Days like this I just need to step back.
Realize that life *****.
And I better get over it soon.
Life ***** and is beautiful at the very same time.
I want the lessons I learned today to last forever,
But I want this day to end.
I want all the wounds of the past to close back up.
I want to stop reminiscing.
Reminiscing on being oblivious.
Reminiscing on the hate going on around me.
Reminiscing on the hate I was creating for myself.
But is it really reminiscing if it’s still there?

But I mean, I’m just like the others.
I’m just taking my time.
Going slowly. Passively.
Give myself chances to jump out of the pool that I will someday drown in.
Because you see, in a pool, you can get out.
But when you jump off an airplane into the middle of the ocean,
You’re stuck.
And I know I’m scared of the ocean,
But aren’t we meant to be daring?
I'm scared one day I’ll lose it.
And the pool will start transforming into an ocean, and I’ll let it.
I’ll stop swimming so close to the edge.
But until then, I’ll keep tiptoeing on the bottom.

Nice try.
I find it hilarious that you think you can make me better.
Good joke.
You must like jokes.
You try to make it fun.
Because I’ll do better and work harder and get better grades and honestly I’ll just be perfect if it’s fun.

Does it have to be fun?
Why can’t you just let me hate this on my own?
Why won’t you let me fail?
You have to fail to let me learn.
At least that’s what that big poster on the wall says.
Should I believe that, or you?

At this point I could be talking about synonyms.
Failing and passing.
You and the poster.
Feeling good and feeling like I’m drowning.
I’ve heard you only understand feeling like you’re doing okay if you’ve felt bad.
But doesn’t it work the other way around sometimes?

I feel like I’m drowning and yet the number on the screen says I’m fine.
That number defines me.
I’m not allowed to feel any different.
Not allowed to feel any other emotion.
I can’t be happy, I can’t be sad, I can only be a number on a screen.
Is that really all I am?

You say I should try harder.
Loosen up a little bit.
I shouldn’t fail. There’s no need.
No need to understand human emotion. That wasn’t on your resume.
All I am is a number.
Just a number who can’t do this.