Twenty more
Until I hit a number
That's important for me
As a writer
As a dreamer
As a poet?

I'm a writer
I'm a reader
And above all I'm a dreamer

I realize that usually what I'm reading is purely fiction
That doesn't mean I can't install hope into the characters
That bounce off the pages and flash into my eager eyes

It matters not what I'm writing
As long as hope is contained within the ink

I look into this world
And not enough people have their noses burried into books
I strive to immerse myself into the world
It doesn't matter if it's in a notebook or book
I'm just going to keep on dreaming

I spent the afternoon
Daydreaming about Spoon
Wondering what it would be like
To play Indie with the stars
The moon shinning bright
Down on the guitars
The drums beating to the rythm
Of some unknown fault
Would I have the courage?
To play with my heart?
Let my raw emotions
Glow in the dark
I don't know
I hope so

Staring into the eyes of my destroyer
Even the mirror seems to cringe
So I shift my gaze to a happier scene
And my eyes open wide at what I see

The sun is shinning
The wind is binding
I'm feeling divine
The whole earth seems to shine

Stress is absent
Freedom is present
I'm laughing
I'm falling
All of a sudden I'm crying

Suddenly my eyes shut out the fantasy
Much to my dismay
Reality zooms into focus
And I'm back staring into the mirror
But this time?
This time my spirit shines in the mirror

You may read me like a book
But the letters on the page
Are embedded with code
So no one really knows
How to read
Except myself
Of course
I know how to decipher
My own code


But if you take the time
If you want to
If you really care
Enough about me
You can learn
I can open up
It's really easy
To learn how to read a new book

Of course, no lyrics are ever unintentional
Though I think bands have a tendency to touch on big themes without really following through on them or linking them to particular logic
As one of my favorite bands once noted
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
And your ghost

Sometimes it’s nice to know that whenever you wake up at night seemingly alone, there’s a whole other world awake.

I just feel so sick and tired
Lazy to the bones
Achy in my heart

And if I try hard
I can almost imagine myself
Falling asleep
But instead I stay half awake
With my hands on my head
My eyes half closed
Daydreaming instead

And if I try hard
I can see myself walking
On some imagined land
Feel the soft sand
On my fingers and hands
Talking to strangers
Who laugh at the thoughts
Going on in my head
Who offer me somewhere
To lay down and rest

And if I try hard
I become the characters in my head
Having adventures
Playing hard
Meet that special someone
Slowly fall in love

And if I try hard
I can allow myself
To close my eyes
Wait for the adventures
To come in my dreams
But first
I must rest and heal
Close my eyes
And lay still

I got so tired discussing my future
My body decided to shut down
Afternoon of silence and nausea
Shaking sweating I can't get up
So I lay on the hard cold floor and
Tell the world to shut the hell up

I'm not sleeping
I'm not eating
I'm barely breathing
Am I really loving?

In my sleep
I barely move
Shadows persist
Nightmares insist

What I eat
Is mostly in between
Nothing makes sense
Anymore

This isn't living
I must be dreaming?

It's okay
It's alright
We all fall asleep
Eventually
At some point
Either day or
Night

I could have died
A couple of times
I took my eyes off the prize
But instead I stood up
And took my future in my hands
Now everything remains steadfast
In my eyes

When your jaw hurts
Because your mouth aches
Because you can’t quit faking
The smile that runs permanently across your face
The facade isn’t going to last forever you know
The stress insists
And you try so hard to resist

Blisters on my feet
Tongue sticking to my teeth
This is how I feel
After a day
Competing in Speech

Im so tired of fighting
For a while I just can’t think
I laugh the loudest
Who’d have known?
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
And nobody knows me
And nobody gives a ****
I keep my head up right
But I don’t sleep
I don’t sleep
I don’t sleep til it’s light
I just wanna close my eyes
And forget what’s in front of me
Give me your eyes
And let me see the sunshine
Just give me your eyes
And I’ll believe in anything
I’ll try my best to keep my head up right

I went on a run
This afternoon
To escape the past
Let the exercise wash over the rest

Yet no matter how far
My legs stretched
I couldn't stop placing bets
Against the future ahead

I only ran around the lake
So not that far
Still I was running
As if I was being chased
A life or death matter
Not just a game
Or a race

And you know perhaps I was?
Being chased
Not by my past
But by my shadow instead?

