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Boaz Priestly Dec 2015
i first started hating my body
when i was seven years old
it was christmas eve
and by then i was too old to believe
in santa
but we still put out cookies and milk
for my little sister
and i asked my mom if i could
eat the cookies and have the
milk that year
she just looked at me
like i was an idiot
and asked me if i wanted to
get even fatter and be
just like santa

that was the year that i
also decided i hated christmas
i mean sure
i still loved giving and receiving gifts
and the family and friends
but the two week break and the
endless snow days were the hardest
because that meant that i had to
spend all day with my mother

because by then
she was done with being christmas mommy
all smiley and cheerful
and loving
only saying nice things
and had gone back to her
bottle and blunt

my fingers and toes were cold
as the years wore on
and in our white house
the toilet water in mom’s bathroom
froze solid
because we didn’t have enough money to
heat the whole house
but we sure as hell had enough money
to buy liquor

but liquor doesn’t make
a rumbling tummy quiet
and the warmth from brandy
only lasts for so long
before the sickness sets in
so i turned to vanilla extract
just a quick swig now and then
and i was warm
but not as warm as my little sister looked
with mom’s arms wrapped snug around her

and the canned food drives that went
on at school
i brought in what i could
giving up my lunch or dinner to
those that needed it more
but we were always on the list for
the food baskets
and the gifts from the school sants
and the cardboard boxes of
food from the church pantry
wielded nothing but
slits in my skin that burnt even more
with the cold
and dusty oatmeal for breakfast

it’s gotten better though
it really has
there is food in the cupboards and
in my belly
though i would rather not eat
but mom still comes home smelling of liquor
and christmas mommy still loves me
more than year-round mommy
ever could
ever will
i get christmas depression instead of christmas cheer. lucky me.
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
Last Friday, 11/20/2015, I came out to my class as a transgender male, in the name of Kantian Ethics. This type of ethics is named for the German philosopher, Immanuel Kant. The basis of his ethic is very similar to the well-known Golden Rule, though his version is worded in the older style of dialect: “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
His version of the Golden Rule is the first of three in The Categorical Imperative. The second one states, “we can’t predict the consequences, so actions must be governed by what is morally right.” The third, and final one is much more blunt, stating, “we can’t use other people as a means to an end.”

The debate we had, where one side was for Kantian Ethics, and the other side was for Utilitarian Philosophy, was sparked because of a short story by Ursula Le Guin, titled, “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.”
The short story is set in this fictional, utopian, town called Omelas. Everything is good, and all the people are happy. There is no need for drug-use, and the town is really up to the reader’s imagination to be described.
But, underneath all this seeming contentment and utopia, a darker secret lies.

In the introduction to this darkness, the author writes, “In a basement under one of the beautiful public buildings of Omelas, or perhaps in the cellar of one of its spacious private homes, there is a room.”
In this room, a child lives in fear and squalor. All the people of Omelas, children and elderly alike, know that this child is there. The child has no name, no discernible gender.

The children of Omelas, usually between the ages of eight and twelve, are told about this child. Sometimes young people come to see the child, and again as adults.
Most times, no matter how this matter has been explained to them, the young people witnessing this child, this pitiful thing, are shocked and sickened.
Again, more often than not, since the young ones are not inherently evil, they would like to do something for the child. But, they cannot.
For, if the poor child were brought up out of that basement...cellar...that horrible dark place, “all the prosperity and beauty and delight of Omelas would wither and be destroyed. Those are the terms. to exchange all the goodness and grace of every life in Omelas for that single, small improvement: to throw away the happiness of thousands for the chance of happiness of one: that would be to let guilt within the walls indeed.”

“The terms are strict and absolute; there may not even be a kind word spoken to the child.”

But, there is one thing that may make this realization less terrible and shocking for some: sometimes one of the young boys or girls who has gone to see the child doesn’t go back home. This also happens for older men and women. They just leave. They walk away from Omelas, alone, west or north, towards the mountains. They do not come back. They keep walking.

