I really miss the days
That I could rely
On anyone I met.

I really miss the days
I felt constrained
Because I could sense my place.

Ironic how I long
For sorrow-filled evenings.

Moronic how I long
For sorrow-filled evenings.

When it seems so clear
I've found my meaning.

Yet it's so unclear
If I've found my meaning.

I am not a number.
I am more.
I'm a rhythm.
A clock, circadian,
A heart beat,
The music inside me.
I am a rhythm.

I am not a score.
I am more.
I'm a movement.
An individual, its
Like a non-religious transcendentalist,
A dancer, prancer,
An accidental fall.
I have a purpose.
I am a movement.

Who are you?
A number?
A score?
An A?
B?
C?
See?
Its not you, its how we were raised to be.

Thirteen years in a structured school
Teaching you only how to earn points
And memorize facts.

But I want to be smart.
An astrophysicist
An anthropologist
A pediatric psychologist

I want to own a home.
Lease a car.
Pay my bills.
Invest my money.

Where do I learn to do all that?

Look into your future,
Inside your dreams.
How do you get there?
How do you find
What seems
To be impossible?

Let me tell you,
Its possible.
Education
Filled with learning,
Filled with ACTUAL learning.
And motivation.
Its a structure,
But its home.
Its a routine,
Its a family.

Its in your head.
You create your setting.
The gloomiest day, with a smile on your face
And you've already become more.

When you want education,
You'll find it.
You'll find it with passionate teachers,
And summer camps,
And clubs
And sports
And, AP stats?

When you push yourself forward,
You'll feel pressure backwards,
But it won't drag you down,
If you don't let it.

It's a choice to make.
You'll be here anyways.

Its that day you walk across that stage
And find the smiles of your peers
And realize that although you're still here,
You're moving forward.

I know that I am more.
Than my 11th grade AP test score.
I know that I am more,
Than my homework,
Than my scars,
Than the number of marks
That are on my arms.
Than my rank,
My GPA,
Or any standardized test I took on a Saturday.
Than the number of hugs that I get when cry,
Or the number of graduates who will say good-bye.
Because at the end of the day
Or right here and right now
Or whatever cliche
I know I can say

I am more.

do you ever have those nights
when you look in the mirror
and your shoulders are too wide
and your stomach is too fat
and your ***** are shaped weird
and your face is too round
       and splotchy
and your hair is too damaged
       and too short

and you cant even tell anyone you feel like ****
because you know
              that nothing they say will be new.
youve heard it all before,
           and it wont change a single thing
                     about the way you feel in that moment?

"I bring up your pimples
because it's cute how you try to hide them
and I like to push your buttons.

I wake up every day
and call you
beautiful, sweetheart, darling, cutie, boo
for a reason.

I'm texting you at this very moment for a reason.

I make you a part of every 11:11 wish for a reason.

I worry about what your parents think about me for a reason.

I love you for a reason.

You don't have to be
the prettiest ******* earth
for me to love you.
You just have to be mine
and put up with my **** sometimes

because that's what boyfriend and girlfriend do.

I want to marry you some day Madi.
Why wouldn't I want to see you in that dress,
with your hair done up,
holding your dad's arm,
crying as you hear the words
'you may now kiss the bride'"

once when you were drunk
you told me you liked
the way my tongue felt against yours
when I kiss you

and then you got all embarrassed that you said it
and I think that was the moment that changed
everything
because now I can't imagine anything without you.

I listen to love songs
And write poetry
Because that's how I find myself.

And I cuddle with my teddy bear
Because he makes me feel
Like I'm not always alone.

But I'm still in disbelief
That you can make me feel all of these things
With only a smile.

loneliness doesn't go away.
once you feel it,
it has been etched into your being.

distractions are safe,
and easy
and quick.
but the lonely girl inside
always prevails.

im sinking into this ocean
that ive seen before.

it would crash over me before
but now,
i just sink.
deep into the nothingness underneath.