years
of shedding tears

remembering

you walking out the door

many nights of walking the floor
with the memories of how we were before

it's been twenty years
of being on my own
so many
since
i have known
none
making it to my home

it's been twenty years
of alone
of waiting by the phone
of disappointing moans
of the possabilites thrown

it's been twenty years
of wondering
if I cross their mind
like they do mine
of waiting for the smallest sign

it's been twenty years
of my deepest fear
year after year
that the end is near
my hopes will disappear
i again will never hear

it's been twenty years
of pain
of taking all the blame

But
I would not have anyone else
I'd  rather be by myself

Again I am headed toward the door
Thinking I cannot take it anymore
But right before
I turn around
She is setting on the floor
Crying
Telling me
There will never be anyone else
I had rather be by myself
It's not easy
We are going to hate each other at times
Baby your mine
Love is hard to define
Don't give up
Don't stop trying
Our love is not dying
Come back now
We will figure out how
Stay
Don't leave
It's not easy
But
In us, I believe
I shut the door
Baby
We have to change what was before
It's not easy
But
I would not have anyone else
I'd rather be by myself

Church
Where you should go to confess your sins
A place I have hardly been
I have had no real cause
It has been hard for me to follow those good laws
Yes, I guess a real dog
Of why, I do not have a long monologue
With the preacher I have never had a dialogue
God knows !!
Something that I chose
Living within the Devil's shadow
That was then
This is now
It's Sunday
Oh Lord my God when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
When Christ shall come
With a shout of acclaimation
To take me home what joy shall fill my heart
Then I shall bow in humble adoration
And there proclaim my God how great thou art
Then sings my soul my savior God to thee
How great thou art
It's Sunday
!!

To stop all the fuss
Slow, there is no reason to rush
To stop making to much of stuff
It's time we
reach out an touch
each other
Forgiving one another
Remembering we are all sisters and  brothers
Start showing love to the other
Just like you would to your mother  
Not someday
but here and now
Not asking how
Making a vow
For us all to allow
Not forgetting
To smile at each other
Not forgetting  
This place is  for all of us
It's time we learn
Bridges we should not burn
The tables need to be turned
It's time for all us
To stop being afraid of each other
To
Just  
Love
One another
!!

at the start
childhood sweethearts
never were we apart
saving ourselves
playing it smart

now all grown up
saying our vows

it was great
at the start
now nothing but fights
cannot stand the other in our sight
doing things out of spite
sleeping apart at night
in public acting like everything was alright
while thinking of our legal rights

it was great
at the start
we both said
i was yours
you were mine
it was not just a line
now so many signs
we are not fine
through all this time
how could have we been so blind

it was great
at the start
now alone
how could have we known

it was great
at the start

Why
Do people judge
And
Think it is their job
To
Presume
And
Judge
And
Someone's life
They
Do not care to
Smudge
Those people who
Judge
To me
Are nothing but
Sludge
If you judge
I will
Hold a grudge
Judging
To me
Is hatred
It's no one's
Job to
Judge
Because there is
Only one
Judge

Then I will know that I have won
All I need
One that does not care what I have done
One that does not care about my past
Just one that knows the past does not ever last
The past is the past  
One that does not care that I have cried
One that loves all my sides
Just one that knows there is nothing that I would hide
and
Yes, I have  lied
One that knows that I have tried
One that I can confide (in)
One that will not allow our lives to collide
and  
That will never allow our love to divide
Just one that loves me
and
when ask it will not be denied
One that understands that I have a lot of pride
Just one that knows that I will always provide
and
One that will not take forever to decide
One, when they see me they will not sigh
Just one that will look at me eye to eye
One that will not run to the other side
If I  should ever try to commit suicide
One that understands that I may break their heart
and
would never allow it to tare us apart
Just one that would be smart in taking care of our two hearts

Just one that would call and ask.
How are you Mark??

Just one
ONLY ONE
!!

Living life slow
With
Not a lot mojo
It's people so miss understood
Pregnant and barefoot
Sorry, this is not textbook
We don't have a lot of neighborhoods
Something better
A lot of woods
Filled with flowering dogwoods

Grew up learning about manhood
and Womanhood
Taught
To stand with our neighbors
We should
and  
We just would

Family feuds
None, as along as you pay your dues
Excluding
The Hatfield's and the McCoy's
We all know about their attitudes

We love our Whiskey
Our Makers and heaven hill
and our  moonshine  
how mighty fine

Spend our days
In the fields
Sometime wadding in the mud
Where we had just dug
Tug!
Maybe loose our shoes
All we do is shrug

We speak with a southern draw
We call our mom, maw
We call our dad, paw
By the time we start to craw
And we consider everyone ya all
Kentucky
Where the stars shine bright
Where everything is just right
And everything is alright

!!

