hope that somehow, someday I can defeat you with that light I feel.

I look deeply into the mirror and there you are,  waiting for me as always.
I won’t give up to you!
I will fight to the end.
For I truly hate you.
I say, you cannot have me or my essence,
For that little light of hope still shines on.

You walked into my life one summer day, so easily, so naturally, so calm.
You were so quiet, nobody seemed to notice, but to me, you sounded as loud
as a firestorm and a thunderstorm, entwined together, in my head and yes, my
heart. I never let myself dream anymore. Dream of intense but soft brown eyes,
that can tell you the things you long to hear.  Then I awake and know, twas only
my desperate yearning to be touched and loved.  Please this time, I beg, do not let
me awake.  Let me sleep forever and ever.

"Mommy, daddy said he is making me a stick horse,
just like the Indians use to ride!
"What! Oh that man...
"What did I tell you? You never tell, not ever!

"What's wrong with being an Indian, mommy?
"They think you are *****, they call you, savage!
"My kind, white people, won't let their kids play with you.
" They hate Indians, they call them stupid and *****!

" Do you mommy?  I look into her eyes and see nothing.
She has left me again and gone to her safe place.
I hear her whisper very low, "just go play and don't ever tell."

Little girl behind the rocker, so sad, so ashamed, so scared.
Don't tell my only friend?  She will hate me?
Does my white grandpa know? Will he stop loving me?
Scared little girl, so sad, so many tears, softly saying, "I'm *****".

" What are you doing? You just took a bath before bed!
" I'm getting cleaner, so they won't call me *****.
" They won't because you will never tell!
" Now get out of there and go to school.

"Marlene, what will you not do at school?
" I won't tell, never tell...
So confused, so alone, so ashamed.
Walking with head down now, slowly disappearing.
Voice is almost gone, silent tears falling on her old used coat.

Look at all the flowers on daddy's grave.
Everyone liked him and has come to say goodbye.
"Daddy, don't leave me! I'll be just one little Indian, all alone.
"Don't put him down there, it's dark and it will get him!

Little girl behind the old rocker, so very sad, so very quiet.
All her joy and wonderment taken from her by hate.
She listens to her mother and minds what she says,
"Don't tell, don't ever tell!

But every morning, while everyone still sleeps,
You can see a little girl running to the old garage,
Then, hair flying in the wind, as she rides her stick Indian pony!!
Silently saying, " I love you, my Indian daddy". And
Someday, I will tell the world!

Yes, she was just a dog.
A dog with the most pure of heart.
An Angel of unconditional love.
A friend, loyal to the end

My personal therapist and
Healer of broken hearts.
She was my best friend
My secret keeper,
My adventure partner.

She was my reason to get out of bed each day,
and my reason to keep trying.
She was my furry little shoulder to cry on.
My laugh when I needed one.

Best of all, she was my teacher.
She taught me forgiveness.
For I said, the purest of heart, she was.
But she was only, "Just a Dog".

With a look, you give me hope
that you will be by my side forever.
Your eyes promise me nights unending.
All warm and safe. Best of all Loved.

With a look, you give me hope.
That you will always love me.
And never turn away.
Always and forever, your eyes say.

With a look, you give me hope.
That there will never be a brighter star
That I will always shine in your eyes.
And you will always love me.

With a look, you give me hope.
Stay with me, my love, for you
have always shined in my eyes
and there will never be a brighter star.
I love you to the very depths of my heart.

I have loved you before this life.
I love you now and forever.
I will love you again.

Never a regret
Through time, never ending.
Again and Again, my love.

I see and hear the dark things
and I want to hide forever.
I am kept in a stagnate limbo.
For fear keeps you paralyzed.
I fight my way out and I feel safe again.
I made it once again, Alive!
And then I see and hear
the dark unspeakable s we are  capable of...
I hide again in fear.
Unable to fathom, Why?
How can we do the monstrous things,
I hear and see?
I will never receive the answer to my question.
Yes, the horror will go on
and it's understood,
will only get worse.
I want to take my loved ones  
to my safe hiding place
and forget this world of fear
ever existed.
Oh, for a world without fear,
keep us safe.

