Orange evening in my room.
He's kissing the hollow of my back.
His brooding eyes; look into mine,
he has my heart trapped in a sack.
The passion in our short breaths, is real.
The way he tugs at my hair,
makes my eyes roll back into my sockets.
"I love you" he says, so easy.
I'm not more than a lost locket.
Pressed against his dulcet collarbone,
rocking together in our cradle of lust.
He's biting my earlobe...
I'm digging my nails at his back.
His wedding ring on the table,
collecting dust.

The world is a well lit ballroom.
The forest; a spread rug.
Daylight's wasting, it's taking forever,
I'm drinking water from a coffee mug.
People dancing, they take their turns.
It's hard to tango when you're just one.
Dancing has now turned to war,
ballroom dancing is so much fun.
After the long day. the sun is pink
the sea crashes at the well lit shore.
People bow and thank me again,
they kiss my hand, don't know what for.
I have been sitting here,
for as long as I know.
Midst spider webs and lady bugs.
People come and people go,
I'm drinking water from a coffee mug.

They say, "She's so arrogant."
"I hate that girl." they say.
but they only see a quiet girl,
who hardly looks at them in the eye.
What they don't see,
is a wounded soul, drowning in the air
that she breathes.
And to drown in air, is the worst
because air is all I've got.
I heard her say, "She is weird."
"I need to stay away from her." she said.
But all she saw, was a loner with
dark eye liner around her eyes.
What she didn't see,
was that the eye liner is the closest
I felt to my authenticity.
That I am actually so paranoid that sometimes,
I wonder if I am lying to myself.
They say, "that girl is getting nowhere."
"She is ruining her life." they say.
They saw me cancel plans repeatedly
they saw me make excuses and lies.
What they couldn't see,
is my heavy heart and the overwhelming anxiety
and how scared I am of not dying
but living.

Hello, Cobain.
I don't know you
but I know you.
I understand your mind
and I know how annoying it is
when they say,
"I understand."
It kills me when they say,
they are on the same boat.
I refuse to believe that.
and do you, too?
I hate this atmosphere, Cobain.
I am scared of living not dying.
And I am probably
going to live a decade before,
I wither and burn out.
I understand when you say,
to burn out than to fade away.
Because to fade,
it takes a long while.
Longer than you and I can take.
The world is a silly place.
I know you get it.
I know that you understand,
this feeling of don't belong.
I am happy for you, Cobain.
You are where you find your sanity.
Do you know the world better now?
Do people make you laugh?
I am dreaming to be there,
in your arms while you kiss my neck.
And I stroke your hair,
in a state of bliss and knowing.
That you and I are souls,
of the same kind.
We finally meet.

I saw god,
grab my mother by the hair
and slam her head repeatedly,
till there were blood stains on the wall.
I remember each crease on his face
from my usual nightmares,
from memories I can't recall.
I saw god,
kick her in the stomach
till she lied on the floor,
numb.
He slapped her face
and punched her in the back
and then some.
I have seen the dark hollows
beneath her eyes,
as she wept in the silence of night.
Here, it was always grey.
There was no hope.
There was no light.
The house,
it reeked of burnt dreams
and pillow stained with tears.
She stopped to laugh.
Then stopped to cry.
Her eyes were filled with fear.
I saw god,
he cracked those jokes
and laughed among the crowd.
I watched her rock herself to sleep.
Only to wake startled,
to this silence so loud.
She kissed my cheek
and let me know,
"Darling, you are my only smile."
I saw her dance,
to pattering rain
When she was sane for a while.
I saw god,
grab a knife
and run behind her, till she fell.
And time and time,
what upset my god?
I just couldn't tell.
Soon enough,
she broke down.
Her eyes were blank as slate.
I kissed her cheek
and combed her hair.
But I knew it was too late.
Her eyes were dry,
she took my hand.
"I love you." she said.
It's been so long
that she is gone.
The ring of her voice
is still in my head.
I saw god,
crack open a wine
and once again,
laughed among the crowd.
She is still here,
weeping in a corner.
Waking me up,
to this silence so loud.