ten cotton briefs
white, big.
they look like shame to me--
they look like something i shed.

i never let my dishes soak after i use them because
i hear a voice every time i try to
and it makes me sick

i used to think my paralysis was
lucidity
not hysteria
but now i know the difference

i wish i had big teeth,
so big,
that they'd fill my mouth and i didn't have to talk

how much of who you are is ego?
how much is self-actualization?
and how much does answering these questions
help or hurt one or the other?

January 2015
i am freshly nineteen.
a boy with black lipstick comes down unfamiliar stairs
from a mysterious Above.
i wonder if i'll ever see this place.
March 2015
same boy, no lipstick.
i kiss him at a bar
but do not yet get to see the mysterious Above.
i hope to see it soon.
April-June 2015
i wake up most mornings
in the Above place.
i sometimes wear lipstick, but usually not.
it is bright and
cold and
nowhere near the bathroom.
July-December 2015
i reluctantly walk up now
all too familiar stairs
to an Above place where
i am not wanted
or welcome
but i still need a place to put my bag, so i ignore the signs both
literal and figurative.
January 2016-**
i am welcomed with
open arms to
the Above place and
do not want to leave
but
home is a subjective term and time doe not stop for nostalgia;
i am glad no one else will get to see the Above the way i do.

i hate it when you leave me to fall asleep
on my own
but ******* if i don't love
when you crawl into bed and then
inside of me

i am half priced but
full quality.

you told me we weren't alike
because when i sit in the sun
i feel sick.

but here we are
alike and touching
my hands hold yours but
mostly yours hold mind and
i am very scared.

losing my wisdom teeth
and losing you felt similar;
i only had them (my teeth)
briefly, two months maybe,
just like you.
and when they took them (my teeth), it reminded me
of all the chemicals i put in my body
when i was too young to
understand the consequences.
and when they took you, it reminded me
of all the chemicals i put in my body
now that i'm old enough
to understand the consequences.