"Hello"
That is all it takes
To cause a smile
Going the extra mile
Every once in awhile
Nice to hear
"A Thank you"
"How are ya"?
Up lifting it's the way we all should be  
It starts with you and me
After years of it's me, it's me all about me
It's time to be
"Kinder"
Taking off the blinders
"People" this is a simple reminder
To make a strangers day finer
Something so simple so miner
Just to be a little "Kinder"
No one should ever be treated as an outsider
We need to be the provider
Of all words "Kinder"
Close the gap of this world being wider
It's starts with you and me
To be "Kinder"
Drop the dividers
Our minds we need to reconfigure
After all these years
"Go figure"!!
All it takes is us to be "Kinder"
"Change"
Wait' a minute
This reminder of being "Kinder"
It starts with me
!!

I have a loving side
I have a kind side
I have a mean side
I have a silent side
I have a loud side

I had a straight side
I had a gay side
I had a bi side

Poor, been on that side
Rich, been on that side
Homeless, I have seen that side

Single I had that side
Relationships I have had all sides

Bad boy one of my sides
Country boy loved that side
City boy another side

I had a healthy side
I have had my sick side
I have had an alcoholic side
Some drugs on the bad side  

I have had a smart side
a
Dumb side

Know me
and all of my sides
I have only been
me
myself
and
I
!!

In my sleep
In my dream
Heavens team
I could plainly see
they came to me
Daddy was there
Grandpa and Grandma
Aunts and uncles to
To give me a preview
Of heavens realm
They grab my soul
and off we go
Weaving through the clouds
high and low
Then we slow
There for me to view
The pearly white gates
Streets of gold
Must have been one heck of a look
on my face
In his full grace
There God stood
It's all good
Guess what
He is not dead
He was greeting everyone
No one fled
Next thing I knew
I was laying, wide awake, in my bed
was I asleep
was it in my dream
Smiling
No matter
I found out
God is not dead

Last night
!!

By this beautiful woman I would call a swan
so graceful swimming in her pond
gorgeous feathers of blond
A lady from beyond
At the light of every dawn
She would be gone
Never admitting or committing
to our goings-on
But my love, she does not know is so
forgone
Whereupon I have become her pawn
everyday starting at dawn
Even though I am still so drawn
Because of her you would not believe the changes
that I have undergone
Never have I felt such a bond
with this
she will never respond
Some day she will correspond
with a letter
Then I will become a
Dear John
Signed:
Your beautiful blond
!!

shhh..
quite

Things were just not right

Last night

In plan sight

The eyes do not lie

How can you act surprised

This we can never survive

Our demise

How many other guys

Our love

Why would you jeopardize

It has been brutalized

How dare you agonize

It's to late too analyze

Do not promise

And

Ask for another try

When you know it's all lies

Last night my love died

I can not try

I will not cry

I thought our love was tight

For it
I can not fight

Not for the next day
Live to make the most of your lives
Please tell me you do not live to get pay
Just to turn around and give it away
Spending  all your time on the freeway
On your cell phones
Just to keep up with the people named  Jones
or
Keeping yourself in debt with all your loans
Who says you can't throw stones
At the end of your day sharing nothing
but your moans and groans
Making excuses of why it's all worth it  
Your salary is worth more then the reality ?

"Gee"!

Go on a big spending spree !!
Go ahead buy one more pair of Ray-bans
Show everyone that you can '
Work really hard for that pension plan
That sure will make you better than
You call that a life's plan?
Your master plan?
Jumped right into that frying pan

Live
to
Live
!!

**** !!
Life is to short to be sappy
Every day does not have to be ******
BE HAPPY !!
Moment to moment
Day to day
BE BRAVE!!
**** being gray!!
Go ahead and stray
Find a way to  
PLAY, PLAY,PLAY
Yell "Hey"
Soak up the suns rays  
**** THAT WORD NEIGH
Sing like the blue jay
Life is to **** short to delay
Everyday is not doomsday
A "HEYDAY"
With lots of foreplay
Make some headway
Lots of horseplay
On Friday
On Saturday
REST ON SUNDAY
Start over on
Monday
Continue on Tuesday
More on Wednesday
Smiling on Thursday
Sing that song on the freeway
Don't stop when you pull into the driveway
MIDAY ALL DAY !!
"BE GAY"
Live Your Life And Be
HAPPY
!!

