just another day
that i'll marinate in the pain
that brings me all this heartache
and no matter what
i'm still a **** up
i'm still another disaster
so i'll marinate
in the savory tears
that won't stop rolling down my face
so i'll marinate in your voice
your horrible words
your careless face
so i'll marinate in the smell
of my mother's food
that I wont eat
because i dont want to be nourished
and I question if i want to live
i'll marinate in the grievances that i've listed time and time again
i'll continue to live this life
that i hate so much
that i question every day
and sometimes
the only thing that keeps me holding on
are the words of a singer who doesnt know that i exist
sometimes the only thing that keeps me holding on is him
but he's farther away every day
and i've loosened my grip
because it feels like someone is punching me from inside out
and the pain in my brain hurts so much
that i want to stab myself with an edge so sharp that this punching feeling
wont feel like anything
I hate myself
i hate everything that i am
i dont want to be here anymore
in this sea of fakeness
i want to be with people who understand
i want to rewind three months
but that's not possible so what's the point
**** my life
there are people who love me
and i wish
that i could love myself as much as they do
but no one understands that my lack of a mask is masking
my anger and despair and angst
that kills me more and more every day
that makes me want to take 50 pills instead
of the 1 that i'm prescribed
someone take me away
to a place where the broken souls go
everything I am is too shattered
there's no putting me back together
these shards of glass
have fallen so hard
that they can never be pieced together again

ever since you saw me in that light
i know the sight of me has been unbearable
and although we've tried to talk it through
and reconcile and forget
we still can't get over the fact that what happened happened
and i'm sorry for disappointing you
because all i've ever wanted is your approval
but now that i've grown up
and formed my own opinions
our minds clash and we can't agree
and every argument ends in threats and words of hate
i will not change who i am
you will not condition me to not be me

I know that I love you
more than anything in the world
I dont know if you feel this way too
but if you do
please let me know
because my heart aches at the sight of your face
and i cherish every moment that i spend with you
I also know
that you've been cruel
to my soul
and I know there's something
you know
that I dont
and as you hug
my best friends in the world
i only think
that we're that much more perfect for each other
every night
I lay in bed
hoping
that one night
you'll call my name
and save me
from the agony of your absence

we say
no strings attached
we say
feelings won't get in the way
we say
it's meaningless
but two people
that have engaged
in this type of behavior knows
that feelings do get in the way
that emotions are stirred
and hearts are broken
and love is present
I find myself dumbfounded
when thinking
that I could have ever thought
that I wouldn't love you one day
and now
I just look into your eyes
I say a word or two
we're both confused
it's painful
and stupid
yet
it's the best thing that has ever happened to me

Like evaporation

I go high up

Into the clouds

Then pour down

Onto the ground