In the middle of the night
when your nostalgia poisons your thoughts.
Everything comes into mind.

My promiscuity. If you'd even call it that.
The first guy. I was in love. I was also 15 and stupid. He had issues.

The third guy. I loved him too. He ******* me up. In every way you could ever think of.
Then I was the one with issues.

The second guy. We dated after the first guy. It wasn't passionate, nor memorable. No *** or touching.
It was, Just. Nice. He held me by my waist rather than my hips or ***.
We got back together after the fourth guy. We just weren't the same. And the sweet, nice, innocent smell of monthaversary  flowers was replaced with ****.

The fourth guy. I won't remember him. I was just bored.

I cheated on the second one with the fifth. I didn't give a **** about the present. I wasn't happy. So I got high and ****** the first guy I found.
The guilt was unbearable. I gave in and broke it off with the second guy.
I kept  ******* the fifth one.

Number five wouldn't satisfy my needs.
I met number six. He was all right. Introduced me to shrooms and Hash.
Tall. Vegan.
I'm short and I love meat. Wasn't gonna happen.
Next.

Seven. Hot. My type. Sweet. He was everything I ever wanted and more.
He ****** me. And left. Hit it and quit it, I guess. And I smoked that ******* out too.

Ocho. My lips are still bruised from last night.
We made out at the bus stop and his **** was hard.
Not at all my type. Not to brag, but I like to think I'm high class.

Last night, he confirmed that he just wants to ****.
It's cool. I appreciate that. I did too at first.
But when a guy touches, and grabs, and kisses, and *****,
I'm a toy.  
I'm a piece of meat. I'm just a girl-If I'm still considered that.
Because those who couldn't understand.
Or couldn't fit in my shoes, I'm *****.
A ***. A ****.
I'm no longer smart.
No longer valuable. I'm just easy. I'm  ******.
But when a guy- a guy I like,
when he touches me,
I confuse his ******* with affection. And I fall in love.
But I'm only seventeen and I don't know what love is.
I don't know what real kisses taste like.

Can you still whisper my voice inside your head
Are you still aware of my tears,
my fears?
My aches and my nightmares.

Please Don't forget.
Remember hat I held your hand when you tried to run away
I gave you hope when everyone else gave you hate
Love was confused with lust.
Or was I too dumb to notice that
Somewhere along the way, you recognized my flaws and
thought I wasn't good enough.

But in case you weren't notified, I gave my all
while you cheated.
While you lied.
I carried us up
You tried sinking us down.
Baby,I made it. I'm alive.

Sorry to hear that you stayed under water
in your tank of
stagnation, and false hope.

Deferred love, my mind has forgotten,
But my heart has not

Your name burns my throat
And it's all my fault
Because I couldn't treat you better
But you could not love me right

And I still miss you
While you're thinking of some one's name
And I still think about you

I loved you more than I could ever love myself.
And you will forever be imprinted in my heart
You will never smile back.
Because I left a scar on your heart.
And I'm sorry I didn't treat you better.

Rip my heart out before I fall in love with you.
Please.