Only you can deny
WHY

Being different
Why would you disguise
Hide it behind the eyes
Drown it in cries
Suppress it
And let it die
Despise it
Why agonize over it

Living a lie
Being different
Only you can deny
WHY

Rise
Rise
Rise
Being different
What a
Prize

To be
!!

The will to thrive
Trying to survive
It is not a test-drive
It's about living and being alive
Maybe you just need to be revived
Staying alive
While taking a nose dive
You need drive
When needed, taking five
Living and being alive
You owe no one an alibi
I hope you realize
Never no need to apologize
Do not be terrified
You should not be deprived
Living and being alive
Then wait for the surprise
You will not be denied
Just satisfied
Living and being alive
Willingly it will provide
Even in your demise
While living and being alive
Your rules, you only need to abide by
Live
While
Living
Then
You
Will
Be
Alive
!!

It's been such a long time
It seems like, my whole life time
It's been a long time since everything was alright
And the sun shined bright  
Hell !!
No one ringing my bells
Not under anyone's spell

Hotel after hotel
Oh well !!
So many different girls
Fake blonds and died brunettes
Bad girls
You know the kind, that would never ware pearls  
Even some guys along the way
Please do not tell
Now do you understand my hell
Those **** pills
Waking up in landfills

I have changed my ways

Waking up in a ****** hotel
His picture was staring at me
It was meant to be
As I stared back at  him
I ask, where have you been
I have been asking for you, for a long time
I am at my end
I am worn thin

I started looking within
He promised me better days
I promised him I would change my ways
He whispered in my ear, " I am hear to stay"
The very next day
No more ****** hotels
No more pills
No more waking up in landfills
No more bad girls
Only the one's that ware pearls

That picture of our lord
Pulled me out of my

LIVING HELL

Where time went by slow
Where we used a scarecrow
To make sure the corn
would grow

Where the grandkids
jumped in the back of grandpa's
beat up truck
Making it to the house with lots of  luck
Where grandma had a scratch white cake
that she had just baked

Where we fished using a cane pole
Down at Charlie's hole

Where we rode the horse with a string bridle
Never used saddle

Where our summer was spent breaking beans
Wearing holes in our jeans
At night driving around town in our four-wheeler machines
Being a little clean

Where after Sunday church
We had a family dinner
Moms *** roast was a winner

Where computers did not keep us from getting bored
We had country chores

Where on Saturday you took a trip to town
to the tractor supply store
Dad gave us a dollar to spend
Fun running  into your friends

Where the roads were not filled by cars
Where at night you could actually see the stars
Where the land as far as you could see
was ours

Living in the Country

sweet love

sweet love

i can no longer trust

so long now

i have been alone

stayed hiding inside my home

after it failed

the first time

the second

and the third

i am burned

knowing

that i would never let it return

buried my heart deep in dust

for me

there would never be an us

bound by chains of fear

it's crystal clear

love

i would never trust




again

One of a kind???

To be undermined
As this earth is redesigned
by so called masterminds
The future predefined
becoming unaligned
and a lot less kind
The direction does not have to be underlined
The evils has all combined
To define the fate
of Mankind
The divine it seems
confined
Mankind has lost it's  faith
Now it's only about cyberspace
So much time with this we waist  
Is it upper case or lower case
is it in the database ???
It will be the down fall of the human race
You wait!!
Can't you see how it dominates
It will detonate
Mankind
As we overpopulate
We need to reevaluate
the direction of
Mankind
!!