Running distracts me
And is great for my head
Gives me something to reach for
Someway to release the extra energy
The equivalence of taking the longest route
Through the school
Just to get to my next class

Listening to the music
Inside my head
I soon reach my goal
Slow down and walk
Until my breathing evens out

Take a stroll to the barn
Think things over in my head
Relax and breath
Knowing that I had just achieved
A four mile run

The shadow is now gone
By the way
I'm alone again
With just the thoughts in my head

I suggest you look at the news once in a while
Or save your soul
Find only gold

I forgot
I think I wrote
Something of importance?
A letter or a note?
Whatever
Something needed to be shared
Something was at the front of my mind
The words must have had meaning
They weren't just scribbled
As the ink is smeared all over my hands
Indicating that I was writing
Vigorously
Like something
or someone
Was chasing my mind
Oh well

Even though the words
Seem to have been erased
They'll come back to me
I think?
Eventually

Yeah sure
I may look like
Heaven
But you?
You put me through
Hell

It's a wonderful day
To be alive and smile
Take heart and breath in
The air that's
Wide and full of joy

Sometimes
All it takes
Is good music
To make my day
That's it
That's all I have to say

What a time to be alive
The seasons changed
And I survived
I laughed
I cried
For I'd survived

I wrote my heart out
Hoping that one day
The world would strive
That peace would come
That hate would die

What a time to be alive
The seasons changed
And I survived
I laughed
I cried
For I'd survived

I walked to school
My back to you
For I knew
The time would come
To say goodbye

What a time to be alive
The seasons changed
And I survived
I laughed
I cried
For I'd survived

I ate my lunch
And thought how best to dine
With my friends?
Or my pensive mind instead
I chose the later
Hoping to answer
What might come next

What a time to be alive
The seasons changed
And I survived
I laughed
I cried
For I'd survive

After lunch
I made up my mind
I found my friends
And then I said goodbye

No not to my friends
They're too close to me
No I said goodbye
To all the uncertainty

After all
What a time to be alive
The seasons changed
And I'd survived
I laughed
I cried
For I had survived

I was looking back at my journals
And all the writing on the pages were smeared
Not from the ink that was never supposed to disappear
But from all my tears
That had supposedly fallen down my cheeks
Splashing carelessly onto the paper
Smearing emotions and complaints and all the hope
That I had acquired over the past year

Go to sleep
And think of me
As you close your eyes
And fall asleep

Go to sleep
And rest in peace
Lay still in your thoughts
Till your mind falls asleep

Go to sleep
And dream of peace
As the world around you threatens to cease

Turn the dial and I promise you I'll try hard and smile
Everyone needs an oil change once in a while
My thoughts have become greasy
Almost uncontrollably twisty
Until at last it becomes one big tunnel
And suddenly they go turtles all the way down...
Still, if you do end up turning the dial
I promise you I'll try hard and smile

Get me out of here
I need to leave
This year
Please help me learn to breath
All the air has been taken from me

The day goes by
Faces flicker past
All I feel is fear
Please help me learn to see
What's beyond this veil
The shades been drawn
Yet nighttime is all but gone

I come home from work
Shaken to the bone
Long day of meetings
Food was a waste of time
And all I feel is fear
Please help me learn to sleep
I'm so tired
Please

I wake up from this
Dream?
And all I see is me
Happy and sweet
All I feel is peace
Please keep me here
Never let me leave

I feel good
Healthy?
I mean I know it won't last forever
So I'm just going to hold onto it
Before it crumbles and falls apart again
My mind melting into a puddle
Okay okay
I'll stop now
I'll just enjoy it
Right?

Kick Drum Beat
Kick Drum Heart
My favorite musician once told me with all his heart
To let music take over art

Nights are the worst
I think it's because the dark nature of things makes it harder to see whats only a couple of feet in front of us
So we're forced to look at what's right in our faces
And most often it's not a courageous knight in shinning armor
And instead it's the dark and furious twisted enemy
So in fact, the real question is not
Where is my knight in shining armor?
But instead
Where is my armor?

Listen!
I want to listen to more
Music
Friends
Family
Mentors
Perhaps most importantly
I want to listen to myself more
I guess I'm worth something too?

