The way you spoke felt the way hot sand felt between my toes, a kind of painful pleasure that eventually made me run back to the ocean to cool off. You remind me of the ocean too, although not the ones seen in holiday brochures. More like the angry part of the ocean I saw in Spain years ago, rising high and mighty above me, putting me in my place. It even knocked me down, just like you did.

I don't regret knowing you, I just regret loving you. I regret surrounding myself with you and your incapability to love anything other than yourself, your incapability to care about anything that didn't directly involve you. How sad, how unfair that I am left here to drown in self-loathing and you are still out there, still happy, still care-free, still clueless about what you did to me.

I miss something particular about you; not your hands, not your lips, not anything near your skin. I miss the little neurotic pieces of your mind and the way you said my name that night. Most of all, I miss just having someone to talk to. How stupid of me to convince myself you are all I need, only to have you leave like everybody else. It's frightening that even though I am surrounded by people, you're the only person that really exists to me, the only person that made me realise I'm not alone. And God, I am so lonely.

I'm leaving. I'm scattering my soul to the wind in the hope I'll find myself someday. Try to love yourself and next time, fall in love with someone who looks at you as though he can see your soul more than he can see your skin. Stop looking for reasons to die and start searching for reasons to live. You are worth more than what you settle for. You are not alone.

I am falling
back to where I used to be
except
you're not going to be there for me.
It hurts
knowing I was in love with an illusion
of what I thought you were,
knowing I am in love with a ghost,
knowing I am in love with someone
who doesn't exist.
It hurts
because I am still seventeen
and you were my friend
and you used me
and I'm still naive enough
to think that maybe you'll call
or maybe
I'll come home one day and see your car
and I'll see you
and you'll tell me it was a mistake
and you'll say you know what you want now
and you'll say you want me,
and you'll say you love me.
I guess I'm just deluded, right?
Stupid,
Psychotic,
Blind.
Let me tell you this:
I never wanted anything but you,
but you never wanted anything
other than my body
which I gave to you.
But it wasn't enough.
I wasn't enough for you.
*******
for making me feel worthless again.
*******
for making me think you were my friend.
*******
for not coming back to me.
I thought you were an angel
sent to save me,
to put me back together again.
I thought you were a masterpiece.
I thought I found God when I kissed you.
I thought that above all,
you would keep me safe,
you would protect me,
you would care about me.
But no,
you broke my ******* heart.
*******
for breaking my heart.

I will use you to inspire me.
I will use you like you used me
except I will use you
to create beauty.
I will write as if my life depends on it
I will write about you
but no longer will I write for you;
I will write for myself, only.
I will become better than you.
I will sing louder
loud enough so that you can hear me
and I hope it hurts your sick little heart.
I will devote my hands to the pen
instead of your body.
I will use my voice to speak;
to speak about what you did to me.
I will use my voice to speak poetry
instead of wasting it on you.
I will chase my demons away
without you.
I spent all this time thinking
I needed you
when I don't need you at all.
I will find revenge
not by causing you pain
but by striving to rise above you
and your *******.
I will be better than you
and you will realise what you walked away from
and you will regret walking away.
One day
you will think of me
and you will hate yourself for letting me go.
You will hate yourself for hurting me
and you will break the way I broke in front of you.
I will find love
and you will never have the courage to feel anything for anyone.
You will tell your friends I'm a '******'
but if loving someone
and caring for someone
makes me a ******;
I guess I like being a ******.
I will use you like you used me
but not for greed;
to inspire me.

