mariana

mariana 3d

peril and thematic events, at twenty two

it’s been a while
i never though i’d write again
let’s catch up shall we?
theres been a job i held for three years
theres a new job i love doing now
theres a want to move out and get a place of my own
theres a car that i’m in love with
theres a semester thats been finished
a few more to go

there was a guy
and another
and another
theres one right now, i really like him

there were a few pregnancy scares with the last guy
who was clearly not capable of being a father
(especially after i really sat down and thought about how much of an ******* he is)
there were lies and fights

but theres these three women and one man
that have had my back for the past two years
oh how i love them!
roman, andrea, jasmine, alexis
they light up my life
theres been drunk nights out
theres been dancing
some crying, breaking down, deep conversations
there was some hiking and parties
i would do anything for them

there was some grieving
my father
there were a lot of fights, yelling, breaking things
there were 5150s
then there was
nothing
there was a lot of crying
a lot of days taken off work
a funeral
there was an anger towards my mother because she didn’t show up

but then there was calm
there was realizing everything was going to be okay
there was a good feeling, a grand hope
there was letting go and trusting myself

there wasn’t anymore attempts to take my own life
there wasn’t anymore alcohol abuse
all the things i was doing when i was eighteen
i’m twenty two now, happy, proud, content

there was a lot of realization
there’s still going to be a lot of realization
there’s going to be a lot of growing
a lot of struggling, torment, and sacrifice
but i will get there
i am happy
but i will be even more happy
i will get there.

mariana Apr 2022

peril and thematic events, reimagined

this house isn’t mine
it isn’t ours
but how lovely and cozy it is
i sit here alone in a room
i call it mine but it isn’t mine
what a fool am i
it repeats in my head
except when soft rains fall

the thrill of being sheltered in his arms

how can i miss something that isn’t mine
how can i hold it a bit longer
in my small hands
all the more space to slip through
slip away
and never come back

“how was work?”
i never know how to answer that simple question
its always alright
its always okay
days go by
i still don’t know the answer

my nails broken and body tired
what should i do
should i turn to you?
im on the edge of a cliff

i still dont know what to do

pour toi

mariana Oct 2021

life right now

everything can slow down
but even if it does i will still be able to see you
i will see into your so called fragile soul
i will zoom into your small fingerprints
how dainty and fragile they are
i will hold them for as long as possible
our hands
meant to hold each others

life right now is good
but it would be so much better with you
if i could hold you right now it would be so much better
if i could be looking into your eyes
your lovely brown eyes
oh how it would be a million times better
your beautiful soul
how honest and pure it is

how you didn’t want to hurt my feelings
how amazing everything is when we’re together
like we don’t need anything else
i know we don’t need anything else
the truth and love is all we will ever need
honesty and compassion
thoroughness and care
patience and time
it will come to us all

life right now could be worse
i know it would be worse if i never met you
if you never existed
i know i would be dead by now
its almost as if our lives were meant to grow next to each other

life destined how your soul would understand mine so well
the stars decided how much of a pair we would be
when my mind was stuck in a ditch
you were there to help me out
while i was burying things six feet under
and possibly more
you were there to dig it back up
you were my partner in crime

mariana Oct 2021

everybody wants to rule the world

its hard when people look the same
you cant tell them apart
even with your special telescope
its hard, its very hard
they all sound the same too
they smell the same
they all say the same things
they say they are special
they betray you
they talk about you behind your back
they hold your hand for a few minutes
and then they deny they ever did
people can be so cruel
so so cruel
they never consider your feelings
they want to take over this world with all their might
they will push no matter who to the side just to get what they want
so when everyone wants to rule the world
by themselves or with someone by their side
you can’t figure out what they really mean
if its a certain cry for help or just for show
with your freshly cut wound they find you vulnerable
they take advantage of you
they say they will take care of it
"it won't be that bad"
they promise

writing at the tea shop <3

mariana Oct 2021

thats just how it is

as she settled into her new place
piecing together everything she thought she needed
she came to the realization that she was lonely
so very lonely.
she searched for someone
anyone. anyone to be by her side
anyone who wanted to be her friend
he didn’t want what she wanted
but they both slowly fell in love
he said it first
she said it again and again
he repeated it for her every time

they went on adventures
they planned the impossible
well it wasn’t really completely impossible, but just for them at that specific moment in time
they were in love and wanted to be alone together
but they had to wait for it
they had to work hard for it
they wanted it so bad

when they argued, they knew how to mend everything
they knew what to do
she would explain her side
he would explain his side
they would meet in the middle
she thought she wasn’t enough
he thought he wasn’t enough
they met in the middle
they would always meet in the middle
that’s what made them perfect for each other
when they held hands, it just felt right
their bodies were meant to embrace each other, for they were each others missing puzzle pieces

but responsibility kept them apart
it took him away from her
she wasn’t complete without him
but they pushed forward together, apart
they managed at first
it was hard. it was really hard.
but love kept them together
until he wanted to focus on himself
he wanted to become a better person
she wanted to as well
so they grew up without each other

she still cries
she doesn’t know how he’s doing
she doesn’t know if he had a good day or not
she doesn’t know if he ate already
she misses him
she still loves him
but that’s just how it is
she’ll manage
he will too

at least she hopes he does.

the story of matthew and i.

mariana Oct 2021

the world has turned and left me here

i have not written for so long
for so so long
i have remained dead for so many months
i feel as if the world hates me
but in reality
i hate the world
i hate what it has done to me
i hate what it has given me
i hate what it has become
this is why i believe that
the world has turned and left me here

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 18)

my love
nothing can shake me off of you
I am the gray cloud that follows you around
yet also the ray of light that brightens up your day
think of me as someone who can
make something absolutely wonderful
and can also
break it down into a million pieces
you and I, my love
we’ve started this new chapter of our lives
a never ending one
who wants it to end?
we’ve come so far, baby
there are a million roads that can take us anywhere
just as long as I’m with you
I know for a fact that I’ll be okay.

no matter what,
I’ll always be with you

end.

Part 18/18. The End.