It's the quiet times when I grow weak
No work to do
No food to eat
There's nothing left, so I try to sleep
But that's when the insomnia settles in
And withdrawal symptoms start again
Even so, I close my eyes
I say a prayer and try to devise
How best to live a fulfilling life
Is it alone, or with a wife?
Perceptions once so crystal clear
But it was all just smoke and mirrors
Tossing, turning, I do implore
Knowing what was, is nevermore
I thought I'd had it figured out
Yet I find myself entrenched in doubt
Looking young but feeling old
It's so ******* hot yet I feel so cold
They say once bitten leaves us shy
And it's that that makes me want to cry
Knowing who and what I am
I'm scared of being used again
So here I sit, tired and alone
Not wanting drugs, but I hear their drone
Offering me their sweet escape
I'd like to stop
It's not too late.

8/11/22

I am mighty
I am man
Running roughshod across the land.

I am strength
With no remorse
Like death upon a pale horse.

I am reviled
I am feared
I'm the pain that society has reared.

I am broken
I can't feel
All alone, and left to deal.

8/9/22

Integrity,
The death of me.
An empathetic dichotomy.

Gaslit,
Narcissist.
I loved you more than I'll admit.

Feeling Abandoned,
Left alone.
Echoing thoughts that tend to drone.

Far too sensitive,
My heart, I'll drown again.
As toxic thoughts start to transcend.

Internal screams,
Decaying dreams.
Pragmatism, on my knees.

Tired.
Weary.
Heavy.
Dreary.
Difficulty seeing clearly.

Beaten.
Bruised.
Tattered.
Abused.
My empathy, once more, misused.

Trepidation.
Meditation?
Ego death by self-medication.

Culminating fears,
The weight of years.
Cleansing soul in deluge of tears.

A guiding light?
I cower in fright.
Yet I'll keep going, in veil of night.
Driven, purely, out of spite.

06/29/22

I reminisce as I expire
Of days of glory, of days of ire

Of wasted time, of lazy days
Of life events that shaped my ways

Of lavish *** and time well spent
Of lonely days and times I've wept

Of decisions made and paths I've walked
Of victories, losses, and what they've wrought

Of those I've slighted, of those I've loved
Of those I didn't but should've hugged

And of my body,
... grown weak and ill

(It's coming now, I feel the chill)

Of things forever incomplete

(Quiet now, it's time to sleep)

Of my mother, of my friends

(Hush now child, embrace the end)

Of things I won't and never will

Hoping my life was one fulfilled.

Sept / Oct/ Nov 2019

At wits' end,
he overextends,
as time was running low.
Yet his mind devised,
through blood-shot eyes,
a way to end his woes.

A chance, perhaps,
by happenstance,
to finally take control.
On a sliver of hope,
while dreams eloped,
an endeavor to mend his soul.

As the stars aligned,
the gods divined,
and the man would have his chance.
Through foreign lands,
devoid of plans,
on a razor's edge he danced.

Now settling in,
the outlook; grim,
... but was it all for naught?
As he looked in the mirror,
t'wasn't man, but his fear -
the demon he had sought.

Now face to face,
his heart; it raced,
but he knew what he must do.
He gazed inside,
and began to cry,
for the demon that he slew.

Though beaten and broken,
within him awoken,
a soul now free of strain.
With time to cleanse,
with himself - make amends,
no longer a life in vain.

And over time,
he's clear of mind,
seeing beauty in his days.
The ironic part,
is within his heart,
he still finds comfort in the Grey.

09/30 - 10/01
2018

There's a place that I can go,
A familiar place that no one knows.
A place tucked deep inside my heart.
A place so cold, a place so dark.
A place I go from time to time.
A place I go to watch things die;

Dreams
Ambitions
Love
& Hope

I know a place where few can cope.

A place your mind will often stray.
A place you go to get away.
A place where screams are all around.
A place where help cannot be found.
A place where all your pain is stored.
A place so strong you can't ignore.

I know a place... you can't escape.

It's all consuming.

Just you wait.

09/25 - 10/01
2018

A daughter is born, a gift from the heavens, begets new mother in 87'
And though she loved, though she reared, despite the fights, in spite of tears, knowing not, then out of time, a darkness spawned and intertwined.

And over time, the darkness grew, a mother's daughter born anew, and though she tried to intervene, to stop the spread, to cure disease, her fate would deem it wasn't so, yet the hardest part was letting go. Her child lost, though still right there, but reaching out was like grabbing air.

Now lost to us, this shattered mind, a sprouting bud she left behind.
A gift she gave though darkness wrought, such light and joy this bud has brought. And with this light here cometh hope, this bud to nurture, and ways to cope. Our little bud, with flames inside, on streaks of lightning our MaVi rides.

And while her daughter she'll not forget, a mother holds so much regret, for missing signs, for losing reigns, fret not Mãe, you're not to blame. And though I know the pain's still there, an empty void, it isn't fair, and while the answers I have not, my love to give is all I've got. For now, as family, we can only pray, and hope our Amanda finds her way.

12/23/2017