" Stimulation of ones genitals or another  
resulting in ******"
How could that be an abomination ??
for me
an
"Acceleration"
with downward
"migration"
With lots of exploration
and
"stimulation"
With dreams and fascinations
of
"*******"
Self exploitation
and
"Gratification"
with new innovations
maybe a little *******
Nothing wrong with group participation
and
experimentation
some change of ****** orientation
With lots of anticipation
and
determination
**** for visual sensation  
Lots of perspiration
Even hotter with verbalization
nothing in moderation
Both hands moving in unification
with different combinations
self examination
Breath quickening with each
expiration
Waiting for
the ******
and it's
donation!
!!
:)

I pray
He watches over you where ever
you may go
I pray
He blesses everyone that you may know
I pray
He provides you with lots of silver and gold
I pray
He will keep you warm and out of the cold
I pray
He will touch your soul rather you are
young or old
I pray
Your faith in him, you will uphold
I pray
His miracles you will not withhold
but you will behold  
I pray
If your about to fall you will look up to him
and not fold
I pray
You will accept him as your friend until
the end
I pray
All your love you will send
to your enemies and no longer will you offend
but they you will befriend
I pray
A helping hand you will extend
in this weary world where no one rejoices
I pray
His word you will always defend
I pray
When you look to the east
and you see that star
you will  remember "daily"
Born - was - the - King of Israel
I pray  
Each and everyone of you have a safe and
MERRY CHRISTMAS
!!

Sirens went off in my head
My brain had bled
After I had you in bed
I knew I just should have fled
But no, I stayed,  instead

We started this and I/we lived so far away
Missing you
All I can do Is lay around and fill lonely
You know that way
You feel when the one you love is so far away
And never around

If I don't see you soon and again
So afraid that there could be other men
You know those guys who look like Barbie's Ken
That have nothing on their mind but to get you back to their den

The phone calls are not enough
I have to feel your touch
I need it after that first night
And you were such a delight
You know all you have to do ask
I will catch the next flight

What are we waiting for
All we need to do is agree
There is no reason we should be an absentee

After months the phone calls stopped
I am going out of my mind
How could I have been so blind

No one loved me I thought like you
I guess every love you pay some dues
I can't stand the pain of not being with you
There is no more reason
With all this treason

I just shut my eyes
There will never be life or love
for me anymore.......

Do me a favor
Will you remember the night that we

MET
!!

Thinking of you
The night to get through
Thoughts, they are confused
They have consumed
My mind
So many they are not defined
Torcher
So unkind
Why do they, have to remind
The day, of your decline
The day, you left mankind
The day, of leaving me behind
Ending my time
With my partner in crime
Midnight (awake)
At nighttime
In the light shine
Shadows
Not a figment of mind
A sign
That I find
You are here
Can still hear
When I whisper
" my dear "
Midnight (awake)
Laying here
Holding back the tears
Absences of you
Being near
Years
Of waiting
For you to
Magically reappear
Midnight (awake)
Hoping the door opening
To my death is
Near
!!

I have made a few
Sadly one of those was you
Yes it is true
How could I like all the things you did and do
I have made a list for you
There will be nothing new
No need for you to go through and pick and choose
It reminded me to
Of all the things that were said and done
Childish games!!
We are no longer young
You know what they say
"If it's to good to be true"
It usually is
I cannot figure out why your love never grew
What happened is not the picture In my mind I drew  
This mistake, it will stew
It will be awhile before my heart beats or even moves
Mistakes you cannot just undue
Do not misconstrue
This dream did not come true
The mistake "yes" it was you
!!

If I had it, where would I go??
More then likely I would spend it on more blow
Hey, bro
you got a penny that you could let go ??
That I could turn into some money and gold
Really, to me it's just dough
I am not like other people that use it for show
I want my life slow
I really don't care
Some people would ask why would you dare
not care
I would say
Not having it makes me very aware
That's very fair
I am not about flair
I am not into what I ware
Does not bother me If my shirt has a tare
What I want??
What I need??
For me it's just about meeting my needs
Well!!
Maybe having enough to buy a little ****
Yep, without seed
To many people take and take
What a mistake
They are nothing but a bunch of flakes
Wasting  their money and gold on steak
It's all about what they make
Shallow
These people with money and gold
Thank God I will never be one of those
!!  
"Living life slow"
"Without money or gold"
I am just a wanna be Poet !!

You have to be able to feel it
Beat after beat
Be a strong
SONG
Nothing about it can be discreet  
It just has to beat
It has to be alive
"Jive"
It cannot deprive
Needs to
"Thrive"
Drive you crazy
It cannot be lazy
Needs to make your head bounce !!
Every word heavily pronounced
Loudly announced
Make you want to hit the floor
and
"Dance"
"Prance"
Not stand with that I am a model stance
It's got to make you want to take a chance
Make you jump
Put you into a trance
Your senses it has to enhance
!!

