Dear Alex,
I awoke into this world with a broken heart, that's the problem. Not you. I won't ever remember  a day before because I've always been like this. Not fragile, just broken. I was okay with just ******* you but I won't ever be able to handle your feelings on top of mine. For the first night ever, I slept at a guy's house, didn't **** him, let him cuddle me even when I was sober, even when my skin felt like it was on fire, spent the day with him and listened to his thoughts and it made me want to cry or puke or cut myself straight down the middle and pull out my soul and replace it with someone else. Someone better. Someone more human. But instead I laid there curled into you and tried not to cry because you needed it from me. But I could already feel it. I could already feel myself sinking away from you. And my head. Oh my beautiful head. It kept telling me, "Don't do this don't do this don't do this." But my heart. My nasty heart. It kept humming, "To who?" Very still. Very still. But then you started tracing your fingers down my skin and it started to feel like it was crawling away from me. From you. And so I told my heart and head, "it's already done." And I left. And when you kept calling and texting and asking me I was ok because you cared, I threw my phone at the wall in front of me after sending "I am toxic." I can't handle your care. It's a bit ****** for me to say but I can't handle anyone's care. And **** I miss you. I miss getting so high with you that my head felt heavy but after I left you, I spent three days in the fetal position under a pink blanket trying not to cry. You took all of me that night. And you didn't even do anything. You were just there. Please don't hate me but dear god please don't love me either.

you've got a butterfly melting
on the tip of your tongue and the
crisp of your grapefruit skin
pores through the pours of my
sponging fingers and I had a dream-
starstruck and set on a milky night
that you came to me between the bridges
of a canopied lens, lungs pink with passion,
lips parsed and ready, I set my eyes along
the rings of your chest and waited for it's
plate to aliven, deep breaths heaving up
and down as my cheeks glow hollow,
I touched the rim of his golden
wire framed glasses as he wiggled the
bridge of his nose, struggling to
keep them afloat as they draped and I
asked him, "How old are you, ***?"
as I dusted the blades of my shoulders,
"I lost count," he said,
eyes dimming against the background
of the setting sun, "I lost count 'cause you see,
from my point of view, it feels as though
I've been alive for an eternity."

on a night like tonight
when everything feels
just a little more dismal
than any other, i find myself
missing the way the moon
embraced the slant of my
cresting back. some days,
i sit back and i think about
how sorry i am for hurting you
or if my decisions hurt me
more than they did you

some days i can't help but wonder,
how in heaven's name i was dumb
enough to walk away from all that i had with you. i wait not for your demise
but my very own against your
desires and pleas, if i could symphony you a tale of my dire dissatisfaction of my
daily life, i'd stand upright against
this shallow wall they've built
to help me stay upright and ready

some days, i waft, face drowning
in an ocean of dissatisfaction
waiting for something new or old
to shrug my slumped shoulders awake.

i am not yours to keep

I don't know why these parents let their kids roam and wander  about these streets
sodden with heat and cold air, legs drumming against tarred roads with figure
stick legs, quietly breaking, but we don't hear the pop, us watch-and-go tapers. I don't known why these parents let their
kids wander the night balancing on seeds
of beads, eyes red-rimmed and hungry,
I don't know why these parents let their kids roam and wander about these streets

I've found a way to slip him into my bed, hidden between my sheets of smoke, blue beyond mountains and his words fray- a cigar burning lazy against my tongue.

"let him fall asleep between your lips," they say, "and when he wakes, feed him."