I wish I told you how I felt. I guess it's hard to articulate how you feel to someone when you're sat half naked on the edge of their bed in a room that once looked so recognisable, with a boy who suddenly seems like a stranger to you. His eyes aren't the ocean anymore, more like glaciers that freeze up your heart. His body seems like an anomaly amongst others, or maybe yours was. Your eyes can't melt all the ice inside him and you're too scared to look at him anyway. You slowly turn your defeated body towards his, and with your eyes staring at the bed you manage to choke 'I can't do this.' You ask him to take you home and he hugs you and touching him is the worst thing in the world because now you can't kiss him; you can't press your lips to his neck and make him laugh and you can't run your fingers through his hair because he doesn't love your little hands anymore. He never did.
His ****** old car is the one place you felt safe but on the drive home you can't breathe properly and it's hard to do anything except smoke cigarette after cigarette. Your eyes are glaring at the road and he keeps trying to say things but his voice doesn't sound right anymore and you turn the music up. You tell him you have nothing to say, when in reality you have everything to say. That night, you have never been so quiet in your life. You didn't even realise you were quiet because your mind was screaming so loud you thought everybody could hear. And oh, how you wish he could hear; those familiar little thoughts that he so wonderfully banished from you mind only to bring them back even stronger than before. Your mind turns black. You could feel everything and nothing.
He pulled up to your house and you finally found the strength to look at him one last time. He tries talking but you're still not listening because the minute your eyes rest on him you notice. You notice all the parts of his face you forgot to kiss, you notice he's had a haircut, you notice he looks so much like the ******* angel you thought he was. You realise you'll never get to feel that body against yours again, that you'll never be able to touch him with a purpose, that you'll never be able to wrap yourself around him on bad days and just let him hold you. But then you remember there's someone else kissing him now, and that haircut wasn't fo you. You realise he's had another girl's body against his and he's touching her without purpose, without emotion... he's touching her the same way he touched you. You realise he was the one holding you together and you get out of the car and you walk in to your empty house and you fall apart all over your kitchen floor. You have your knees pulled up to your chin like always, as if you're trying to hold yourself together on your own. You don't know how to be on your own and you're crying and screaming because you didn't say what you wanted to say and he's gone. He was your best friend and he used you and your body and he broke your ******* heart and you were too busy trying to keep it together to voice this. And now you can't keep it together. Three whole days have passed and you're still too disgusted with yourself to look in the mirror. You can't find a place that feels like home anymore. You left your pathetic little heart in his room or his car or his hands and you've felt like a ghost ever since. It's hard to see or listen or breathe because he was home and he's gone. And you can't even find the will to hate him. You only hate yourself.

I think I found God somewhere in between your lips and mine. At one point when our mouths connected I poured my entire being in to you and you exhaled in a way that said ''I accept you.'' I looked at your face through the cigarette smoke and I knew then that you are all I need. You do not realise what you do to me. The simple act of your fingertips against my spine makes me shiver endlessly. You hold me close and your lips are on my neck and I tremble and I can't stop. I fall apart in front of you. In that moment I am yours to pull apart and destroy but you don't; you look at me and your eyes embrace me and you let me in and I bury my face in your neck as a silent thank you. You make me feel more than I've ever felt in my life; sometimes I want to cry because my heart feels like it's forcing its way out of my chest to be consumed by you. When you're not here I feel non-existant. I think I have been dead for 17 years and that first kiss brought me to life in ways I didn't think possible. Your voice in my ears is like music composed just for me. You give me so much simply by touching me. The world is swallowing me whole but the moment I am in your arms I'm no longer part of this world. I am in the heaven that is your embrace, a safe haven where I don't feel like my mind is screaming. My mind is quiet when I am with you. My mind is quiet and my heart is loud.

I don't understand myself at times.
I am so scared,
so terrified of the future.
I am so wary
from the past.
I often trip over regret.
I think about you so often it makes my head spin.
I fell on to my knees today in tears
and what's more;
I think I'm falling in love with you.
Your kisses speak love
and your presence relaxes me
but being without you makes me uneasy,
and this is what terrifies me.
I'm so scared it's not real,
that you're not real,
that everything we felt that night
is not real.
I wish I could be quick
to trust those perfect lips.
I've never craved someone before,
I've never needed someone
to complete me
until you;
you with those ocean eyes,
those arms that encompass me,
those kisses that fill my lungs.
I don't know how to look at you
without losing my breath.
Kissing you makes me want to cry
from the beauty it creates,
from the love it creates.
You are ecstasy.
You are the hands I need to hold
in the dark.
You are the lips I want to feel
forever.

We lay here in the dark; face to face, half asleep, completely alive. There is no sound besides our breathing, nothing exists except our bodies entangled together. Your fingertips knead the bottom of my back and I trace my fingers across the path of your spine. We wait and wait and wait and it happens. Your lips find mine the same moment mine find yours. We become lost in each other, our mouths connecting until we feel our minds, our hearts, our souls connecting. You pull me on top of your body and we hold each other there, continuing to kiss until our lungs are full. Your breathing is heavy and longing and it sounds like music in my ears and I kiss your neck gently as a silent thank you, as a silent 'I love you'. You roll me effortlessly on to my back and you tower over me. You delicately brush the hair out of my face and look at me like I am beautiful and in this moment I feel beautiful. You press your lips to mine once again, a sense of urgency in the way you move, a sense of desperation. You begin gently kissing my throat and I throw my head back and in this moment I know that I have given myself to you and I am yours and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. In this moment I know that I love you with all I have.