To erase my mind of your memory
To alleviate the pain
To rid myself of your existence
What I'd give

I'd ****** you
But you'd still remain
Inside

To tell you exactly, specifically, precisely why I love you
I'd have to reinvent an alphabet, create a language, learn to sign
The feeling that bubbles within when I look into your eyes cannot be captured or explained

I feel like the world stops moving
My breath struggles leaving my lungs
All my fears, worries, washed away

What is so powerful about loving you
is the way you love me in return
I feel confident, unstoppable, beautiful
You tell all the dark parts inside to quiet
whispering, no shouting to them:
I am worthy of love

To be worthy is all that I have ever wanted,
needed,
cried for in the middle of the night

Although there is still so much to learn about each other
Adventures to be had, moments to share
I am giddy with anticipation
your love gives me strength
Replenishes me
Fulfills me

I have yet to really write down how I feel about you until now
I've been afraid words would take our magic away
I'd wake up one morning and realize is was a mere dream

You steal my chapstick with your kisses
Put up with my sassy abrasive nature
You encourage me to work
The way you look at me sometimes gives me the courage to begin to look at myself the same way

With your arms tightly around me, our legs intertwined, I begin to imagine what heaven could actually be like

When I'm with you, I say I love you honestly
Eeach time is unique.
I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have you
to be loved by you
every syllable is as sincere as the last

You make it okay
All the bad, dark, sorrow filled places within me that sometimes consume my light.
You accept those places,
You make me forget they even exist
You make my light shine brighter

We joke about my ego
but since you have been in my life, I feel okay
Even when I'm not, I know I will be.
Granted, it's not solely what you do for me but what you let me do for you
You allow me to love you
Accepting my love
welcoming it like you would a long lost friend
you do not turn and hide
you embrace me with arms open wide

It's magical
It's what I've waited for my whole life

What I spent so much energy convincing myself I could never have

It's everything that I'd ever want and more
It's love
It's life
It's you

Death.
I think about you often
My chest begins to tighten
Holding the thought still in my mind

No more

Nothing

All will cease
Trying  to swallow the ocean
Counting the grass
Unfathomable.
Like a computer screen that has shut Off.
For eternity.

My computer screen.
Not the one I use now
No
The far more superior one in my brain.

I wonder about you, My computer
You worry Me
Sometimes you stretch for the off button yourself
Loosening the batteries
Trying to convince the drink
To spill all over your screen

Sometimes
Dearest Computer,
You try and off yourself.

If only you knew how much I thought about you.
Would you care.
Would you change your ways?
Would you approach me?
Would you even care?
do you care about me?
I wonder. Then I wonder not.
You make me wonder.
This is why I can stand you.
Because nothing is ever concrete with you.
I hate concrete.
Liquid. It's all liquid with you.
You make everything.
You break everything.
I do not mean you ARE my everything.
But for now.
You are him.
The only him I know of.
The only I truly like.
So silly really.
Silly little girl.
Silly little thoughts.
Thoughts that you will
Never
Ever
Know.

Sorrow makes for good inspiration
The pain awakens strength
A feeling you had almost forgotten
You suddenly jolt to life
Muscles begin to expand and contract
I felt as though I were drowning

Drowning
Drowning, as if it were a sport
A sport I convinced myself to love
But then the game finally finished
I was no longer able to endure
For a while there, I dead-woman float
The waves slowly moving me closer
Closer to the shore
As I wash up on the sand, I remain still

Who can breathe life into me?
Who can save me?
But only silence is heard

Out of the water, a new flood is on the horizon
The memories
The memories of my seduction and my inevitable destruction
The pain awakens me

I frantically begin to try and expel the memories
The thoughts, feelings, the lies
I try to throw it up
I become lost in the routine
So desperately trying to erase the sorrow
Wanting nothing more than to forget

This continues,
until I finally realize:
I can breathe once more.
Months since I allowed a deep, vital draw of oxygen into my lungs
My nostrils fill with air, my lungs expand
Exhale.
I am alive.

He did not **** me
Though I felt lifeless
Felt as though I'd never feel light again

I was unable to breathe.

But I remembered myself.

I survived him.

Sometimes I still find myself choking on my tears and screams
Unable to catch my breath
The memories calling me back to the sea
drowning me once more
But they are not strong enough to keep me down

I have survived my ******.

You left a bitter taste in my mouth,
A taste that I am unable to forget.

You live there,
Ingrained into my taste buds.

I know I must forgive you
forgive you again for what you did
What you did to me
The way your hurt me
Scarred me for life
I know I must forgive you
Rather than envision hurting you
Making you cry as you made me
Making you bleed as you made me
Making you fall to the ground in agony,
as you made
I know I must forgive you
I must forgive your lies
I must forgive how you used me
I must forgive all the time you wasted
I must forgive you for saying you loved me
When you loved her
I know I must forgive you

But then a curious notion creept into my mind.
I must forgive myself
I must forgive myself for going back to you
For believing you could change
For having hope in someone I knew to be evil at the core
I must forgive myself for being weak
Pathetic
Desperate
I must forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me again
Giving power once
My heart
My spirit
My smile

I must forgive myself.



***** forgiving you