Thousands of miles away
Human beings are being gassed to death
And photographs of mourning families
Are published by the hour
And even though
The world acknowledges Syria's current condition
Very few have seen the pictures
Blood and tears and unfathomable terror
Ignorance at its finest
America at its finest
Why cant we be a nation of proactivity rather than reactivity
Why does it take so much
For people to realize
That genocide is occurring
And that lives are being torn apart
As we sit calmly at our dinner tables
Abundant with pea soup
And roasted chicken
And lack of caring

This world seems to cruel
For there to be a god

I don't believe anything
That the old testament has to say

The words that once led me in life
Are nothing but rhetoric

Because religion is ambiguous
And everything it has to offer is twisted

My religion is the feeling of success
It's the music that never escapes my mind

It's Bob Dylan's songs
Allen Ginsberg's poems

My religion is your touch
The friends by my side

I refuse to have religion imposed on me
I will not have my first amendment rights infringed upon

I will not say candles are holy
Just because my deceased grandmother believed so

I am a person
I am not a religion

It's wrong
It's unkind
It's you
Everyone knows
Everything
Yet
We pass each other
Like ships in the night
Complete strangers
We're hardly strangers
We've spent hours together alone
Just the two of us
Laying and touching and kissing
But still
We walk past each other
Unacknowledged
That's how I feel
And it's not fair
That less than a week ago
We were together
And here and now
I may as well be invisible
It makes me livid
I stare at your back in class
I want to throw pebbles at your forehead
At the same time
I want to be affectionate
Can I utter a word to you in public
Will my mouth release the words
"Hi"
Be with me
And stop with the *******
Because I know you have a lot on your mind
And none of us are immune to life
I can help
I can be with you
Just say
"Hello"

I read to you
My unspoken words
Emotions so personal
Thoughts I've never shared
With anyone ever before
And as I read to you
I use my poetry
To show you how I feel
And when I ask you
"What do you think of it?"
You reply
So thoughtlessly
"I wasn't listening"

As my dearest friend lays in a hospital bed
She calls me
Because she knows that I can empathize
It's unfortunate
That I'm the medical "go-to"
I know the doctors by name
The nurses by face
The drugs by feeling
I think of her
Laying there
Helpless and alone and frightened
As I once felt
And all I can do
Is provide words to ease the pain
Like the morphine drip she's on
But like the morphine drip
The relief is only temporary
I hate that she has to endure the suffering
I wish I could say
It'll all be okay
But I can't
Because I  know that life isn't always kind
It's tangled string and gum on the sole of a shoe
Hard to undo and it sticks forever
As she lays there
I can only hope
That the drugs drag her into a slumber
One that cannot be disturbed by needles or cat scans
Just a peaceful sleep
I know that won't happen
It never does
It didn't for me
Oh, god
If only I could help
"I know how you feel"
"Be ready for..."
That's all I can say
Because I don't know what's in store
The medical "go-to"
I'd send a balloon
But helium can't cure illness

What if this was dystopian Britain;
My droogs and I,
Sipping beverages
At the Korova milk bar,
I viddy a world of chaos

Starting right here, I want to remember your smile
Your glistening teeth, full lips, and freckles
I want to remember the feeling of our fingers touching
The comfort that came with your presence

I want to remember the time we were partners
When we stayed up the entire night to perfect our work
I miss the feeling of being wanted by you
We’re so close geographically but it’s impossible to see each other

It’s my hope that one day, we will excel together
We will remember the days we spent together as children
We will remember growing through the hardest of times with each other by our side
We will continue to grow, and be, and stay

There's a pattern
With every letter comes a beat
With every sentence
It's like cardiac arrest

It goes to my stomach
My head
Drown it in alcohol
I don't know what will happen next

I'm ready but I'm not
Can I trust you
You know my darkest secrets
Some I which you shared, others forever untold

I don't know what to do
For the first time
Both my brain and my heart
Are clueless

Across the sea
Fighting the "War on Terror"
Doesn't "war" imply that we have a declared enemy?
You did it for your father
You did it because you love this country
You said it was your moral duty
Weeks without communication
The occasional video chat
All I'd see in the background
Were the bunk beds you'd sleep on
You said you were okay
You told me I shouldn't worry
When you came home
There was a new War on Terror
The war on the terrors that crossed your mind every night
The terrors that woke everyone within a 5 mile radius up
The terrors that ensured that your back was always to a wall
You said you were okay
You weren't
You were traumatized and broken and indifferent toward life because you'd seen so many lives lost
This new War on Terror is more difficult than the one in Afghanistan
This is a "war"
And the enemy is your mind

27s please
The first pack of Marlboros I bought
To soothe the stress
Ease the pain
My grandmother had died less than 2 months prior because of lung cancer
27s please
All I can think of right now
Addiction
Maybe
I don't want to stop
I want to smoke cigarettes
Drink coffee
But when I go on my nightly run
My lungs can't expand the way they used to
Placebo affect
Probably
I'm only 16

