i know that
most days
the cathedral of your body
with all its dips and curves
forgotten staircases
and ripped velvet covers
on the splintered pews
is hard to love

and there are days
where you wish that your
body would have manifested itself
as a palace
made of ivory and bone
with great empty halls
that would host nothing else
but your anguished cries
and empty stomach

but these things
are incapable of filling you up
because it is hard to sustain yourself
on bitterness and past scars alone

so i say to you
my friends
brothers and sisters
my lovers
and those living in the wastelands
of themselves

cast aside these
things for you are not a church
or a palace or a temple

no
you are something
much stronger and vast
grow yourself into a forest

turn all the sleepless nights
and breakdowns and hospital visits
and suicide attempts
and those traintracks of scars
into the great twisting trunks of trees

grow yourself as big and bold
as you need to be
protect yourself
wrap up all your sharp and soft
edges and corners
into the bark of mother nature

become a forest
because
through fire and drought and storm
and flood
the forest always comes back
even the charred remains of trees
stand strong

so
i say to you
with your dark circles
and long sleeves
and chest hidden behind a binder
with all your scars
and imperfections
be a forest
because
a forest is unstoppable
it always comes back
it always grows back

and so will you

the earth warmed up under my feet
steam rising from the ground
swirling upwards in the sun light
like one big exhale
and i noticed that my breath
only came out in a whoosh
no cloud this time
and i wondered briefly if
i hadn’t died
and just forgot about it
but a raindrop fell from a
water-logged plant and landed
on the top of my head
buzzed hair not being much protection
from water of any kind
and i smiled
because i was alive ******
i was alive
and music was playing loud in my ears
i could feel the chill of the wind through my layers
and even though my breath made no cloud
when it left my mouth
i was still breathing
my lungs still expanding
like a flower that had gone too long
without sunlight
and i looked up at the gray sky
the clouds drifting way up above
letting the smells of wet bark dust
and sidewalk and plants and trees
fill my heart and my head with a little
bubble of hope

i left some of myself
behind last night
sitting on the edge of my bed
shaking in a batman tee shirt and boxers
the smell of fear wafted off my skin
and when the razor met my flesh
i was surprised that it did not sizzle
or protest in some way
though i suppose that may have been up to me
but i kept going
scratching until i bled
taking off some hair as well
and i wanted to slice right in the middle of my arm
but i was afraid of bleeding out
because right then
i didn’t want to die
i was just tired

my shoes
vans bought from goodwill
for way less than they would be
in the mall store
with strawberry shoelaces that
are a bit too short
but effectively turn the shoes into
slip-offs
leave pine needles and dirt on the
old gray bus seat where my feet rested
as i read
head back against the window
skull knocking along with the bumps in the road
losing myself in someone else’s fictional life
as i stand to leave
i brush them off with a shaky hand
watching as they land on the floor
and brush the seat once more for good measure
wondering how many other pieces of myself
i have left behind me

“do cats understand time?”
i ask my cat
scratching under her chin
“or do you just move
between food and sleeping?”
“it’s been a year since honey bear died”
“do you miss her too?”

my cat gave no answer
not even a purr
but her eyes looked sad
and then i remembered that
after honey bear died
she would lay right where
the dog’s bed used to be
as if she were keeping watch

i still find dog hair
on some of my clothes
and the whole back seat
of my stepdad’s truck
is blanketed in her fur
it still smells like her

so does the closet
out in the livingroom
where her bed used to be
and sometimes
i still think i can hear
her toenails on the floor
her little huffing breath
and i miss her so much

i have had dreams
where i go to the back door
and call her name
over and over
leaning out of the doorway
and into the dark night
but she never comes
she never comes
and i wait
calling her name over and over
but she never comes

it’s been exactly one year
since she passed
a whole **** year
and it doesn’t feel anywhere
near that long
it feels like yesterday

my chest hurts
my heart aches
i feel hollow
i miss my girl so much
but
i know she is no longer in pain
she can see
and run without her hips hurting
there are no more needles
no more vet visits
but i miss her so

i love her
i love her
i lover her

hey!
yeah you
listen up
step away from the keyboard
and watch as my fingers fly
nimbly over the keys
never mind if it sounds like
i am smashing them into submission
chances are i am

but please try not
to cry or cringe
at what you see
it is one word
three letters
and i even went to the trouble
of putting spaces in between
B O Y

do you see that
that word
that wonderful magical
true and encompassing
word

it is you
and you are it
one and the same
B O Y

and even on the days
when you do not see it
there is someone out there
who will **** hickeys
into your chest
that spell out the word
and you will see that word
when you shower
or change
it will be there
like a bruise
blooming like a flower
against pale skin
B O Y

for this is what you are
through the good and the bad
whether you realized it at three
or forty
that is still valid
you are valid
and you always will be

you are a boy
******
you are male
and ***** be ******
because your ***** are
still bigger
they just hang from a different spot
but i understand the need and
the want to cut them off
and that does not make you a
bad person
it makes you
a survivor

you are doing
the best you can
in concerns to your body
and the world around you
i know this
i do

because i hear your voice
whenever i see a picture of you
and you are telling me that you
love me
and i know that you are scared
but you are still here
and that makes you a hero in my eyes

you are a boy
you are a boy
you are a boy
you are

if you pick me up
from my house
and find me standing in the driveway
fidgeting with my hands and tapping
my foot
it is not your fault

it is the feeling that i do not
deserve to be treated kindly
carved into my bones
and i am trying to scratch it out
because seeing your smile
makes tears sting my eyes
but the second i slide into
the seat next to you
and you put your hand on my knee
i already feel safer

if i spend more time
looking at the menu than at you
it is not your fault

i am not counting the calories
because they are not listed
and it is usually only hospitals that do that
but i am afraid to look you in the eyes
because all i will see is love
and a sparkle that i am afraid
i will ***** out

if i only eat a little bit of my food
and  ask the waiter to bring a to-go
box to the table along with our plates
it is not your fault

it is the flashbacks of my family
making fun of the way that i ate
one thing at a time
because even as a boy
i was already being wrapped tighter
and tighter in the grasp
of trauma-induced OCD

if i **** away when your foot
touches mine under the table
it is not your fault

nor is it really mine
and isn’t that strange
that my mother only doling out
cruel touches can still cling to me
even as a young man

if i only take one bite of the dessert
that you ordered just for me
it is not your fault
and i am sorry if i hurt your feelings

but even though the anorexia is
now just a faint whisper in the back of
my mind
it is still there
and at just a whiff of the sweet
i am barraged by the cruelty
in her eyes
when she told me how fat i was
and then praised and loved me
when i was nothing more than
skin and bones

if i go rigid when you hug me
and then bury my head in your shoulder
it is not your fault

i am not good at receiving affection
or kind words
because i grew up with a severe lack of both
and i had none of either left to give myself
because i did not know how to
but i want you to know
that standing there
in the circle of your arms
breathing in your distinct smell
i feel safe
and loved
like i’ve come home