I am the last minute suitcase shoved full girl
I am the up for anything girl
Most importantly, I am the girl you hurt.
Now my heart is tearing in half like Jesus' bread at the last supper
and there are a thousand conversations going on saying things like,                                      "I can't believe she hasn't completely broken down yet, I would."
But I don't want you back because you left me bruised and broken
But I don't want you to be anyone else's
You never liked the idea of calling each other baby, “it was too possessive” you said
But at this point, every ounce of me is aching to hear you whisper, "I love you."
You were always so shy and I was always the social one
My heart has never felt fuller than when we were us
When I was yours, you were mine, we were us, and us was ours.
I hope you're happy, I really do. I hope your heart is still 60% in love with swimming, and 40% your mom's, because we all know there is no other man that can light up her world quite like you.
I hope you have fun in college, I hope you wake up not regretting anything. I hope breathing, getting out of bed, smiling and laughing is coming a lot easier for you than for me.
I remember the day you walked into my life, you were at swim practice. And so was I.
I don't say we or us anymore because it would force me to become a witness to my own emotions.
Hating you hurts me so much, but talking to you is like talking to the barrel of a loaded gun.
I've had glazed over eyes while looking all around me
Looking for any sort of trace of you,
It's like I am a CSI looking for a killer. I always hoped you would never be that killer but I have been proven wrong so many times I can't turn right any more. Only Left.
You: right-handed, tall, blonde hair, blue-eyed would have been saved by ******; I wouldn't have been so lucky. We used to joke about that.
Maybe I need you, or maybe I just think I do.
This is me dancing across the ocean of my emotions;
This is me dancing in front of you to a broken-hearted love song trying to remind you that I am here.
If I could write you a letter, it would say this:
Dear Love, I am yours, Love, Me.

A flower.
Opening up,
Seeing the sunlight.
For the first time.

Though it will not see the next spring,
It does its job,
And it does it well.

It's petals are frail,
But beautiful.
It can be broken,
But it's strong.

And as it's life nears the end,
It will slowly,
Gently,
Gracefully,
Crumble.
Until it is no more.

Next spring, another flower will repeat the process.
Like a horse,
Running in circles.

Year after year,
Month after month.
Retrieving sunlight,
Letting out beauty,
Wilting,
And crumbling to the ground.

A flower.
Opening up,
Seeing the sunlight.
For the first time.

I am drinking a beer
And waxing philosophical
On topics like war, and peace
Moby ****
White whales and insane old men
Reminds me of my grandfather
Which brings me to the topic
Of my grandmother
My Japanese grandmother
“coochi” grandma—our name for her
because her yellow skin hung in folds

I am drinking a beer
And the heavy feeling in my head makes me honest
And I am musing about my life and my father
Who has always been the magnet
To my compass
That I have worked so hard to deny
But my needle is true.

I am drinking a beer.
And thinking about my culture
And how I want to visit the bright
Streets of a Japan
That aren’t bright after those quakes
I am thinking about cleaning those streets
And holding the hard, cold men that have lost
Quiet, soft wives, until they are healed.

Teen angst poetry
dribbled in red pen.
Well, ideally.
I only have black type.

In fact, I never have experienced
teen angst. I only have
the perpetual piece of blackandred
corners me alone

The beast beneath my bed ceases
whenever daddy checks
but I never had a daddy
only a mommy valiantly battling the
blackandred demons her daddy
never scared away either.

and in the
end we feel nothing nothing can
touch us. We are the empty rusty
pail crying out from the Dripdripdrip of
our loneliness because no one comes in
because, in the foggy glass, no one can see each other
and coldandclammy jostling elbows
do Not touch- NeverNever

We hope the redhot heart of the
lovers we hold so closely will defrost
our windshields to the world and let in
Lightlovehopejoyhappiness
Contentment

AND THEN
I have hope enough
that the monsterinmycloset
cannot grip my dangling elbow. Hope that the steep
fall of bladeandblood and littleroundpills
Always stays a few feet away

I call and pray for stray sunbeams.

Later- I pull
out the quicksilver shards of glass
from my eyes and under my polluted
fingernails.
I shrug off their sodden coats.
I won't borrow burdens. Anymore.
So that my light may shine encore
Abeaconpillar of radiance
Est deus in nobis

You're dreaming of fairy tales that will never come true,
Would you really want them too?
Falling into fire
Keeps your chin up high,
Your feet flat on the ground
And your head in the sky.