Being transgender, I feel for this child a lot. But, I also feel, and relate with, the people, young and old, who walk away from Omelas.
When I was seven years old, and still living as a female, I realized that I was different than the other young girls my age. It wasn’t just that I hated having my hair long, wearing anything but sneakers, ripped up jeans, and baggy sweatshirts, and was never a fan of dolls. I just felt, wrong. Not right. But, I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that when my mother called me her little girl, it made my stomach hurt. I thought I was sick. A freak. Why couldn’t I just be my mother’s little girl?

This is where the child at the root of Omelas’s happiness and purity comes in for me. I was living inside of myself. I was the parasite under my own skin. But, I did it to keep my family, and my friends, happy. I stayed quiet. Because, I have always put others before myself. I shut my true self away to keep my own little town in the sun. To keep my own little world spinning on its axis. For, if it were to fall out of orbit, I did not know what would happen, but I did know that it would be bad.

I stayed in the metaphorical “closet” until I was sixteen. Nine long years. Trust me, time moves the slowest for a child. A day can last a thousand years.

But, then, I had had enough. I had my new name, my big-boy-boxers on, and short hair. I was ready. I exploded out of myself in a burst of bright colors. I walked away from the gender norms that society had forced upon me from such a young age, I didn’t even know what they meant. But, on that day, when the angry sixteen year old boy walked away from the childbearing and rearing, the dresses and daughter, mother, sister, I knew that I was never going back.

I knew who I was. Who I had always been. And, my rage was beautiful, and absolute.
http://engl210-deykute.wikispaces.umb.edu/file/view/omelas.pdf
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
i will stick to your teeth
am i spicy
or am i sweet
either way i will
bring back memories that
will make you cry

back when it was just
you and your little girl
and there wasn’t enough money
for a beach trip
but you still bought her taffy anyway
and the two of you sat on the
front porch
watching the world move by
and you gently washed the
taffy off your daughter’s face

but when your little girl
became too big to hold
when she squirmed away from your touch
and screamed about the bows
in her hair
you wondered where your baby girl
had gone
and it was hard to love her
because she was a stranger
to you
and to herself

and now your little girl is gone
leaving an arrogant
angry and impatient boy in her place
but ******
he learned it all from watching you

and now this boy
wearing your little girl’s body
eats a bowlful of taffy
trying to fill the black hole
that you left in the middle of his chest

is this boy spicy
or is he sweet
he sticks to your teeth
dries out your throat
makes your stomach hurt
and you resent him
for taking your little girl away
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
Soldier
a gruff voice
over and over
right between my ears
duck
swim
crawl
shoot
shoot
louder and louder
my brain shakes
from the weight of
his cruel words

No
I say
in a clear voice that
does not shake or stutter
this surprises me
again I say it
No No No No
I will not do those things
I do not know how to
shoot a gun
probably point it at myself
I am a human
I am not a hammer

Listen
he pleads quieter this time
sit down across from me
let me show you my scars
look how my eyes water
look how my hands shake
I am human too
I do not know how
to be a hammer
I am too gentle
only know how to hurt myself
don’t look at me

Sat
down across from him
I avert my eyes
taking quick furtive glances
now and then
I catalog his messy hair
his cracked and crooked glasses
the bad teeth from refusing
to get braces again and again
the blood crusted around his nostrils
turns my stomach painfully
looking at his scarred arms and blunt fingertips I say
you’re no soldier

A
quiet and broken whimper
escapes him then
surprising us both
on instinct he reaches across
the table for my hand
he smiles weakly when I oblige
and murmurs
no I am a soldier
but not like them
I do not fight for
my country or for theirs
I fight for us for you

Understandably
this takes me by surprise
and when I look at him
more closely I realize he
is not wearing fatigues
we are dressed the same
except his clothes are
more tattered and old
he is me
only more haggard
and there is no familiar outline
of bandages
under his shirt

Smiling
sadly he pulls up his shirt
revealing crescent moon scars
where his ******* should be
the only familiar thing
about his chest and torso
are the ******* and stretch marks
free lightning tattoos
because even losing weight
time and time again
gain and lose
an endless cycle
doesn’t make the past fade

Again
I protest
saying we are not alike
I am not at war
this is all some sick joke
how can we be soldiers
without guns and
tightly laced combat boots
where are my dog tags
and the rapidly beating heart
where is the screaming
where is the war
where is the war

