I've written letter after letter
but I can't give you the contents of my heart
in just blue ink and paper
I want you to make me feel
as if you've taken all my air and replaced it with yours
Understand that I was low-key in love with you
until that one night in December, or was it November?
and now I can't stop saying "I love you" between kisses
I'm 50% dreamgirl and 50% wildfire
but you've never thrown water on me
My hand was always three inches above the panic button
until you took it away from me
Safe to say --  I'm half crazy for your love
I've been restless my entire life
So who are you to come and tire me out?
I'd let you steal the blood from my veins
and replace it with cyanide if it made you happy
I'm going to carve our names into a tree
and hope my heart doesn't send the place up in flames
I'd apologize for all the pointless, kind of dumb things I say
but you made my heart beat so hard
It's all I can manage to hear sometimes
but no part of me feels guilty
for wanting to kiss you until I lose my mind and find it again
The constellations are ugly compared to your smile

Am I being clear?
Never liked being transparent.
I know you think most literature is pointless, irrelevant
but this is like watching my brain and heart
**** each other on paper, neither of them ever dies though
Can you tell by the way I say, whisper your name?
Wide-eyed at 3AM because I stopped taking sleeping pills
So I can lie awake thinking about the last time
you touched me, not just touched me - and kissed me on the head
I used to **** love for fun
Now if I ever deny loving your every cell,
every functioning polygraph in the world,
would break at the same time
Maybe you won't understand but I think you do
I've decided calling you my 'drug of choice' is too cliche,
but how else do I say I'm hooked
and I don't need 12 steps for this addiction.
You're counting me down at my front door,
my heart is dynamite at that point but all I can whisper is
"I love you"
So I guess, I love you
I mean, I love you
You make me feel like someone going the wrong way
down a one-way street. I love it.

I’m telling you to keep your eyes
off the ground because
one day you’ll be under it, I’ll be under it
And soon you’ll realize that I’m frosted with gasoline since birth,
so the right person could throw a match
You had a millisecond glimpse into the destruction I can bring
My blood is lighter fluid
If I’m dying here, I’m doing it face down on the sidewalk
with his name carved into the cement
like the stars on Hollywood Boulevard
I’m the picture of you on your first day of school
Your first skinned knee, the the bugs your six year old self
burned under a magnifying glass with the assistance of the sun
My Mother slept through my childhood
and Daddy loved infidelity
I knew when you looked past my white picket fence
I loved you
Whatever that meant
Whatever that means

When someone says "I love you"
I struggle to believe it, regardless of sincerity
A year ago I should've shoved a rifle down your throat
and shot the insanity out of your stomach
I would have covered a bullet in my lipstick
and left it in your skull,
You always thought I couldn't get into your head.

Love's not a weapon
and I'd never use it as one like you did
but hate is, and I hang my loathing for you
in an expensive frame on the wall
I'm proud to display your irrelevancy and sociopathic tendencies like an art gallery

I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
because I could smell it
when I lay crying, lingerie garter shattered,
stocking ripped at the 50's seam, red wrists aching
He said he wouldn't do it again
but he wanted to **** his hate into me
I'd slam the bathroom door
and only come out when I could retreat to the safety of his Mother
Every night I'd stare at the ceiling
wishing his heart valve would fail, or he'd accidentally
overdose on his prescribed blood thinners and
I'd be lucky enough to awake to his corpse

"I hate you more when I'm drunk" you said

    Everything about me makes you angry
I still sit on my hands and try not to say anything unless spoken too
"No one else will deal with you, ****, stop crying, I don't want people seeing my woman with tear stains."
    So I wouldn't cry in front of you anymore

     Each night I'd fall asleep helpless to my meal sized portion of pills
Anti-anxiety, antidepressant, sedative, pain killer, sleeping aid
"You're just like your Mother, all messed up"
I'm so ******* tolerant and you're so ******* disturbed
At least my Mother, didn't **** my married Father for his money
Sorry I just told everyone that

"Why can't you be more like...
Claire? Caitlin? Maia? Anna?"
I don't want to be like them
but if I was, you'd probably actually love me or at least stop
smacking me hard enough to make my jaw ache for hours
Three days before you put me in the hospital,
      by the way I tested positive for Rohypnol
You gave me a ring, solid gold and diamonds
that night you weren't worried about my stomach being pumped
but,
     "She better be wearing that ring, better not lose it in the hospital"

I flushed your $15,000 guilt gift down a hospital toilet.