One of my favorite writers once said
How can anybody have you
How can anybody have you and lose you
How can anybody have you and lose you and not lose their mind too
I'm still trying to answer these questions
They may not make sense, at least not right now
Though I suspect that eventually
My mind will come to its senses and
Formulate some sort of answer

When you have low serotonin levels.
When you have low serotonin levels, exercise has never been more important. Unfortunately, all the shaking from said unknown anxieties doesn’t count.  So instead I usually find myself on a bike pedalling furiously away from all my problems.  Or I slip on a pair of sneakers and sprint away towards the greener side.
When you have low serotonin levels, sleep has never been more needed. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to come easy for someone like myself. For some unknown reasons, I can’t get my eyes to shut.  I can’t turn my brain off and my thoughts run wild.
When you have low serotonin levels, coffee has never sounded any better. Coffee seems to cause my shaking to simmer when for most others it would go out of control.  Nothing too sweet, just enough to trickle down my throat. Afterwards, it’s like the fog has been cleared.  The best of course is shared with friends on a cobblestoned street in Europe.  Watching people pass by with smiles on their faces.
When you have low serotonin levels, music has never been more relaxing. Suddenly, all the thoughts are drowned out by someone else’s worries. Instead of my foot bouncing anxiously up and down from nerves, there’s a beat.  If you can give me music to listen to, then you can hear the beat of that rather than the non-rhythmic beat of my anxious feet.
When you have low serotonin levels, friends are the light in a world full of shadows.  They allow me to laugh and smile.  They are what push me to not be afraid.  I talk to them, and suddenly I’m more myself than I have been in months.  I’m laughing, I’m smiling. I’m making jokes.  When I do cry, I have them to lean on.  And I’m forever in their debt.
When you have low serotonin levels, optimism is key. You have to believe you see.  Try and wake up and smile.  Love yourself and those around you. Laugh until your stomach aches.  Cry until a small river has been made.
These are the thoughts from an anxious worrier.
And I don't want to tell you. I don’t have to tell you. Things could be different and I could be somewhere else. But no. Instead I am here.
I don’t want to have to tell you. But maybe you should know.

Whenever I listen to music
It’s hard not to place myself in the lines
It’s hard not to sing along like the focus is really all on me
Whenever I read a book
It’s hard not to jump into the chapters
Swipe the narrator off the page
And become the true hero of the book
Whenever I write
It’s easy to get lost in my world
Swim through the fantasies that cloud my own thoughts
I think that’s what life is all about
Find yourself in others
Be compassionate and kind
Make your life yours
Have no regrets
The end

It's a ****-show
But it's life
And yea sure
I've seen some better days
But I promise ya
It's gonna be alright

Today was crap
And I'd say yesterday's tomorrow
Looked better on the other side
But that was when the light
Was shining bright

It's a ****-show
But it's life
And yea sure
I've seen some better days
But I promise ya
It's gonna be alright

Got home from school
My head hurt like hell
My jaw was in pain
From all the stress that
Somehow I found myself
Thinking

It's a ****-show
But it's life
And yea sure
I've seen some better days
But I promise ya
It's gonna be alright

I feel asleep
Fully clothed
My head hit the pillow
And suddenly I felt my eyes close
The room was black
My thoughts were grey
Yet on the other side
I swear I could feel the sun's rays

It's a ****-show
But it's life
And yea sure
I've seen some better days
But I promise ya
It's gonna be alright

Alright?

The minds and souls of the characters in my books are often more real than the brains behind the books. Hence, this is the reason I much prefer to read than to interact with the world around me. Some might argue that if I were to interact with my surroundings, I would get more out of it than the ink on the paper of my lovely books. Though I would argue that one must interact with a book to engage in one, and therefore one gets more out of it in the long run. Whereas the world that surrounds me, I can choose what I wish to interact with. Books automatically **** me in down a tunnel of well... you know...

I woke up today
Feeling more like myself than I have in months
Therefore, it was a really good day
I was surrounded by people who believe in me
Who care about me
Who love me
People who share my interests and let me believe and inspire in anything
And I am so grateful for that❤️
And I started to cry
At the end of the day
Right now...
Realizing how lucky I am
How my now is not my forever

The tide is high
My emotions raw
My tears are full of salt
Yet I’m hopeful because
I know this river
Is all just
nature’s fault