i think i forgot the sacred of my name
until you said it out loud, in full time over
and time over
you say to me life is coming
life comes
i think i forgot the bloom of my name
i think i heard it as release
i think i heard it as love
come on love
tell me my name

they should call me pleutienne
"because you love the rain"

*april 9, 2015

i think about how my fist is the size of my heart
and i let you hold my hand a lot
i fold you around me so you can hold me
and a whales heart is the size of a car
and i can fit inside one
and we could fit inside one.

i mean you are capable of holding my fist in your one hand.
i mean you can nearly hold my whole rib cage in your two hands.
i can fit in you.
you pick me up underneath my underarms sometimes
and i think i'm comfortable when you do,
when i let you do that.

*friday, april 3, 2015

maybe this is better than you always
being a part of me.
maybe this is better than that.
maybe it is better to learn to grow into you.
to allow you to grow me.
and maybe this is better than some sort of pain.
to come to you,
knowing me as mine
knowing me as existing always with myself:
always being a part of me, always being in my blood,
always being in my arms, in my eyes,
in my history, bloodied through the ages,
i come to myself.
i come from myself to you.
this is different, this i have not said before.

*tuesday, march 17, 2015.

i mean his eyes they hold light in different ways
they let in light in different time,
they see light in different lights.
and i mean when he looks at me
it's as if he's seeing two different things;
he lets me in in two different ways.
and when he holds me it makes me feel calm
like the waves of his two differently dilated pupils
keep me rocking back and forth between the
tides he swells up around me
to pull me into him.

*monday, march 16th 2015.

i drink a lot of orange juice.
and i mean a lot.
enough to make people think i have scurvy.

and i cook in crop tops and
paint stained sweatpants.

i recite "scars" by rudy francisco in my shower
and i cry to "if you ever did believe"
by stevie nicks often enough.

what i'm trying to say is that i am
moulding a world where you don't
physically inhabit any part of it.

"there is nothing new except what has been forgotten"

*november.25.2014 8:44 p.m.

i can remember your hands on my body
and feel entirely on fire
and i can remember the softness
of lying in your arms
and my entire heart softens with sadness

i can miss you with such strength
i can miss you with such pain
i can acknowledge inside of me i love you

but i can remember two weeks
and when you didn't hold me
and your sidestepping my anger and me as well

i am in love with who was mine.
i did trust you not to make yourself
to me someone who i would not
think to be with.
(this is selfish i know. i expected to stay unhurt,
i expected to recognize you in all your forms;
you showed me one i did not know you occupied)

i stay with my thumb
running across the features of your face,
loving you as you were mine.

i love you goodbye and tell you
that i will try to understand,
now, when you are not mine.

*sunday, november.16.2014, 6:03 P.M.

i don't want this to have taught me the ways
and reasons as to why i should grow cold
if anything, i want to look at this cavernous thing
inside of me that you left behind and think:
i know how to love. i know how to love so much.

and for you, it was not enough.
or it was too much.
i'm not sure.
but i allowed myself to see myself
through loving you
and no i don't think thats unhealthy
i have learned about the love that lies in me
i know that it will pick itself up,
brush off all this disappointment,
and twice tasted hurt
and achey remembrances
and say to itself, "you are so good,
your love is so good."  

*monday 10:19 p.m. november.3.2014