Lolled into slumber
The leather of my headphones hug my tired ears
My eyes can't focus anymore
I hear notes and words and melodies
Lolled into slumber
I know that I'll finally be at peace
Alone
Finally away from everything I hate
And everything I love
Lolled into slumber
I'm thankful
Thankful that I made it through
Lolled into slumber
I wonder what I'll dream of
Sometimes I pray that I'll dream of the perfect future
Other times I pray that I'll dream of the man I once loved
Lolled into slumber
I don't want to sleep
Because with sleep comes the commitment to wake up
And I don't want to commit to that
Because REM is so much better than whatever comes my way
Lolled into slumber
I can't control anything
And I need to control things
Lolled into slumber
But I turn the lights on and go berserk
I start reading and researching and cutting and pasting and eating and not eating and it's a mess
Lolled into slumber
I stare at the screen of my phone
Hopeful that I'll receive a text that will change something
Lolled into slumber
I have no choice but to fall asleep

There were many of us
You sat across from me
And you were all I could look at

From that moment on
I knew
That there was a connection
Like we had known each other forever

Months passed and communication lacked
The connection was clear
But the chemistry
Nonexistent

For months I thought about him
And finally
Finally
Contact was made

It was a moment I’ll never forget
A moment of ecstasy
It’s as if we were the same person
My heart had never felt as elated

We would speak
Then he would stop
And everyday I yearned for that moment
The moment we would speak again

And we did
Cliché aside
My heart fluttered
And then it stopped again

Sometimes I think he broke me
We had fit
Just fit
In my mind at least

Should I give up
Should I just stop
Will he ever give me what I need
Will he ever speak his feelings

How much time does he need
Because I’ve been ready
Ready
Ready to know the truth

I’m sick of this back and forth
Because he is all I want
And if I cant have him
I want to know why

So If I never walked
Into that empty room
It would all be different
And sometimes I wish it was

We’re both difficult
We have pasts that we don’t want to talk about
And secrets that cut the wind
Secrets that make us bleed
Because our broken hearts cant clot our poisoned blood
It just keeps rushing out
Like a river
A river that is deep and black
Full of life but the bottom isn’t visible
Like the river
The truth seems too dark so we escape
We escape to nowhere
But no one can escape forever if they aren’t dying
When we return from our escape
Everything is real again
The world is still against us
Your father is still a drug addict
Who hates the world but loves you
Your mother is still dying of cancer
And the sight of her burns your eyes like acid
My father is a callus
Rough and thick and seemingly permanent
My mother is mourner
Forever grieving the death of her brother, who tragically died
And because we understand each other’s pain
We rest in the agony until it becomes unbearable
And even though it’s unbearable
We allow it to perspire because we know that no one else understands the holes in our hears
We’re too difficult
We’re too ****** up and angry
And too smart for the rest of the world
And we know we’re smarter because we essentially beat each night’s jeopardy champion
Like a rushing river, dark and foamy
We’re in everlasting darkness
And although it’s unhealthy to feed off each others’ heartache
We do
Because no one else understands

As he read my thoughts aloud, he mocked my every word, my every sentence, my every phrase.
He dismissed agony that isn’t curable.
My work of art was destroyed by tone, because apparently, I’m garbage.
I’ve tried so hard for him, but all that history tells me, is that we’ll never think on the same wavelength.
He calls me “self destructive”, a self saboteur, when all the things I want are the same as his.
Like a knife in my heart.
It’s like my soul is being surgically removed from my body.
Because, in his mind, I’m no longer pure or useful.
I’m only a ****** up daughter.
“I’ll always love you” he would say.
I want to ask him if he loves me now.
I’ll always oppose what I see as wrong.
He brought me up to think that my opinions and morals were valid.
And, then sickness entered my life.
I was no longer a child.
I was a sick child.
I am a job,
I am the daughter he has to take to doctor appointments every week, and I cant apologize for that, because it’s not my fault that life was cruel.
I know that I have ****** up.
But, I blame it on my illness.
I cant control an immobile body on the day of an important test.
And, I wont disregard the world that’s calling me.
I’m weak now, because he used the past as a weapon.
I’m weak because my heart has heart for the past five years.
I’m sorry that I haven’t lived up to his expectations.
But, I’m sadder that he can’t accept the person I’ve become.
I have a voice, the voice he told me to use.
And that voice refuses to put up with his *******.

First tug
First kiss
First this
First that
First love
First obsession
First everything
First nothing

It was spontaneous
Attention: A boy wants to be with me
And I got away with it
Attention: the smart, dainty girl has a summer *******
Time and time again
Attention: Finally there was consistency in my life
It was what I had always hoped for
Attention:
I want attention
I received it
Attention: My father just walked in on me shirtless with a boy
He hid in the closet
Attention: my father is a smart man
My father had a 20 minute conversation
Attention: “Go outside, he and I are going to have a talk”
Mortified
Attention: Stay classy, teens