"I've been torn from the cloth of my people" I told my parents
A night prior I had unlatched my symbolic necklace
I told myself that I was finished
Finished because organized religion hadn't spoken to me
Prayers and holidays never elated me like they did everyone else
Not for lack of trying
I've lit candles
Opened presents
Gone to my house of worship
Associated myself with those of the same religion
But why?
Because my parents told me to?
I'm too old for that to be a reason
I look at the scripture and I don't believe it
I've prayed in houses of worship for hours
Every weekend
Praying for health or happiness or love
Even though I may not get everything I want
It's not my reason for not believing in a higher power
What do you mean "God"?
Am I supposed to defend my "people", just because they're my "people"?
I can't do it anymore
I'll listen and hope that one day I'll believe in God
As for now
I'll look to science and literature for guidance
Maybe one day I'll lay that necklace around my neck again
But not today

Complacent with regret
things i should've done
          places i should've seen
people i should've spoken to
     dinner i should've eaten
           medicine i should've taken
shirts i should've worn
     friends i should've spoken to
pain i should've addressed
          lips i should've kissed back
dreams i should've followed
     tattoos i should've designed
shoes i should've walked in
          poetry i should've written

You tell me to lock the car doors because we're in a bad neighborhood
I don't
Because perhaps something bad will happen
Maybe I'll be taken away and tortured
But it seems impossible that anywhere is worse than here
I don't turn on the alarm anymore
I feel unsafe regardless, so what's the point
You tell me to lock all the doors
Except the lock to my soul and emotions and thoughts
But I've already locked that door and disposed of its single key

I worry that the only reason I have to write is because no one will listen to me
I can't leak my thoughts to my psychologist or psychiatrist or parent because I know that my words aren't safe and that legality triumphs anything I say
I know that I'm like lava at its boiling point, about to erupt
I know that I'm self destructive and that things are only getting worse
I have so much to say, maybe if I told the entirety of the truth, I could be helped
But I fear the corrupt system too much
And I don't want to say anything to my parents because they have watched my prolonged mental distress and they have seen my breakdowns and hysterical fits and they've heard my screams
I've been medicated
SSRIs and Xanax and Ativan and Prozac and Klonopin and Lexapro
I've spent hours in a therapist's office, only to censor my life and hear a psychology major regurgitate everything I already know
I can't stand it anymore
I want to be high on **** forever and laugh at nothingness
I want to be drunk to the point where I forget that life is even a thing
I want to kiss his lips and touch him every moment of the day because I'd feel loved even if I wasn't
I hate what has happened
I hate what is happening
I hate that I've changed
I hate how hard I try because the payoff never seems to pay off
And that I try to keep changing but everything isn't enough and everything won't ever cut it
I don't know what to do
I need endorphins and serotonin and beta-blockers and benzos
I need to know that this isn't a never ending cycle
I need to know that what I'm feeling is temporary and that this isn't what my life will be like
I need to tell my therapist and my doctor and my psychiatrist that I don't know what to do anymore and that the thoughts that control me are no longer bearable because I know that I want to live
I know however, that if I say the wrong thing, my words will be reported to DCFS and I could be baker acted and I don't want that to happen
So all I have in the end are my thoughts, killing me inside every moment of everyday
Tearing me apart like my lungs can no longer expand
Like my heart can no longer pump
Because my mind controls everything, and everything is in flames

I have felt abandoned ever since you left me sitting alone after school on my birthday
So when I woke up after my surgery, it wasn't surprising that you weren't there
You broke me on that day
My thirteenth birthday is representative of the disdain I feel toward you
And I sit here, at 6:15, you said you'd be home at 4:00
Although I'm angry at you, I'm angrier at myself...for thinking that you could keep your word
I've felt neglected for 5 years
People really never change
Thanks, Mom

An old Florida home
Mango tree in the back yard
Hanging over our patio
When May comes
The Mangos are ripe
As ripe as the school children are for summer
As ripe as the reflection of the sun
The sun’s brightness is blinding
And every time we open our eyes
After having stared at the sun
Our perspective on the world is different
Our change of perspective is not conscious
When it rains
It’s fresh
Fresh like dew on a daisy
Fresh like a daisy sitting in the hair of a girl in love
A girl in love
It sounds foolish
That we accept such a complex notion
There aren’t any noncomplex concepts
An explanation doesn’t exist
I could explain for hours
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything
Explaining wouldn’t mean anything more than the coming of May
Or the passing of summer
Even the new beginning of fall
Fall to the ground
Be with the soil
Nothing is forever

