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maile tuaone Mar 2014
fool me once.
that's all it takes.
for me to leave you,
not trust you.
keep as far away from you.

save the apologies,
spare me the excuses.
i don't care for your reasons
nor for your justifications.

once is all it takes
for me to believe that
you can do it again.

don't give me your promises,
i don't want your sweet talk,
don't whisper about the future,
and please don't sing about love.

cause i saw what you gave to her
and i know it's the same as mine.

so don't think i'm dumb,
and don't assume i'm naive.
cause once is enough for me.
to prove to you that

i'm no fool.
ugh...it's so hard to find good men these days... over it.
maile tuaone Mar 2014
she's slowly starting to forget things
but she preps her mind in stride
she constantly worries about this
i can tell when she tries to hide

and i know that it's absolutely frightening for her.
to lose her mind. to lose herself. to let worry win her over.
she focuses more out of fear and concentrates fiercely.
she practices her sounds and her faces. she memorizes scriptures and places.

"remember when we did this" - "it feels so long ago that we did that"
and i don't have the heart to tell her that i wasn't there.  
and my soul hurts for this dear woman of mine...who is slowly losing her mind.
as she tries to grasp the sanity that was never meant to stay long.

my mama is getting older. so i'll continue to use that excuse and comment lightly
that it is only stress that's getting to her. that she needs a holiday.
she'll take those reasons for now...but i know she still hides.
not a poem at all...just a cry of frustration. i feel/fear for this woman.
maile tuaone Mar 2014
can i be close to you?
can i be the last thought on your mind?
can i be the last deep sigh you made
when you finally shut your eyes?

can i be the memory from a familiar smell?
or the perfect song from the radio
that you can't seem to get out your head
because it sings along as you go

can i be the warmth under your covers?
or the tingling chill down your spine
when you see something beautiful
or when i whisper that you're only mine

can i be that hidden smile you make
when you think no one is around?
can i be the destination you take
when you're driving through town?

because i want to be everything to you.
even the simplest and daily things you do.
because then i'll know that you're thinking of me,
just as much as i'm thinking of you.
holy hell. where did all that romantic junk come from?? - that's right - from my banana/peanut butter/honey/granola sammich. you're welcome. - edit and clean up later...for now, i'll enjoy this marvelous creation.
maile tuaone Mar 2014
i tend to fight these small battles every once in a while. small details of daily routine that trigger a foul part of me that doesn’t seem to stop until it grows tired of hurting inside. i never seem to get a grasp of how long it lingers in me until i finally feel the sun on my face again.

the point is, i get sick. i try to pretend as best as i can to jump and smile to show the happiness i enjoy in everyday…but at the end of the day…all i want to do is curl into myself and try to swallow the bitterness that eats me up inside.
my mother termed it “the funk” and it tends to come sporadically. it became obvious to her that it will always be my inner struggle to conquer. she lovingly and patiently lets it play on in the daily routine while standing on guard from the sidelines. she’s been through this before and will get through it right there with me. she’s a soldier and i pointedly take after her. i am her daughter.

i’ve discovered through experience what triggers it most of the time. it’s him. the lingering thought of him. once again coming into focus from a blurry image from my lens of perspective and i spot the difference. i sense the change. i see what’s missing all over again. and feel that familiar pain. soon the rain starts to trickle down from the angry cloud forming quickly above my head. and i’m gone.

snippets of images recorded in my head are then returned to me. words and phrases repeated from another that doesn’t match the baritone or time it was once said. that he once said. to the lady in charge, or to the siblings…or even to me. and i become confused. then hurt. then lonely. then angry.

never ending process that has become all too familiar for the girl who has enough estranged thoughts swimming around in her already chaotic, messy mind. once the thoughts are set in, the pain settles a little longer in the mess of my heart and the images become all too painfully clear to see.

he becomes everything. he’s sitting at the dinner table. he’s watching the basketball game in the room. he’s fixing the washing machine. he’s driving in from working a 14 hour shift. and i can see it all and even hear it sometimes. i hear him humming the songs from the oldies station. i listen for the quiet chuckle after mum attempts a joke at the kitchen counter.

you are correct when you say i seem to be a little off. to imagine someone who has not been in my physical presence for years and yet can appear at random times of my day to painfully remind me…that he has not been there. it hurts too much to even breathe.

you are also correct when you say that i have not found that closure yet. but searching for an answer, all the while re-affirming the steps to the plan of salvation…does not fill in the rest of the time of my day when a memory intertwines with this very moment. and whatever i say to myself, the mantra i give myself daily, cannot justify the emptiness echoing within the confinements of my funked-up imagination.

however, i am trying. i am improving. instead of the flashback brushing against me in spite. i allow it to remain. i allow it to connect. to coincide. to remind me of all the many great things that can become of this past reflection of him. i invite it rather than despise it. i turn forward and welcome whatever else my mind can remember of him. i learned to cherish it. i learned to cherish him. his past with my now.

songs, smells, places, time of the day…i watch for them most carefully and take a moment to myself to learn from it. raise my face to the sun and finally feel the familiar warmth again.

i know there will be more bad days. more painful reminders. more hiding under the covers and suffer in silence. but i know for myself that there’s always room for improvement and a chance to take that single opportunity within stride. it’s still here. he’s still here.

**and i’m finally okay with that.
maile tuaone Oct 2012
i wear a band on the finger that show the most significance.
i wear them to protect myself - for security purposes...
and i now i long for it to ring true for me.

because i am used to the feeling of them on my finger.
rings indented  to show the false pride...
that i am still indeed lacking the commitment.

it is no longer a simple slip off the finger
if a handsome fellow passes by and takes a glance
because there are marks to prove that i am somewhat "loose"

tied to no one and yet longing to be with the one
who could be the bearer of such a simple gift
to wear with meaning on my finger...

rotating the false band to the other digits of my hand
and someday soon gaining the strength to either
take it off completely...or make it official.

such a silly girl am i.
maile tuaone Sep 2012
he's heading for the dead end because i'm holding onto the map.
i'm the gps sending him to his doom down heartbreak avenue.
one way street with only one way out...heartbroken.

the feelings of jumping ship from the love boat has taken over my mind.
my heart has not caught on so quickly but will always follow regardless.
trudging along and griping about the hardships of climbing out of the hole once again.

nothing new here to see. nothing different from the last time.
i'll take the chance to flee. so i'll fly...and once i've fled...
i will look back at the damage done like a crash that could have been inevitably avoided.

i'm sorry.
it's happening again...and i don't know how to stop it this time...
maile tuaone Sep 2012
i'm sorry i haven't written in so long...
putting it all down in pen makes it that more true...
for me to tell you that i'm starting to go through the without...
from inside me gasping for that breath of fresh and new...

i don't need you anymore. i don't want you anymore.
but it's already too late for you isn't it??
signed in ink across your infatuated heart.
...you're ****** committed.

and i'm ****** *******. when will i ever learn and grow.
from this ever-lasting embarrassment of attaching yet another...
to experience another agonizing and analyzing phase of being together.
it would have been better if you broke my heart.

then i wouldn't have to feel so guilty and betrayed...
by my own misconception of what is really change of heart.
without your empty promises and quirky remarks...
i might enjoy the train wreck we seem to be becoming.

take it from me, you don't want to be part of this.
because the change coming from within...
will be the better judgement of us both...
and i'm already suggesting that i'm going without.
...i haven't done this for a while...so its completely jumbled. sloppy...and true to a T.
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