You are going someday soon, for you must seek a brighter star. Don't worry, I'll be with you forever.

I've loved you so completely and so deeply, I am lost inside you.

When you go, you take me with you, for you have all that i am.

I've loved you, every part of you, every look, smile, word and sigh.

Yes, I'll be gone. Gone into you for a lifetime, for eternity. My shell will only remain here. My sadness will linger in the air.

They will talk to me but i will not hear, my little dog will lick my hand, but i won't feel it. It will be then she will know, I am gone forever.
Soon my shell will leave this plane and they will morn me for a time.

Gone I am, with you Forever, My Brown Eyes

She was my best friend, my everything
We went everywhere together.
We would go on adventures, some
exciting, some dangerous but always fun.
What would we find this time?
Green eyes and brown eyes
all aglow with mystery and excitement.

Buffy was the listener and silent,
always in thought, always there for me.
I would always do the talking, I could
tell her anything, she was never my judge.
When I was sad, she would sit with me.
When I cried, she was there, her head tilted
as though she understood the depth of my pain.

But then she would know exactly when to jump
up and be my little clown!  She made me smile and
then laugh until my stomach hurt and the tears were
happy ones, once again.  She knew me so well,
every mood, sad, happy,fearful, she knew them all.
We could never be separated, not ever.

One day she looked at me and told me with such pain,
that I would have to make a decision of love for her.
She told me with her beautiful brown eyes, that she
must leave me and I must let her go.

She looked into my eyes with such love and asked
for my help. She said she couldn't do it herself,
"This is where you must make the decision to help me go."
Buffy my friend, I love you with all my heart and
that is why I can help you go in peace and dignity.

I held her to the very end, my tears never ending.
I felt her little spirit leave, her little body went limp.
And to the heavens she went. I know she is with me,
always watching over me.  I know she sent me
a very special friend like her, to make my pain
a little easier.

Now that special friend is looking at me and asking,
when it gets too painful, will you be there for me?
Oh God!  Why did you make their lives so much
shorter then ours?  Dog backwards is God, they
were graced with that special name.

Buffy Fly high, my little clown
Be ready to show my boo boo,
the way to the rainbow bridge.
Mommy, loves you.

Hello again my friend,
its been so long without you.
Our love was thrown away too soon.
We listened to others who never knew
this love of ours.

Hello again, I have loved you through time,
every day, every hour, feeling every second.
I knew then, we would be together again.
Maybe not this lifetime, maybe another.
Hello again, my friend, I have waited so long.
This time we will only hear each others words.

Hello again, my love. We are finally where we belong.
Your arms hold me tight and I will never let you go again.
Through all those wasted years, we will finally be as one.

Hello again, my only reason to live on, my only love,
hello again.

The day she entered our lives,
was the day we started to fall.
At first I didn't see the signs but
soon it was thrown in my face,
and could no longer pretend it
was not there.

At first I thought it was banter in fun.
She said in a truthful voice, she would
never take another woman's love. Ah,
but she lied I am convinced.

One day it was so clear to me finally.
I saw the look in his eyes. I saw the
the banter for what it really was.  A
****** dance it was.  The slip of an
adoring name, baby.  The walking
her to her car every time.  The endless
messaging at night.

His knowledge of everything about her,
when just seeing me a minute ago, he
couldn't tell me what I wore or had my
hair. He looks at her now, never me anymore.

I fear that brighter star has come too early.
My life is racing to an end.  For as I
have always said, he has all that I am.

He still says, I love you, all the time, but
it doesn't mean the same to me anymore.
He hasn't been with her in that way but
I have always said, you can be untrue in
mind only and I believe he is guilty of that.

I will never know how far it went but he
is still here with me. It has driven a wedge
between us and he doesn't see it. I think he
doesn't want to see it.  I will try to forgive
but I can never forget the hurt because, even
though she is not here, she is here.