Lolled into slumber
The leather of my headphones hug my tired ears
My eyes can't focus anymore
I hear notes and words and melodies
Lolled into slumber
I know that I'll finally be at peace
Alone
Finally away from everything I hate
And everything I love
Lolled into slumber
I'm thankful
Thankful that I made it through
Lolled into slumber
I wonder what I'll dream of
Sometimes I pray that I'll dream of the perfect future
Other times I pray that I'll dream of the man I once loved
Lolled into slumber
I don't want to sleep
Because with sleep comes the commitment to wake up
And I don't want to commit to that
Because REM is so much better than whatever comes my way
Lolled into slumber
I can't control anything
And I need to control things
Lolled into slumber
But I turn the lights on and go berserk
I start reading and researching and cutting and pasting and eating and not eating and it's a mess
Lolled into slumber
I stare at the screen of my phone
Hopeful that I'll receive a text that will change something
Lolled into slumber
I have no choice but to fall asleep

There were many of us
You sat across from me
And you were all I could look at

From that moment on
I knew
That there was a connection
Like we had known each other forever

Months passed and communication lacked
The connection was clear
But the chemistry
Nonexistent

For months I thought about him
And finally
Finally
Contact was made

It was a moment I’ll never forget
A moment of ecstasy
It’s as if we were the same person
My heart had never felt as elated

We would speak
Then he would stop
And everyday I yearned for that moment
The moment we would speak again

And we did
Cliché aside
My heart fluttered
And then it stopped again

Sometimes I think he broke me
We had fit
Just fit
In my mind at least

Should I give up
Should I just stop
Will he ever give me what I need
Will he ever speak his feelings

How much time does he need
Because I’ve been ready
Ready
Ready to know the truth

I’m sick of this back and forth
Because he is all I want
And if I cant have him
I want to know why

So If I never walked
Into that empty room
It would all be different
And sometimes I wish it was

We’re both difficult
We have pasts that we don’t want to talk about
And secrets that cut the wind
Secrets that make us bleed
Because our broken hearts cant clot our poisoned blood
It just keeps rushing out
Like a river
A river that is deep and black
Full of life but the bottom isn’t visible
Like the river
The truth seems too dark so we escape
We escape to nowhere
But no one can escape forever if they aren’t dying
When we return from our escape
Everything is real again
The world is still against us
Your father is still a drug addict
Who hates the world but loves you
Your mother is still dying of cancer
And the sight of her burns your eyes like acid
My father is a callus
Rough and thick and seemingly permanent
My mother is mourner
Forever grieving the death of her brother, who tragically died
And because we understand each other’s pain
We rest in the agony until it becomes unbearable
And even though it’s unbearable
We allow it to perspire because we know that no one else understands the holes in our hears
We’re too difficult
We’re too ****** up and angry
And too smart for the rest of the world
And we know we’re smarter because we essentially beat each night’s jeopardy champion
Like a rushing river, dark and foamy
We’re in everlasting darkness
And although it’s unhealthy to feed off each others’ heartache
We do
Because no one else understands

As he read my thoughts aloud, he mocked my every word, my every sentence, my every phrase.
He dismissed agony that isn’t curable.
My work of art was destroyed by tone, because apparently, I’m garbage.
I’ve tried so hard for him, but all that history tells me, is that we’ll never think on the same wavelength.
He calls me “self destructive”, a self saboteur, when all the things I want are the same as his.
Like a knife in my heart.
It’s like my soul is being surgically removed from my body.
Because, in his mind, I’m no longer pure or useful.
I’m only a ****** up daughter.
“I’ll always love you” he would say.
I want to ask him if he loves me now.
I’ll always oppose what I see as wrong.
He brought me up to think that my opinions and morals were valid.
And, then sickness entered my life.
I was no longer a child.
I was a sick child.
I am a job,
I am the daughter he has to take to doctor appointments every week, and I cant apologize for that, because it’s not my fault that life was cruel.
I know that I have ****** up.
But, I blame it on my illness.
I cant control an immobile body on the day of an important test.
And, I wont disregard the world that’s calling me.
I’m weak now, because he used the past as a weapon.
I’m weak because my heart has heart for the past five years.
I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to his expectations.
But, I’m sadder that he can’t accept the person I’ve become.
I have a voice, the voice he told me to use.
And that voice refuses to put up with his *******.

First tug
First kiss
First this
First that
First love
First obsession
First everything
First nothing

It was spontaneous
Attention: A boy wants to be with me
And I got away with it
Attention: the smart, dainty girl has a summer *******
Time and time again
Attention: Finally there was consistency in my life
It was what I had always hoped for
Attention:
I want attention
I received it
Attention: My father just walked in on me shirtless with a boy
He hid in the closet
Attention: my father is a smart man
My father had a 20 minute conversation
Attention: “Go outside, he and I are going to have a talk”
Mortified
Attention: Stay classy, teens