Death.
I think about you often
My chest begins to tighten
Holding the thought still in my mind

No more

Nothing

All will cease
Trying  to swallow the ocean
Counting the grass
Unfathomable.
Like a computer screen that has shut Off.
For eternity.

My computer screen.
Not the one I use now
No
The far more superior one in my brain.

I wonder about you, My computer
You worry Me
Sometimes you stretch for the off button yourself
Loosening the batteries
Trying to convince the drink
To spill all over your screen

Sometimes
Dearest Computer,
You try and off yourself.

If only you knew how much I thought about you.
Would you care.
Would you change your ways?
Would you approach me?
Would you even care?
do you care about me?
I wonder. Then I wonder not.
You make me wonder.
This is why I can stand you.
Because nothing is ever concrete with you.
I hate concrete.
Liquid. It's all liquid with you.
You make everything.
You break everything.
I do not mean you ARE my everything.
But for now.
You are him.
The only him I know of.
The only I truly like.
So silly really.
Silly little girl.
Silly little thoughts.
Thoughts that you will
Never
Ever
Know.

Sorrow makes for good inspiration
The pain awakens strength
A feeling you had almost forgotten
You suddenly jolt to life
Muscles begin to expand and contract
I felt as though I were drowning

Drowning
Drowning, as if it were a sport
A sport I convinced myself to love
But then the game finally finished
I was no longer able to endure
For a while there, I dead-woman float
The waves slowly moving me closer
Closer to the shore
As I wash up on the sand, I remain still

Who can breathe life into me?
Who can save me?
But only silence is heard

Out of the water, a new flood is on the horizon
The memories
The memories of my seduction and my inevitable destruction
The pain awakens me

I frantically begin to try and expel the memories
The thoughts, feelings, the lies
I try to throw it up
I become lost in the routine
So desperately trying to erase the sorrow
Wanting nothing more than to forget

This continues,
until I finally realize:
I can breathe once more.
Months since I allowed a deep, vital draw of oxygen into my lungs
My nostrils fill with air, my lungs expand
Exhale.
I am alive.

He did not **** me
Though I felt lifeless
Felt as though I'd never feel light again

I was unable to breathe.

But I remembered myself.

I survived him.

Sometimes I still find myself choking on my tears and screams
Unable to catch my breath
The memories calling me back to the sea
drowning me once more
But they are not strong enough to keep me down

I have survived my ******.

You left a bitter taste in my mouth,
A taste that I am unable to forget.

You live there,
Ingrained into my taste buds.

I know I must forgive you
forgive you again for what you did
What you did to me
The way your hurt me
Scarred me for life
I know I must forgive you
Rather than envision hurting you
Making you cry as you made me
Making you bleed as you made me
Making you fall to the ground in agony,
as you made
I know I must forgive you
I must forgive your lies
I must forgive how you used me
I must forgive all the time you wasted
I must forgive you for saying you loved me
When you loved her
I know I must forgive you

But then a curious notion creept into my mind.
I must forgive myself
I must forgive myself for going back to you
For believing you could change
For having hope in someone I knew to be evil at the core
I must forgive myself for being weak
Pathetic
Desperate
I must forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me again
Giving power once
My heart
My spirit
My smile

I must forgive myself.



***** forgiving you

I consider humans to be good
Born good, that is
Then life happens
Life takes away the innocence
Joy
the twinkle in your eye
and the skip in your step

As if that isn't bad enough
Life begins to turn you
your heart turns cold
freezes up
falls to the ground
and breaks into a million
little
pieces


You mend that heart
but with fire and brimstone
You become cruel
You become the one that now breaks hearts
You lie
You lie about lying
You find a good heart
pumping and pure

and
then
get
to
work

You tear that heart down
You burn it
then put it on ice
You put a bandaid where you harmed it
then turn around
and stab the other side

You cut and cut
till the heart is as broken as yours
You take something beautiful
kind
and sweet
and you destroy it with your coldness

How can you be so cruel

No words, no kisses, no tender caresses,

No amount of 'I love you's would ever persuade you to care,

I need not prove my worth to you.