i guess i got mad
when i looked at all the kids around me
and the huge learning gap
you were either ghetto or International Baccalaureate or somewhere in between
and being in the middle kind of ******

watching sketchy drug deals in thin hallways with white brick walls
and watching kids who have parents who buy them 2012 cars
and pay for their gas swerve around in the parking lot
kind of ******

i can't complain
because i didn't grow up in the streets
i grew up in a ranch house
in a neighborhood full of old white people
i can't complain
because i'm entering the 'real world' faster by having to buy my own car
and pay my way through college
and buy an apartment
but
it kind of *****

hm.
it's may 7th,
isn't it?
12:01am
on the dot.
i forgot...
today is my birthday
today i am twenty
years
old
and i don't
feel a thing.
i am often alarmed
frightened
confused
by my lack of feeling
and everyone says
it has something to do
with depression
hell,
i don't know.

i always used to get
some little tingle
some little thrill
of excitement...
it's my birthday!!!
i'd think...
even last year
the first year
without mom
without anything
normal
i still felt
something...
but there is
nothing.
in fact
i would have forgotten
if some random *** girl
i haven't talked to in two years
hadn't just texted me
happy birthday...

...happy birthday,
littleredwritinghood...
maybe this year you'll get what you want
i'd really enjoy
some arsenic
this time around
i wonder what death feels like
maybe i'll actually feel something
for
once
i guess it's worth a shot

Love: Holding someone

Peace: Feeling centered with yourself, knowing where you are and feeling it, light winds and being in the sun

Secret: Feeling dark on the inside & outside

Empty: Not wholesome, alone

Free: Living without hesitation

Grief: Seeing those around you hurting and that in itself is what’s hurting you

Longing: Overcome with strained desire, needing something so much that you’re feeling tense with want

Regret: Shaming yourself and ignoring forgiveness

Anger: Frustrating your thoughts into one ball of rage

Oblivion: Finding your unknown

Competition: Fighting for your own self against the odds of others

Hope: Always looking for something more, the future should be bright