i have never been sexually assaulted

but i have been abused

since i was just a little boy

i was seven years old

and i felt so alone

and wrong

and hated

and everybody just

told me to smile

like that could

make the bruises on my wrists

from my mother dragging me around

fade

like it would make the hatred i felt for myself

go away

and i have stayed up all night

talking to my friends

so they wouldn't hurt themselves

or worse

and they did the same to me

and the circles under my eyes

and coffee on my breath

were taken so lightly

but how could i go to sleep

mother

knowing that my friends

had the power and

reasons

to end their own lives

to tear open their skin

to swallow handfuls of pills

how could i

how could i

and you yelled at me to go to bed

but ******

i couldn't

because they had done the same for me

even on school nights

but you don't understand

because this hasn't happened to you

but to me

it is very real

it is happening now

it is all i know

the yelling

the crying

the blame

the abuse

and so much hatred

for you

but mostly for myself

and you do not understand

because it has not happened

to you

dear you
before you take my mother out after work
keep her for three and a half more hours
than she would usually be
please remind her
that she isn’t like you
and has a family at home
waiting for her
with hungry bellies
and open arms

please remind her
that she has a son
that has literally not seen her
for three days
he needs her
and he wants to know
why she can’t even look at him
he needs to know
where his mother went
the one that used to
let him wear his favorite purple
footie pajamas and rainboots
as they walked down to the store
for ice cream bars
and held him
when the nightmares got too bad

dear you
before you take my mother out after work
and send her home
in your bright orange jacket
reeking of you and liquor
please remind her
that she has a husband
who has loved her
for seven years
even though she continually drove him away
she has a husband
whose eyes light up when he sees her
she has a husband
who broke down his barriers
so he could hug her
and hold her close
without that ever-present fear of
her slipping away
again

please remind her
how happy he makes her
how happy she makes him
and the house that he lived in alone
for so long
is finally more than just a shelter
against the elements
it is a home
but it can’t be that without her
  
dear you
before you take my mother out after work
please remind her to at least
call her son or her husband
to tell them that she won’t be home
to make dinner
and that her son will get to eat
a store bought dinner
for the second night in a row
and then it just sits there
and stares at him
screaming that she isn’t at home

please remind her
that she has people to
come home to
a husband
a daughter
and a son

please remind her
that she has a family ******
and we need her

please remind her
that even though
she can’t look her son in the eye
anymore
he will always need his mother

please remind her
that even though the liquor is
warm in her she has a son at home
that is so
sick and tired
of raising himself

I've had kind of a love/hate relationship with Katy Perry since middle school. Ya know, back when there were Heely's, and all of the students listened to Hot and Cold over and over again.

Back then, though, I was just discovering Marilyn Manson, and that was pretty much all I listened to. I was angry. And just lonely.

But, then, I heard Firework. It was just the audio at first. Probably on the radio. I was intrigued by the song. It resonated within me in a way that not many things had in a very long time. So, after hearing the song on Z100 a couple more times, I YouTubed the song.

Of course, that was before I got my own laptop. So, I sat out in the living room, on my mom's laptop, and just sobbed pretty uncontrollably while watching the music video over and over again.

The song, and video, really helped me to feel better about myself.

Around this time, I was also pretty heavily into my "emo" phase. Like, the Black Veil Brides tee, ripped skinny jeans, a horribly dyed fringe, and that ever-present black nail polish. I kept telling my mom that I wanted to change my name to Raven.

This was also before I came out as transgender. But, Raven is a pretty androgynous name. And, I really connected with the character from Teen Titans with the name Raven. I idolized her. I connected with her very heavily. I wanted to be her. Because, even though she was different and reserved, she had friends that loved her and accepted her for who she was.

I didn't have that. With my friends, I did to an extent. But, at home, it was just bad all around.

Cue Katy Perry and Firework.

I listened to the song so much. It was my go to when things were really bad at home. The song kept me going. In a way, the message behind it, kept me alive.

So, really, this song gave me the courage to be myself.

I listened to it a lot before I did finally come out as transgender.

But, then, I stopped listening to it. Because, I wasn't allowed to be myself in my house. I mean, my own mother didn't take me seriously until I tried to **** myself. Actually, more than a year and half, and two more hospitalizations later, she's still pretty bad about it.

Then, last night, I listened to this song for the first time since coming out. And, I sobbed. Like, full on head to the desk, fingers gripped in hair, sobbing.

I didn't realize how much I had missed this song. But, I did realize how far I have come from that scared sixteen year old girl that told her mother she was a boy. I have come so far. I really have. And, even though things seem bad right now, they will get better. I will get better. I will keep on growing as a person. I will stay alive. I am going to do this for myself. I owe this to that sixteen year old girl standing in her kitchen, fists clenched, and tears rolling down her cheeks.

i didn’t **** her, you did.

I have felt you for years
since the tender age of seven
before the onslaught of puberty
you nestled up under my ribs
closer and closer to my heart
you snaked your fat little fingers
up and into and out and around
the tender caricature of life
and when I was cut
it is you that seeped out
but no please don't think that
I was trying to get rid of you
I wanted to be closer to you
to hold you in my arms
for I was the only one that could
heed and hear your childish cries
for years I could feel you
curling around my brain stem
seeping into my addled brain
you were the cough medicine that
soothed not only my throat but
also the depths of my being
and I couldn't wait to meet you
I died so that you could live
this is not something to be sad
or to place blame about
because I saw you and the way
that life surged through you
how your toes curled and your fingers
closed around the edges of new life
I saw how you fought
to keep your eyes open
and I am sorry if I scared you
I just wanted to say goodbye to
my dear family and friends
but they couldn't hear me
and you felt that pain as well
but ****** Priestly I gave you
a second chance at life
so live it to the fullest
I will be watching over you
you're gonna do great kiddo
Love, Sarla

I met jesus
in a Powell's bookstore
we were mere ants under
his mighty boots

We took turns
following each other around
he left trails of blue ink
all along the book spines
and I wanted to lick it up

He bought my
coffee and a two day old scone
the only question he asked me
was why I didn't believe in him
when I said I didn't know

He said that
it was okay because
sometimes he didn't
believe in himself
either

I met jesus
at a simple little bookstore
and realized that
he was nothing more
than a man

how to thank you
all of you
but the specifics are
painful
and they feel like
trying to write on my skin
as a child
but the pen had no ink
so i just scraped the nib
back and forth
and called it good

so thank you
thank you all
you are the reason why
i stopped hurting myself
why i started eating again
why i am able to wear short sleeves
the smile on my face is even bigger than before
you taught me how to get up again
even when all i wanted to do
was lay down and give up

you taught me how to make the best
of a bad situation
how to believe in myself again
i love myself a little bit more than
i used to
i can cry freely now
and speak up when i need to be heard
but i can also sit and be quiet
when the time comes
and i wish my arms were long enough
to wrap you all up in my love
and if only i could hug away
your broken pieces
but ******
those are what make you you
and i find them beautiful
even if you may not

you taught me how to
open myself up again
break down the walls around my heart
i can see the light now
and it’s not just an oncoming train
and honestly
i thought i was doing fine
in my old and dark days
but then you all came around
and ruined it
and honestly
i could not thank you more