Letting go of all my things

Living
In the moment
Seeing what life brings
Living
Where you can actually hear
the birds sing
Walking in my bare feet
Not on concrete
Living
Where there is dirt streets
Where you can see the sky and earth meet
Feeling the suns heat
Living
In my one room suite
Where the animals are the elite
Raising what I eat
Using a log as my seat
Living
Where I do not have to impress
Where everyday is not a repeat
Where I do not have to compete
Evereyday feeling content and complete
Living
Where very few as walked through
Where there is trust in you
Living
Where not many have stood
Miles and miles of woods
Where living is pure and good
Living
Making things from my  hands
Knowing it will stand
Where everyday is not planned
Living
Where you can take a clean breath
Where
You can take a rest

my biggest fear
is right here
so close
and very near
it did not just appear
nothing was clear
everyday so unclear
my fear
over time
my mind engineered
manifest itself through the years
continue living
do I dare
I have/had nothing to share
I am baffled
I am disgraced here
this fear
will never
has never
disappeared
my fear
cannot heal
its very real
maybe the devils deal
never concealed
what do I feel
my fear
of
me
!!
its real

My fear
Of no one ever loving me again
Love is something everyone needs
Including me
This is not a poor me
Just something about me
You see, there is no difference in me
My heart as well bleeds
I should take the lead
Then vulnerable I would be
Something I cannot be
I have been there you see
And
It just about destroyed me
That need
That is what stops me, to proceed
I have learned how and became content with
it just being me
Caused by my one true love leaving me
Because there was something else that they needed
Unfortunately that need was not me
Believe me I did not agree  
I have no trust left in me
Nor love to give from me
So my fear has become my reality
I am lying here in bed
With no one next to me
Of course I have the fly byes
But
No one that I can look deep into their eyes
No prize
Maybe I should try
But then why should I lie
I have never been able to forget
or forgive

My fear
Is really not being able to love
again
!!

So the Doc's all say
Soon it will just stop
and
I will drop

Feeling fear knowing that my death is near
They could not have made it anymore clear
That it will happen
I may not see the next year
So living to make this year
A great year
I will for sure persevere

My real fear
Is not having my family near

Every time the pain hits
I think " Well this is it"
This time it will quit

Some will question
Why are you writing this
Just trying to keep my wit

With the thoughts of my impending death
Knowing that I will soon take my last breath
Scares me to death

So they say only the good die young
My saving grace
And
My heart does embrace

!!

the weapon lay at my side
the hand written guide
i do not think
to decide
no divide
not mortified
or
horrified
thoughts, justified
the black crow
flies
slowly shutting the eyes
the light subsides
i
die
do not ask why

A Presences
of me
what I want to be
I could
I would
I should
I would've
I could've
I should've
only me
within my boundaries
with no contradictions
with no expectations
me
no need to be anything
but
I had rather have rags
then riches
I could've
Rather be the fire
then the wood
I would
Rather be the flower
then the seed
If I could
Rather be the truth
then the secret
I should've
Rather be me
I could
I would
I should
I could've
I would've
I should've
been me!

after i slip away into the dark space
into the unknown place
after my end
remember, the look on my face
on the day of our first place
not the sick face
remember, my strong beating heart
not the fading part
remember, my soft touch to your face
not the times
that i could not reach up, to touch that smiling face
because i was in a bad place
remember, when i would lay with you
the warmth
remember, the lighter times
not the darker times
the times that were only yours and mine
remember, all the joy
not this sorrow
remember, our time is borrowed
we are not promised tomorrow
remember, my love
lasted the whole time i was on this earth
and
it will last beyond my re-birth
remember, i had no fears
do not cry
do not shed tears
remember, i am just in a different place
i will always be watching over that smiling face
remember
i was sorry
i could not stay
and
it was meant to be this way
!!

My ray of sun
You took me to a place that made me not want to run
My wall came down and I did not put up a fight
Now only good thoughts fill my night
Don't mind taking a risk of being seen in the light
Can feel your embrace
In all and every place
How could something so great be a disgrace
Can never be displaced
It has to be embraced
This love no more dangerous
More like contagious
Just something in your voice
Something in your choice
Something in your smile
That makes me want to take this the full mile
The people looking in are the only ones that need to be in denial
It will never be disallowed
To the highest cloud
In the largest crowd
They will hear me proclaim the love that I have
I will be very loud
They will know that I am proud
About this love that I will always allow

MY LOVE

This is my vow!