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magnoliajelly Mar 2014
vicious.
invincible oath (such *******)
victorious, we made it out different than the others
integral parts of your life lost so easily between essays and a soft mouth
even when your phone rings first
no i have to work
no go on without me
even i can't understand all this; a tide rises inside me

*march 12 2014/12:10 A.M.
magnoliajelly Jan 2014
more than ever i am in conversation
with the nymphs that live in my heart.
one is tapping her foot against
the fleshy underside of me.
her mirror twin is picking at her
cuticles, demanding touch,
demanding pulling at hair
demanding deep, slow kisses.

but both know neither
wants to be kissed
or touched
without meaning anymore.

i no longer want to be had,
i want to be loved.

*january/30/2014/4:38 P.M.
melodramz title mabes
magnoliajelly Jan 2014
i am sorry for having villainized you.
let me say this first:
i am so sorry for the pain i caused you.

i am also sorry for the grit
and rough
and mess you saw in
my skin. i am sorry
that i let it matter to me
that you saw these things.
i am sorry that i let you
make me feel like the
skin that i was writhing in,
that i was trying on
and tailoring (am still
tailoring) to fit me correctly
was somehow *****, somehow
not so clean. somehow covered in
the hands of too many boys
who made me unpure.
who you believed
somehow stole my
virtue with their kiss.
(like they would be so powerful
as to **** it from my lips)
i am sorry that you believed
that this caused such a gaping
space between us that we could
no longer lie next to each other.

the truth is,
i miss you somedays.

it makes me ache to know
that you missed my first
love. you missed his smile
and his stupid decisions,
and the effect he had on me.
you missed the way he brought
my mind to a lull.
my whole body to a
present moment.
you missed the disappointment,
the pain, the deep and crushing
heartbreak.
you missed the day he said goodbye.
you missed me picking up
the parts of myself i didn't
know existed in such a way
that they could fall apart.

i had seen you through that all
and you will only know of mine
through what i will tell you.

i am sorry to have hurt you.
to have lost you.
i was shedding skin and so were you.

*january/27/2014/12:23 A.M.
i used somehow a lot
magnoliajelly Jan 2014
in my dreams i blend the two of you together.
you share the same skin tone already,
almost the same hair colour.
but one pair of eyes
gives way to the colour of the other.
i look into them and think warmth, safety, kindness.
but they still hold the other's alertness, the same beam.

one's body falls into the other's gait.
strong, broad, muscled with soft force
now carried with confidence and ego
that melts my knees.

laughs come together as something
like a grab at my chest, or waist,
or a hand behind my ear, or at the back of my neck.
the thought of it forces me to lick my lips.
hands remain in their already similar manner.
voices boil down to love potion.
lips to plushy incantation.
stretch marks, scars,
and treasure trails begin
to double up.

chest hair sprouts where
it once wasn't.

part of me is disgusted by my dreaming
of a crock *** boy that once was two.
but another part knows
neither of them wants me wholly
either.

*friday/january 17/2014/12:16 A.M.
don't really know where this came from the title might be a bit melodramz but i don't feel like anything else suits it yet probs will go back and edit it later but who knows whateva
magnoliajelly Jan 2014
there are some men i should no longer kiss
i know this in the deep and thirsty pit of my body.
in the arch my back creates when they are close.
in the choruses of anticipation my entire body
hums out as their tongues meet mine.

these men,
i should really keep from.
one in particular,
he leaves such hunger on my body.
he leaves his name where he kisses my cheeks,
his presence inbetween my fingers long after he has gone.
magnoliajelly Nov 2013
do not muse yourself with ideas that i no longer think of you
do not muse yourself with ideas that i do
the boys i kiss don't taste like you,
the boys i kiss don't feel you
the boys i kiss do not take me upstairs

i realize i spend time staring at one who mimics you
only sightly though,
only barely

do not dream that this is harder on me than you
nor that this is harder on you than me
i know i am an absence in your bed,
at your dinner table,
in the curve of your body when you lie on your side

do not worry, i am not dreaming of you
do not worry, i am dreaming of you

i do not want you,
i will want you.

november.12.2013
*1:42 P.M.
magnoliajelly Oct 2013
JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD AND MY LIFE AND
WHATEVER ******* HIDDEN PLACE YOU LIVE IN INSIDE ME

But don't go
And don't stop talking
And don't leave me
Just stay with me don't stay no stay

11:54 A.M.
*October.30.2013
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