****** my cerebrum,
intruding upon my thoughts, my world,
my very being,
turning me into someone unrecognizable
at least, internally.
for how long can i hide the monster?
for how long does he hibernate?
waiting for me to finally give in to my lust,
for my own apocalypse
right before my very eyes.
i just want to ******* feel something real!
i
finally
realize
i have embodied it.
the monster
is
me.

clinging to every semblance of hope
every fleeting notion of reality
yet striving for anything but…
what am i searching for?
real?
yes,
i claim this.
but my subconscious begs to differ.  
i want to fly.
i want an escape.
crumbling,
with every day that passes.
i remember what i’m here for,
yet i cannot seem to reach it,
to hold onto it.
i am dead and gone.
i am dead.
i am gone.
without a glimpse of rebirth in sight.
the phoenix has taken flight without me.
i am alone with myself.
“Atman” has been destroyed.
i do not exist.
no longer whole.
no longer broken.
simply
dead.

how can the world be so cruel?
7 billion other people in the world,
yet we can pine after one for years.
we allow heartache to afflict our life
because our existence depends upon it,
instead of attempting solitary happiness.
no,
we don’t know how to make it on our own.
we are desperate,
we are hopeless,
our wanting leaves us unwantable.
we are alone.

I crave to feel it again.

Why?
Why did you leave?
Why was I not good enough?
Because someone told you so?
I was not perfect, and I never claimed to be,
But I loved you
With every ounce of my being.
I was so good to you.
All my bad habits dissipated at your touch,
Your eyes absolved my sins.
My past was erased at the sound of your voice.
When you said those three words,
That changed my life.
You were the best person I knew.
A true heart of gold,
With no deception.
What has happened to you?
Did I do this?
Is everything truly my fault?
I refuse I refuse I refuse.
I was so good to you.
You promised me a future.
You promised me a family.
You promised me a ring.
You promised me you.
Now everything is gone,
But still you remain.
You remain the lighthouse of my life,
Guiding me safely away from harm,
Yet ever further away from love.
Love can't live here anymore.

I can't keep holding on to you
I can't keep deceiving myself
How desperately I wish we still could be
Time is passing.
I never imagined a life without you
But you discarded me
And then siphoned through the rubble.
You brushed me off
But I'm still *****.
I never really cleaned myself off
I never wanted to wash away your scent
That lingered on my skin.
Time is passing.
I've clung to every part of you that remains
I can't move on when I know that you still love me,
Want me,
When you still give me any semblance of hope.
But I can't let go of the world I knew
It was so beautiful.
It's like fighting gravity
You can't fight love.
And so I'll suffer.
Always longing,
Never whole.

Something as simple as a smile
And the lights begin to shine
Hope comes soaring home to you
Where it belongs
In it's rightful place.
We all deserve to have hope
To be dark and desolate no longer.
No more.