I want someone that understands me.
Someone who gets that Jack Daniels taste like water,
gets that sleep never comes easy.
Someone who knows whats it like to have crazy inspiration at 3:30 in the morning,
who understands the reference, 'Lets do the time warp again'
I need someone who wont get upset at me for ranting about the difference on
   Hollywood films vs Indie films
Someone who is as obsessed with coffee,
who gets my love affair for Grunge music.
Someone to understand that its ok to cry,
that I would cry with them.
Who gets that I am a free spirit and will not try to tie me down..

I can no longer sleep at night. The reason is unknown to me. Some nights I could sleep for days on end if my body would let me, but then there are those nights where I cant get a blink of any rest.  My emotions seem to run ramped when I am wide awake, no sleep to over take me. The demons like to come out and play then. The darkness is their playground and they will never pass up an opportunity to come out and play well with others.

I cry over you, you and you. The confusion when you left, the emotional wreck you put me in and the heartache when I lost my best friend. Three times I have fell in love and three pieces of my heart forever taken with one of them. One day I could see myself never loving another soul ever again. I may as well be a stone figure perched upon a grave, forever crying. I have nothing left to give to anyone.  I am emotionally numb.

I am falling back into my native roots. My old friends are knocking at my door, wanting to come in so badly. They want to help me. Help take all the pain away, but the reason why I don’t let them in is because once they’re in, they will never leave. Last time a miracle happened and they left but I know if I let them in for a second time, they will just barricading themselves in one of my rooms. So, I let them keep knocking. Their knocking begins soft, slow with sweet words escaping the lips of lies, but over time they start to get louder, stronger and harsher words. They scream now. I do my best to ignore them by distracting myself with other things but it doesn’t work. Curled up in the fetal position on the floor farthest from the door now, I clasp my ears shut with my quacking hands. Pleading to God that he keeps me strong.

Kayleidh. The name repeats several times with in my head, over and over. My day seems to just drag by in such a fashion that I think I may start to go insane. Thinking of the years I will be missing watching you grow.. kills me. It tears my heart apart, ripping it so painfully slowly.  I remember the day you were born, your first words, walk, friends you made at church. I hold the very few pictures I have of you, dear to my heart. I cry dry tears for you when I am numb. I know the truth about your real father. How he beat your mother, my aunt, when she was pregnant with you. How when you were barely three months old he threw **** at you, spit in my mothers face while protecting you in one of his drug rages. How we had to steal your mother and you in the night from him to save the both of your lives. But whats funny about that, I bet your mother will never tell you any of this. She will pin my family as the ‘bad guys’ and feed you lies.

To bend, to twist and warp your mind into something you can not define. That is their purpose, they want to blind those that can see. To see the truth behind the lies, to read the word that shows the light, is the very thing they wan us disbelievers to feed on to others. To feed onto me, they want to show the very truth we want to see.

Not the truth that is meant to be. Our minds have melted into nothing but mush and gush that can never be rebuilt, or saved from the very thing we fear to this day.

Insanity.

They want to immobilize us, control us for they know we are all weak human beings. With envy and lust, this is how they take hold of us. Using this to our disadvantage. Telling us we are nothing, yet we know everything. That they are instilling and drilling into our brains. they are scared and fear, that we will rise and fight and start a new revolution.

People take for granted the fact that they are breathing.
They have lungs that work every second of the day.
They have eyes that can see the colors of their lovers own eyes staring back at them.
They can move and have the choice to hike a rocky mountain for hours.
They have hands that can feel the silk skin of that of a new born baby.
They have a nose that can smell a summer's rain.
A brain, to which they can make their own decisions with.
Yet, we take for granted what we have been blessed with.
As my chest rises and falls every second, I stop to wonder at times
"Could this be my last?"
But even if it was, at least I stopped to give knowledge to the fact that
I was blessed enough to take those breaths.

It starts out slow.
So very, slow.
A simple word, name or action just flips my switch.
Starts from my toes, a slight vibration.
Spreads up my legs at a mind-numbing pace.
It heads to my groin, making me twitch with a bit of pleasure and pain.
Then heads to my stomach, making me *****.
Here comes the chest next.
One lung, two lungs and next the heart.
Oh, the heart.
What a fragile thing..
I sag over, my body limp but then comes the jolt of needles piercing the thing.
Tears start their way down my cheeks.
One. By. One.
They escape.
My voice cries such a scream, like a animal in pain.
Ripping the clothes from my very body, I curse your name to the Heavens.
To love you was enough agony to carry the rest of my life.

I hate to admit such a thing a loud.
Do I dare say it..?
Dare say such words that will crumble me again.
Destroy the very being I have worked so hard to rebuild?
You don't deserve these ******* words.
But, no matter how hard I try to remove and destroy the memories of you,
these words just ooze from my very lips.
A cut so deep that no wrap, tape, clothe of any kind could stop the gush.
Starting with my heart, it continues up through my throat,
to my mouth,
through my lips,
to the ground where your very feet stand.
I look up to you, looking in your eyes as you stare down to the cesspool I just delivered.
My heart jumps the giant leap.
Waiting for your answer..

I

Never

Stopped

Loving

You

I dont feel at ease, for it is watching me at the very moment while i am writing. It has been with me since the very beginning and with each passing day, I start to go insane.  For if I was to tell you these next things aloud, you would lock me up and miss place the key, never to hear from me.

Its figure is of a human that, you could never see for it is darker then the deepest oceans. Its presence can **** a man, for the intoxicating thing is brings. You can barely breath, for it suffocates and leaves behind a lingering want to be the very thing it can never be.

Human.

Its red, blood eyes pierce straight into my soul. For it knows things I could never hold. For I was built to feel and they were built to know, things we are incapable of ever knowing.

You may think I am made, for thinking such things with in my head. But, let me tell you this..
Every word I speak and preach is the very truth. For I have seen such things with my very eye, and I have heard such cries from the world below, and I have held such things upon my shoulders no human could ever hold.

My heart has been stolen, my love has been taken yet, I feel no connection or affection. I weep tears of sorrow for I know that I will never see where my heart will jump to tomorrow.

I want you and only you, for I feel so at home when I sleep next to you. Why cant I just fully commit to you? Love the very being of you?

My head is throbbing, my mind is blinded by the very thing I do not wish to see. I want him out, out, out, out, so I can finally breath. I wish to live, I wish to flee from the very thing I do not wish to see bleed.

To love him so dearly yet, to push him further into sea.. I want to turn away from the'.

A blanket of confusion seems to cloak me, as I try to decide which future I want for me.

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