Standing
up he walks around the table
taking my face in his hands
shockingly soft fingers and palms
after all these cruel years
leaning his face closer
the brush of chapped lips
against cold ears
he speaks to my very soul
his words loosen my heart strings
quickens my breathing
he whispers
it’s all in your head

Now
it is my turn to shake
with weak knees
I fall against him
bury my face in his shoulder
breathe in my own musk
we stand silently
******* flush up against flat chest
and then he steps closer
melds with me and we are one
I can feel his heart beat alongside mine
I feel much older
utterly alone
Author's Note: in this poem, each stanza has thirteen lines. I kind of did this on purpose. Thirteen is an unlucky number, and, when I was in the hospital before being moved to sub-acute, the rooms went: 12, 14. There was no 13th room. So, I made myself the unlucky room. The unlucky number.
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
Dear Sarla
people look at me
and all they see is you
I hate that
and it makes me hate myself
you make me want to die
and hell if my pain tolerance
were higher I swear that I
would cut them off myself
because all they see is my
outsides and my double D *******
and even if I carved the word
boy in all caps
into the soft plush of my ******
a little lump that is always too small
to be seen as an ***** *****
they would still only see the
******* shoved away in the back
of my dresser drawer
cuddled up next to my sports bras
that does nothing to hide my *******
and I have been living inside you
for ten long years
my ***** are ready to drop
I even started shaving the little
peach fuzz stache your father shamed
you into bleaching
I let my leg hair grow out
and willed the chest hair to grow
around my navel and then into
the fleshy V
that my hips create
all of my body hair grows freely now
to keep me warm
but mainly to spite you
and ****** what they see
when they look at me
eyes coming up from my crotch
to my chest
is the shadow of a girl
they see a beautiful blossoming
young woman
and yeah okay
I can see that too
you would have been beautiful
but I cut and snuffed out
your life in the middle of the
prime of your youth
I killed you
and have been in the hospital
three times because of this
because of you
and when my first hospital doctor
told me that my coming out was
just a diversion tactic
it felt like the week old cuts
on my wrist
opened up and all of you that
was left inside of me
bled out at his fancy shoed feet
you were pepto-bismol pink
and my empty husk filled up
with the blues of a thousand
unshed tears
I was a raging ocean of boy
my waves crashed onto your body
until you were drowned in it
and then you were gone
but when people look at me
all they see is you
and my blood is blue on the inside
but when they cut me open
they didn’t see the blues
they saw my ******
and my tubes
and the folds of my womanhood
hell yeah though
they still saw my fat
fat thighs
fat stomach
fat arms
fat fat fat
they still see my scars
and my crooked glasses
and my *******
people still ask if I have
a ****
as if my genitals are any of
their ******* business
and probably if I did
get surgery
my cosmetic scars would still
label me as a freak
I still wouldn’t be enough of a
man for them
my ***** would never be big enough
no man or woman would ever be
able to love me with the lights on
because hell
I’m still not able to pleasure myself
your body is a landscape
albeit a barren one
filled with mines
and I am too clumsy to
traverse it
your ******* only become ***** from
the cold and the only wetness in
your boxers is blood
and I am afraid to look at you
in the mirror
because even I can’t will something
to grow that wasn’t programmed
from the start
and even the friends that never
even knew you
they hold you over me
I’m not a boy because I haven’t
had The Surgery yet
what bathroom do I use
I don’t count as a boy because
of my huge ****
I can’t be a boy because
I like pink shorts
and the only things that have
change are my name
and my hair
I am a *****
a girly boy
but ****
I’m enough of a man for myself
I will never be a mother
and I will only let them ****
me like a man
the swaying of my *******
as I bend over a constant
reminder that I am wrong
but the only boyfriend
I’ve had since sixth grade
only asked me out because
he had a crush on you
I have to tell people that I am
a boy and remind them of the pronouns
that I use
over and over again
but technically I’m still a girl
well technically *******
honestly though Sarla
I wish people would be able to
see through to me
because when my light does
distinguish I don’t want to
be buried in a dress
don’t want my mother to cry
over her little girl
I think my sister would cry
for me though
she calls me her older brother
and once called my ****** a peen
she has come around
with flying colors
and she really gets it
I know that when it seems
like the world is against me
I will always have her
she sees through you
to me Priestly underneath
and Sarla
as long as I have her
I know I’ll be okay
it makes the wait for people
to come around a lot easier
I love my sister so
and someday you really will be gone
***** and period and all
I’m going to have a proper burial
for you when I get home
but until then
I’ll take good care of your body
and I know you’ll be watching over us
Love Priestly
Author's Note: This poem, and the one after it, were written when I was on my third hospital visit, and had been transferred to sub-acute. Until now, they have both stayed in the moleskine that I brought with me. I hadn't even saved them to my Google Drive until now. It hurt a bit to type them out. But, I can't hide them forever. That's why neither of them has proper titles. This one was just written on my third day at sub-acute.
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
one. love
love?
i used to know what that meant
or at least i thought i did
i assumed it was what i felt
when i looked down at my little sister
sleeping next to me
so peaceful
none of the fearful yelling
that i needed to come and pick our
mother up off the floor
when all i wanted to do
was leave her lying there