I was wired the wrong way
As a toddler my friends swallowed household chemicals
and their parents called poison control
but I swallowed lighter fluid when no one was looking
and ever since, I've been waiting for someone to strike a match on me
or I’ll strike one on them
My lover just smiles at me when the neighbors house burns down
I melt for him just like all their favorite possessions
I waved at them every day from my driveway
They thought I was saying "hello"
but I was warning them to check their smoke detectors
Never liked the color of their blinds anyway, I did them a favor
My heart is a cushion-cut diamond
I can't think of anything worse than being regular
Rather be the end of the world and maybe I will be

The night I told him I loved him and puked blood all over
his car door but he said he loved me too
sorry again
I'm not-so-living proof
men loves flames, boys love cheap sparklers
I carved our names into a wet bench in the forest
at 11:00PM and I got tangled in the tennis court net after
He loves untying knots in my heart anyway
I have a gun because other people use their heart as a weapon
Not all of us have that privilege
His parents raised a good one, I almost feel bad when it's
"Love me" this and "hold me" that
but he knows I’d give him the sun if he wanted it
He talks, I walk

You tried to **** me

but how do you make a gunshot look like an accident
from that angle?

A stab puncture but it was only you and I

So you went for an emotional ****** but you forgot the body keeps walking
  
              Next time you wanna play God,
                       Remember I know how to play too

Well kiss me again
God I love it
I don't really believe in God but I believe in your pulse
close enough
I'll melt for you just like plastic in fire
Diamond to my glass but you'll never catch me
letting myself be extinguished for anyone else
I was ten years old and my Dad said
Honey
Keep your bags at the front door because you never know
when you will be forced to run
like he ran from my Mother it's fine
I mean it's fine
because well, he leaves his shoes at the front door
and not the back I need that
But Dad
believe me
There's no point in being a diamond if you can bite right through it
That kind of love isn't emotionally cheap
My family is always looking at me like they're
waiting for me to be Niagara Falls
but I'm Manhattan, concrete
Hold me down and make sure the neighbours are home
Give me the test
I'll take it

Took out an entire city looking for myself one night
Heaven wasn't at the bottom of those bottles
Well it never was
but it's on your lips and I need it
I used to write sad things about the boy who
wanted to **** me for fun
but he's dead now and I'm just saying
they do call me the love arsonist
If refusing to be quieted for anyone's convenience is illegal,
I'll take the twenty-five to life,
If loving you is a crime
I want the ******* death sentence

I'm a ******* trophy, and I don't need a safeword
because intimacy is a waste of my time if
I don't feel like I can't breathe at least once
Sure I'll say but my face will be the same color as my blood
or my favourite lipstick
Wear me around his neck if he could
I know, he told me
I love you beyond the moaning, I do
that's not all there is to me
How many times do I have to say it now?
I don't start fires, I am the fire
Love won't die unless you ****** it
and I don't believe in violence
Gasoline veins since birth so the right person
could throw a match on me
so throw a match on me, I know it's you
Have you ever tried swimming with your arms
tied behind your back, that's how you make me feel sometimes
Sorry
People would love to identify my body at the morgue
especially the ones who put it there
someone already tried to put it there
but no one wants to hold a dead thing

Eyes closing in the driver's seat
and maybe it's because I'm tired or maybe
I'm proving a point
You had one rule
break it if it's not broken and
I wasn't but I hid faster than you could shoot
you're still looking for me
shotgun in hand
but bullets don't go through
layers of glass and polycarbonate material
and I'm made of it
I hope your future children ask about the scar under your chin
and you tell them like my frantic nails had nothing to do with it
People look at me like I'll die
at the mention of your name but
you're in the back of an ambulance
every time I say I love him more than I ever loved you
Don't kid yourself
I only have real feelings when
they're artificially put in my bloodstream
but even then you can't call it authentic

I've screamed so loud my Father
swears I've caused a few earthquakes in my lifetime
so if you're not ramming your passion
down my throat
well I don't want it
The best thing about me is when you light me up
you don't know whether to expect
a nuclear explosion or just a spark
and you were drunk but not on me
It's nothing I'm not already used too
Sure you're wiping my tears now
but when I stop crying you say "finally"
I don't care if you grew up by the ocean
because my currents are stronger
People are afraid of being hurt
and I'm begging to be set up in flames