two. safety
no
that is a filthy lie
one that i told myself many times
because i needed to be there for
my sister
protect her
look out for her
shhh
keep quiet
don’t let her know how much
mother scares me
how much i want to die
i feigned safety for the
sake of my sister

three. whole
foreign
concept to me
too young to understand that
the empty pit in my stomach
wasn’t from hunger
though i felt plenty of that
but it was from where the love
of a mother should have been
so no
i have never felt whole
i am hollow
the wind whistles through me
and that is the only sound i make

four. empty
familiar
i was comfortable with this one
no longer surprised by
the lack of food in our cupboards
and fridge
though the presence of all those
**** liquor bottles were an
ever-constant presence
at least mother dear was consistent

five. acceptance
please
don’t make me laugh
i only know what this word
means because google told me
heard it whispered on the
stinking ***** breath of
family that were not my own
but oh how i wanted to stay with them
i needed a place where i felt
that i belonged
that i was wanted
even if i was a jagged edge
to their smooth togetherness

six. abuse
nightmares
are not the only aftershock
of this
the taking of a childhood too soon
i have the scars
albeit self-inflicted
and the bruises
that are left deep in my psyche
and even now
being a young man
and bigger than her
i am still too afraid to fight back

seven. broken
jagged
glass embedded in my feet
and the palms of my hands
throwing away every sugar-coated lie
that she ever told me
that she loved me
she would always love me
no matter what
and then i grew up
well
at least my body did
my hands and fingers got bigger
shoulders wider
legs longer
but my heart
my poor heart
just shrivelled up
inside of me

eight. loss
*******
you act like i took your
daughter away
but no
she was never there to begin with
a gender forced upon me
that i didn’t even know the meaning of
and all because of my
******* genitals
all because i have a womb
instead of being able to *** standing up
and that is all anybody sees
my outside
my *******
my ******
but i am more than my body
i am so much more
i have to be more
i have to be
right?
Boaz Priestly Nov 2015
i know things
i feel things
i see things
that no young man
let alone a child
should have been through

but it has left
me with something
besides tracks of scar tissue
and internal organs shot
to hell

call it a super power
a left over
an after shock
but i can see it in their faces
and even if they have laugh lines
and little wrinkles around their eyes
no matter the crinkling
something in their face is just
so **** sinister

and i see them
with their plastic smiles
and their clawed hands
the empty beer bottles
and the ripped up hand-made
cards and pictures
this is no childhood
and i want to run away

i am surrounded by them
these fake people
these picture perfect
skin-deep parents
and suddenly i am
a little boy again

i am so afraid
sleeping under my bed
so i cannot be found
curling up under my desk
biting my knuckles so i do not
make a sound
because no matter how much it hurts
i do not want her
to see me
to hear me

i am only a little boy
smaller than my mother
and she is so tall
i cower in her shadow
shake in the vise-like grip
that she has on my wrists
my upper arms
my shoulders
and the bruises may fade
but the trauma nightmares don’t

i am so scared
my mother is the big bad wolf
she can swallow me whole
her teeth are longer than my arm
and i am so confused
i don’t know why she is so mean
why she hates me so

i am just a little boy
and it all hurts so much
mommy mommy mommy
please don’t hurt me
please don’t yell at me
i can’t just laugh off the bruises
and your angry voice ringing in my ears
mommy mommy
please
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